Lorraine Says: SURPRISE!

My dearest readers, I need a opinion. Please honestly tell me what you think of the following:

So, mom, dad, sisters, friends: I have to tell you something. Don't worry! It's nothing bad. But. I just wanted to let you that I've been secretly blogging for the past two years under a fake name. You're all in my blog! SURPRISE!



No?

I'm thinking no. The problem is, of course, that after so much time keeping it to myself, there is no graceful way to introduce the most important people in my life to what is one of my favorite things to do. I mean, I'm not prepared to attach my real name to this blog, but I just think it would be so much easier if people knew that it at least existed. If I could just say simple things like, "it's for my blog," or "yeah, I know so and so because of the blog," that would be awesome.

A story:

On Friday, I got home to a package. I have a group of 10 other girl bloggers who I speak to daily through an email chain I'm surprised hasn't blown up the Internet with it's awesome. Apart from being we-laugh-we-cry sort of friends, we've also taken to sending little gifts to each other whenever we can.

I opened mine enthusiastically and was more than pleased to find a box of zebra cakes. (Note: In case you're new around here, I love zebra cakes.) I sent out an email to the girls, specifically Nugs whose name was on the package, and thanked her for my sweets, which had filled me with both the joys of mail! and sweets!

"We thought you could use something good this week," Nugs emailed back. "We love you Lor!"

Are these not the best friends ever? I'm not even under the influence of a lard ton of artificial flavors when I say that. (Note: yes, I am, but still.)

So anyways, I did my best to explain to my mother why I was now accepting Little Debbie snack cakes via postal service. "Uh... my friends know I really like them... and wanted to comfort me... and stuff."

Fast forward to today. When I woke up from my nap* Cheese Cream, Pink and the girls were just getting here to visit my father. I sat down with them and ate and after my last bite, I noticed that there was another box of zebra cakes right in front of me.

"Hey, who bought these?" I asked.

"I thought those were yours," Vyelit offered.

"Nope. Cheese, you bought these?"

"Wasn't me, " he said in between a bite.

"Mom?"

"Oh!" she said. "That came in the mail."

"No," I said. "I already ate that box**."

"No, that one came in the mail TOO. Today," she explained.

"WHAT. Who was it from?"

"I don't know. No dijo."

"What do you mean it didn't say?! Where is the box?"

"Afuera. Papi said the box was strange looking so he took it outside. It was addressed to the Lord. Que es eso, dique LORD VALVERDE. So he took it outside and opened it there."

"Lord?" I asked, trying to hold in my laughter.

"Si, algo asi. Lord, lor, lor, something."

Vyelit lit up. "LOR?!"

I wanted to die! I mean, of how awesome that whole exchange was. It made perfect sense to me that someone would send zebra cakes to Lor. To my parents, it made more sense that someone was sending snacks to the Lord. HA.

Man, I just want them to know. As much as it would be weird to have them read this convoluted, romanticized, fictionalized account of something like our life, I just want the zebra cakes to make sense, you know?

Harley owned up to this newest box of z-cakes, by the way.

"Didn't mean to deliver a bomb scare to your door! My bad!"

All is forgiven. That isn't even the delicious, creamy filing speaking either. (Note: yes. It might actually be.)

Any insights on the big reveal would be awesome. If not, just feel free to talk about how jealous you are that I receive snack cakes in the mail**.

I like all of your faces, with or without an overdose of sugar.


*1000 points for whoever was all "WHAT YOU NAPPED?" Don't ask me how or why, but the stars aligned and there was napping. Yay me!

** Don't you judge me! I shared some of those zebra cakes, okay?!

Lorraine Says: The Five Pounds

My mother sometimes tries to scare me by saying I’m obviously plagued by any number of vague physical maladies.

Lorena, it’s not possible that someone your age is tired all the time. You must have something wrong. A deficiency. Maybe something worse.”

Uh, who said anything about being tired? I happen to like reading in pajamas like other people like the outdoors and stuff.


Lorraine Says: Yep. Lorraine Definitely Wrote This

It's no secret that my friends and I consider ourselves a riot. I suppose that's why we're all friends. Or, delusuional.

One way that we often remind ourselves of our own sparkling humor is by recycling a number of what I'll call "interjections" or "asides." These Asides are usually slipped in between conversation topics, or after good hearty laughs. Something like:

Friends: AHAHAH HA HA hahahah ha ha haha. Ha. Haaaaaa. Heh. Hmmm. 
Silence.

Friend: I like turtles.

See what we did there? I mean, that whole "I like turtles" thing was actually the invention of a zombie kid from YouTube, but here a few of my favorite of our original Asides:


Lorraine Says: The Office LOL

My typical mid-morning coffee sipping and huddling around my Bahama Breeze candle in my Arctic office is today interrupted by a grown-ass-woman-tantrum.

Oh, I am not proud of this, my dear readers, but the tantrum is bubbling up inside of me, crying and wailing, kicking and screaming, embarrassing itself and everyone who witnesses it.

Thankfully, no one is hear to witness it. Sadly, I just confessed it to the Internet. So it goes.

See, at this moment,

Lorraine Says: I'm Too Old For This

"Mom, guess what?"

I was in the room, emptying half the contents of all my wardrobe out onto the bed. I didn't particularly want to get dressed and found fault with every single article I held up against my body.

"What?" she called dutifully from the kitchen.

"Roxanne broke up with her boyfriend."

Lorraine Says: To Report Blog Abuse Press One

I'll give you all a moment to rejoice over the fact that, despite my recent silence, I am not in fact dead! No zebra cakes poisoning or warrant out for my arrest probably thanks to a recent puppy kicking spree! I know. I'm relieved too.

(Note: While writing that, I couldn't actually think of likely reasons I'd be dead and/or arrested. I'm such a good person.)

(Or I have no imagination. Yeah. That one. )

I know it isn't regular posting day either but I got this email from by best friend Penny about 20 minutes ago: