Yesterday, when I finally got home after my first day of work, visiting my nieces, dance class, and a trip to outright abuse an M&M McFlurry, I felt the satisfaction that settles after a long day. I was tired, yes, but in a good way. It felt like I’d earned the right to shower, remain pantsless, and settle into bed. It was nice.
This morning, when my alarm clock went off, telling me it was time to do it all over again, I felt a wash of nostalgia. Remember a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, when you sat around a lot and ate tons of Pop-Tarts, barely combed your hair and slept as much as you wanted? Why did you give that up again?
Except I forgot that when I was sitting around, eating Pop-Tarts, having my three year old niece tell me I should fix my hair, all I wanted was activity, and the satisfaction of a long day.
There is no cure, really, for the longing. It’s an equal curse to never be satisfied and to never want more. The mission in these upcoming day, should I force myself to accept it, will be to live in the moment. And I’ve started already. I nearly skipped into work this morning, settling into my oddly proportioned cube, and thanked God for what I have in the right now. Because whether I remember this fact at seven o’clock in the morning or not, this is what I wanted. I’m going to enjoy every bit of it until it’s time to want something more. Not something past; something new.
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Hello my dearest readers!
Sometime last week, I made a comment to my brother-in-law about how I was saving all my “unemployed fund” money and converting it into a “just in case I don’t like this new job, I can quit” money.
He looked at me a little funny and said that I was obviously going into it all with a defeatist attitude. “They are going to say, “Welcome!” and you are going to say, “I QUIT,” he said with a smirk.
And there it was, in my face. Although I had admitted to myself that I was freaking out about the new job, I hadn’t admitted that it was a fear of failure creeping through me. There really is nothing quite like having someone tell you that you are no longer welcome to work for them, to really mess up your work-esteem. And though I know it was through no fault of my own, failure was taunting me, and it sucked.
One way I deal with feelings like these is to remind myself that my hole is not the deepest. My problems are not the biggest. Other people have been here before, and more importantly, dumber people have done it before. Is that mean? Oh well. I have to deal with these things in any way I can.
My first day went extremely well. My boss is a doll, and everyone I met was nice. My space is pretty cool and it seems like a job I can do. It seems like a job I can rock.
Please excuse my use of the word ‘rock.’
Of course, the first day introductions were awkward. There are, of course, different brands of awkward. Yesterday, I found myself capable of smiling and answering questions, but for some reason, I was just really aware of my hands.
Has this ever happened to anyone? I just didn’t know, for the life of me, what to do with my hands. I stuffed them in my jeans pocket a lot, but that didn’t help the overwhelming feeling of hand-placement-dread.
Anyhow, I mostly wanted to let you all know that it went well. Also, that as I settle into my new work schedule, the posting schedule around the Party may change. I mean, it’s Tuesday! And I’m posting!
Hang in there with me.
20 comments:
I AM ALWAYS SO AWARE OF MY HANDS! I over analyze the way I'm standing, sitting, etc. all the time. Then it gets really awkward and annoying and... BLAH
I rarely know what to do with my hands. For the most time I just keep them in my pockets or just fold my arms or something. I think you were smart to keep saving your money in case you didn't like your new job. I'm not going to say you should stick with a job you hate just because it's a job.
Yay for the new job!!!
Um, hand placement is so awkward for me. They video taped me teaching once and I was just horrified at what my hands were doing.
I believe we established when I vlogged that I have no freaking clue what to do with my hands. I just end up waving them around like a crazy person. So...yeah. I hear you on that one.
Also? There are several options available for the making pretty of blog posts when blogging at work.
1. Plan your post ahead of time, search for images accordingly from home, and email them to yourself to upload to the post.
2. Write your post at work, save it as a draft, then add pretty pictures when you're home and pantsless.
3. Start carrying around a data stick of your favourite GIFs/pictures so that you have a library of awesome at your disposal for use in blog posts.
Not that I've thought about this too much or anything...
<3
I think that hand-placement dread is what makes people take up smoking. From now on whenever I see someone smoking on their way to work in the morning (GAK) I'll think "there goes a person with severe hand-placement anxiety."
Yes.
It only happens to me sometimes, but once I notice, there is no un-noticing. It's just all in your face like HANDS. I'M YOUR HANDS. WHAT AM I DOING? HANDS.
Or something.
I went with the pockets, though I kind of felt... manly? standing that way.
I agree! I think it's good to be realistic, I was just being pessimistic.
Thanks :)
Vlogs are also a good way to trigger hand flailing. I'm already a hand talker so I know just what you mean.
My gif stick! I love it. I think I'll mostly wait until I get home so that I have free paint drawing access, but that'll most likely mean a posting schedule change because I have after work activities on Mondays and Thursdays.
But I loooooove my posting schedule. Waaaah.
(Reading Fifty Shades is making me a whine-y-er person.)
So what you are saying is that next time I'm being introduced to people I should just pretend to be smoking, right? :)
Maybe I'll carry a water bottle instead. Every time I am aware of my hands, I'll chug.
I'm still jealous of your work wear attire. I'm really glad your first day went well.
Yesterday I was standing and talking to someone and I realized I don't know what to do with my hands or legs while standing and talking so I kept moving and it probably looked like I was posing.
Hooray for jobs. And I'm super jealous that you get to wear jeans to the office. I so wish I could do that. Or just sundresses. I'd be okay with just being allowed to wear sundresses, too, because I have one for almost every day of the month.
I don't so much have an issue with hand placement, I just talk with my hands all the freaking time. A couple of weeks ago, Office Boy stopped my hands from moving and I legitimately couldn't talk anymore. It was so uncomfortable.
I don't know if the fact that "dumber" people have done it before would comfort me. Sometimes being dumb is an advantage. You don't over think things. You just do them. "Dumb people" I have a feeling don't re-examine every mistake they made 5000 times in their minds at night when they're trying to get to sleep. Life's more fun when you're dumb.
You can eat Pop-Tarts at work. They're portable, you know.
I'm glad you've got a new gig that you're satisfied with--and yes, I understand the weirdness of going back to work after having the freedom sleeps. When I get pissed at my life right now, considering I have to clean the house, do the ironing, update my blog and bring my bike in to get fixed, I try to remember that I'm no longer occupied with the life of second graders, getting to work at 7:30 and not being done with it until I fall into a troubled sleep. I don't think the fund sounds like a bad a idea, even if you can rearrange the reasons. Wanting a parachute doesn't necessarily make you a defeatist. Also, when you come visit us in Paris will you please bring poptats?
Glad to hear you are enjoying your new job. I do weird things with my hands all the time, especially when I meet new people cause I don't like touching people so I always make sure my hands look busy (paper/pens in them, etc.)
Congrats on the new job! I think anyone who has ever been blessed to finally get that one job they so desperately need has felt exactly this way. Suddenly one day, I missed nannying. Sure, it sucked getting up super early, and yes I was SOOO BOOORED half the time. But I got to hang out in my sweats with cute kids. Not bad.
So yeah, it's key to remind yourself every now and then that you're lucky. And, yup, dumber people have done it before. (That's what I told myself when I did taxes, too.)
I hope one day I figure out to do with my hands.
I ... want ... a HaycCarumba t-shirt. You have the best job ever.
I understand what you mean about the constant yearning. I rarely find myself satisfied. At the same time, I rarely find myself being ballsy and attacking my goals with reckless abandon. I also understand the allure of having a, "Meh, this is my 'work sucks and I don't wanna do it' fund. I don't think that's defeatist at all. It's actually kind of badass.
This post made me think of Maria Bamford when she was talking about her temp jobs on one of her stand-up specials.
"Ah, cough cough, I can't come into work today... I'm sick!" - quietly, in a horse whisper, she adds, "OF HAV-ING A JOOOOOOOOB!"
I ALWAYS feel this way when I start something new - like I better have a back up plan for when I'm not good at it - but I seriously think it takes 3 months to feel like you know what you're doing at your job, and 6 months to start rocking it (I love your use of rock by the way, let's keep using it, it'll be cool again...someday!)
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Congrats!! I'm glad you've found something and your first day went well. Nothing like first day anxiety! I don't recall a time where I've been overly aware of my hands. It's still possible.
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