Lorraine Says: I Never Loved You

On Saturday morning, I went with my mother to the eye doctor. She's been wearing reading glasses for ages, but suddenly, she can't see things close OR far and needs to wear glasses all the time.

As she picked out frames and tried them on, my mother kept saying, "help me pick out something that makes me look young," and I kept thinking, "my God is she getting old."

I naturally mean that in the best way possible. I'm getting old too, you know? It's just that looking at her as she peered at me through a pair of bifocals, seeing her older sisters and mother suddenly reflected even more in her face? It was one of those moments.

And then, when we got home, we found my two aunts there as well. They are getting old too.




Tia G (so called because her name starts with a g but also because she is a g) flew down from New York to visit her older sister and my dad, her half brother. Tia Fi lives in Tampa, but drove down to get in on all the visiting action as well.

I greeted my aunts and then noticed that they'd made a mangu breakfast and OMG. SO DELICIOUS. Because I was bribed by food, I sat at the table as my mother chatted with her sisters-in-law and soon the stories with the very important lessons were rolling. Tia G and Tia Fi have something like 7 divorces between them.

Tia G was telling us about how she's done getting married, not because she's 70 years old but because she doesn't want to leave her social security check to no man if she dies. She's living with a man right now, but she says that if he ever decides to leave, she'd pack his clothes up at breakneck speed and say, "okay. Bye!"

My mother has dated and married only my father. They've been together for something like 30 (million) years. She found this entire "leaving men" conversation hilarious. "If a man even told me he didn't love me anymore," she said, "I'd laugh and then say, "thank God. I NEVER loved you."

WTF. Who is this woman? I'm kidding. This sounds exactly like my mother. She's always said she'd never get married again if my father died. My dad say he'd mourn mom for three or so months and then start looking. My mom's response to that was, "I'm okay with that. One, because someone has to cook for you and two because that's why I'm not leaving you any of my money." Then they laugh and hug.

Yesterday at Sunday dinner, Pink and Cheese Cream were there, as well as Cheese Cream's brother and his wife. I retold the "I never loved you" story and  they all thought it was hilarious. Then we started talking about all the things we'd do if a man ever tried to divorce us.

Pink was saying how she'd take the guy for all he was worth when Cheese finally piped up with a, "YOU KNOW I'M YOUR GUY, RIGHT?"

It made me think about this whole scenario. I told the men present not to take it personally. Apparently, it's a thing we girls do. We tell ourselves we are strong enough to pick up the pieces if we ever have to. We look at the situations of others and think, "if that were me..." and we make ourselves strong and brave.

I hope to take the lessons my aunts offered, after they stopped laughing about sex and the men they let go and the money ill-spent. After that, they usually have really great lessons.

The best part of the original conversation, though, was that my aunts were... folding plactic bags? While talking?

I love these ladies.

It was pretty much raining all weekend long, but it was still wonderful. I hope you had good food, big laughs and life lessons this weekend too.