Lorraine and Penny Say . Will You Marry Us?

We were all yawning and bouncing around as we approached Penny's apartment to drop her off.

It was my third cup of coffee that day, Roxanne's second, but this was the first time Penny had ever purchased coffee with us in basically 2 years of our tri-friendship.

"Why did you guys introduce me to coffeeee?" Penny asks, twitching a little. Okay, maybe not twitching, but almost. "Remember that addictive personality thing?"

"Yeah, and if one of us is addicted to something, we all are," I tell her, parking in an available spot. "So... if one of us get addicted to..."

"Heroin?" Penny offers.

"Then we all are addicted to heroin," Rox finishes in a show of solidarity.

"Exactly. Meth face for one, meth face for all," I proclaim, as we all laugh. And yawn.

"Did I ever tell you about the caffeine pills, Pen?" Roxanne asks from the back seat. Penny shakes her head. "See," Rox explains, "we were at Target one day and I told Lor that sometimes I think about taking caffeine pills." Penny stares at me disbelieving, much the same way I looked at Rox when she first told me about her theory.

"But... but... you know, I'd take them in a super controlled manner. I'd be on responsible speed! And I'd just be awake all the time and have so! much! energy!"

"I told her she was crazy," I say to Penny, "but I've kind of thought about the same thing too. Maybe. Were going Jessie Spano on this bitch!"

Without missing a beat, we all start singing. "I"m so excited! I'm so excited!"

Coffee or not, amped up on hyper sleepies or not, sitting around and talking to these girls is one of the things I love the most in life. Our conversations, the way we play off each other and can talk to each other about anything? I think that's one of the things that makes this friendship amazing. In that car ride alone, from the mall 10 minutes away to Penny's apartment, we'd covered drug addiction, making fun of a guy we'll just call ole Bumble Bee Dick, talking about a girl we met in middle/high school, who is now losing her baby to the government, and even talked about marriage proposals.

"We need to blog about this," Roxanne said halfway through one particular piece of that conversation.

Done and done. I mean, not really done yet, but that's the plan. The further plan is to pass this to Penny who will add a piece. She will then pass it to Roxanne, who will add a piece. Then it will come back to me, etc. It's a conversation between the three best girls of ever, blog style. (ETA: Roxanne never participated because she is lame. LAME LAME LAME.)

I can't promise we'll stay on topic. I can't even promise we'll try. But: marriage proposals.

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Lorraine Says . Wingworm

I hate driving in the rain, for reasons that involve that one time I crashed my car into a wall. Additionally, I hate driving through puddles. Yesterday, as I was taking Roxanne home after our impromptu sushi dinner, I freaked out because all of her neighborhood streets were flooded.

"What the heck?" I asked Roxanne, as I tried to cautiously navigate the middle of the road, where the water was the shallowest.

"I know man," Roxanne responded. "This always happens here. I think it was raining really hard earlier. When I got home, it was all wet and gross and stuff."

"Oh, it was wet so it must have been raining? Well, thanks Nancy Drew," I teased as I pulled up to her house.

"Shut up!" she laughed.

As I parked, we noticed that a few houses down there was a group of boys playing basketball, barefoot in the puddles. My immediate reaction was, "ewww!!" but then I hesitated for a moment. I mean, maybe I was being a "playing in the rain" prude or you know, proving just how much I didn't play outside when I was a kid?

I asked Roxanne, "Ew, right?"

Lorraine Says . Stuff About Being The New Girl

A couple of days ago, my new boss wanted to use her log-in on my computer to get me some files I didn't have access to. "Sure," I said standing up and letting her sit in my chair to pull up the information.

She let the mouse hover over the Internet icon and all of my open tabs sprawled out in front of her. Crap.

"What is this?" she asked, trying to sound accusatory but letting a smile escape. I couldn't really tell if she was mad, but I felt pretty dumb anyways.

"What?" I played innocent.

"Blog-ger. And... y esto? What is this?" she questioned me.

"That's Youtube." I answered. "I just have it in the background so I can listen to music." I was blushing.

"Music?" she repeated doubtfully, sounding more like my mother and less like my boss. "Let's see... The New... LORRENA! QUE ES ESTO?"

I glanced at the Youtube screen and... perfect. Of course the next song in the playlist would be The New Pornographers.


"It's just music, I promise," I said, awkwardly shuffling my feet as she minimized everything and finally got down to business. After a few minutes she stood up to leave.

"I'm going to find out who you are blogging to," she said smiling and pointing a finger at me. It was a scary thing to hear, even though I'm aware it barely makes sense. I mean... who am I blogging to? The Internet? And even though she was mostly joking, I feel like she knows whenever I even think about opening Blogger.

Needless to say that things are a little different at BobU (my new job) than they were at Paper Folding USA. There was a system, a procedure and a style to my blogging over at Paper Folding USA, that mostly looked like: 1.) Have a lot of free time. b.) Have no one care what you are doing. cat.) Eat a lot of chocolate.

It was blogging magic. I have over 200 posts to prove it. Not that I'm calling my own posts magic (maybe a little) but the fact that I wrote so many without up and deciding that I wanted to quit forming sentences for life, is pretty magical.

So, with PFUSA out of the equation, my blogging around here has suffered. I should rephrase this to properly convey my problem: I'm suffering without my blogging.

Otherwise, I've been (ready to maybe hate me for this?) fantastically amazing, blessed beyond measure, happy, happy, happy, and just hours away from my first big paycheck. Money in the bank, say "haaaii."

(I'm ignoring the people I borrowed money from while I was broke, which was namely the entire time between BobU and PFUSA. And by "people" I mostly mean "my mom." WHATEVER MOM. WHAT DO YOU EVEN NEED MONEY FOR. Ahem.)

Anyhow, things to say have been accumulating but my blogging skillz have been dying. And so, I sit here at home, my contacts dry and probably trying to murder my eyes because they are evil and I hate you contacts, and with no pants on, trying to regain some sort of that magic I once had - or really, I once felt while blogging.

"Hmmm," says my internal monologue. "Where can I go for blogging inspiration? Who is funny?"

I seriously thought that and then played 8 rounds of spider solitaire. I only play on easy and I make sure I win EVERY. TIME.

Uh, what was I saying? Ah, yes, inspiration. It hit my internal monologue:

"Hey, me! You know who is funny?

... ME. Me back before I was unfunny!"

Not that I'm calling my own posts funny (maybe just a little) but rather I should say that I felt funny writing them? Not quite. I should say I was satisfied when I published them. So, I went back through old posts, back to a time when I felt good with how much I was writing and what I was writing.

Our number one commented on post? The one where I talk about getting stray hairs between my boobs.

I have nothing else to say about hair in between my boobs (even though a few people commented on my boobs looking good in the vlog from yesterday and I didn't even realize my boobs where like... in the vlog. My boobs were totally that guy that's behind the news reporter, trying to sneak in the frame and wave "hi" to all his friends. Gosh boobs. Stop being so immature.)

I will share with you, however, in the spirit of my new job and things I find awkward:

Seven Things Lorraine Finds Awkward About or During the First Three Weeks of Her New Job:

SMAC . For Anyone Who's Ever Loved A Unicorn

Hey lovely readers of LttP. Don't you give me sideways eyes! I know I owe you a post. Mostly, it's one about a chocolate coma and all the things we laughed about on Penny's birthday. While I gather my thoughts on that (read: my boss will be out of town for two days so I can blog at work, haaaiii) please enjoy this post. 

It's the next round of the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, as organized by Nuggy. This month is all about animated movies. I'm posting over at Sara's blog and below you'll find the lady I most recently proposed to, Nicole Sweeney. 

 

She said yes, y'all. SWOON. 

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Heeeyyy, I'm Nicole from SweeneySays and before I get to my review, let me flail for a second: I don't even have words for how elated I am to get to post to Lor's blog today. I am hosting the lovely McGriddle Pants over at my blog. And this theme? It's perfect. I am a sometimes participant in this ring, but the entire snark squad had to show up for this one, because it's obviously related to our favorite activity: eviscerating our childhood loves.

Most of these movies will obviously be kid movies and it might seem unfair to pick on those films, but we obviously have no qualms about that. So let's get started...

I chose The Last Unicorn. I should confess that part of why I chose it is that I actually own a the 25th Anniversary DVD of this movie. I know. I KNOW.

I remember loving this movie as a kid and when I saw it for $5 at Target, it was an impulse buy.

And then I re-watched it with my adult eyes. And all I could say was, "what. the. fuck."

My brother came in the room while I was watching this cracked out piece of cinema and it was probably more uncomfortable than being caught watching porn. I can't compare, but this movie.

THIS. MOVIE. My short explanation was: "Think Little Mermaid, but with unicorns. And a different ending."

If you haven't seen this movie and for some reason have plans to go seek it out, stop reading.

This is a 25 year old children's movie, so first of all, you should know that the animation style and corresponding voices are just plain shitty. The art itself is kind of pretty at times, but the movement is just weird. It brings the giggles almost immediately and makes me wish I weren't watching this in the middle of the day before work, because alcohol could greatly improve this situation.

We open in a forest that is inexplicably pretty and apparently snow never falls and it's never anything but awesome. There are two hunters discussing this phenomenon and the old one assures the young one that there is at least one unicorn left and she is obvs keeping the forest safe by being there. This is seriously a 30 second conversation. It doesn't sound any more logical than what I just described. Then they leave the forest and cut to her, and Mia Farrow says "I'M THE LAST UNICORN?" (no really, it's Mia Farrow)

Then we cut to the title credits and this America song "The Last Unicorn." Because America recorded all of the songs for this movie. Things were clearly a little financially rough for them by 1982.

Then this psychotic butterfly comes through and tells her that the other unicorns were chased away by a Red Bull, but if she is brave she can go find the others. She gets wicked pissed when some old man calls her a horse. But apparently men can't see unicorns which makes her believe there are others? She also doesn't really make it clear whether she means "humans" or "men."

So a witch voiced by Angela Lansbury finds her. And she's got a wizard with her, voiced by Alan Arkin. They've got their own sideshow nonsense going on that I'll spare you because it also makes approximately zero sense. All you need to know is that Angela Lansbury is insane and mostly evil and is promptly killed by a Harpie that she captured. And that Alan Arkin is a goofy mofo who is determined to help our unicorn.

They stumble upon some outlaws who turn out to be lovable but arrogant. So Alan Arkin conjures up the ghosts of everyone in Robin Hood's story. The outlaw gets pissed and ties him to a tree, and then his magic goes awry and he turns the tree into a woman with big tits that he is essentially motorboating. Maybe this isn't a kid's movie.

And then the chick from the outlaw's band can see the unicorn and demands to go with them when they escape. So I guess it is "men."

Have I lost you yet? Because seriously, the only way anyone over the age of six can make sense out of this movie is under the influence of a lot of drugs.

Anyway, the unicorn is trying to get to this castle to figure out what's up with the Red Bull.

The energy drink finds them before the reach the castle and since Alan Arkin is young and only barely a capable wizard, his attempt to save her doesn't go quite so well. He turns her into a person. So the outlaw chick and Mia Farrow are super pissed with poor Alan Arkin and are totally ungrateful to the fact that he saved her life.

So they roll up on the castle and the king is a seriously creepy mother fucker but his son, Prince Jeff Bridges is a really chill guy who promptly falls in love with the Unicorn Girl.

Which brings me to the real reason I chose this movie: it's clearly promoting bestiality. (sidebar: when I spell checked it, I discovered that I had been spelling this word wrong. Important lessons from blogging...)

There is a weird montage where Alan Arkin tries to impress creepy king as his new wizard and Prince Jeff Bridges tries to woo her by slaying mythical shit. Both unsuccessfully. Creepy king knows something is up with unicorn girl and so he's constantly stalking her.

Unicorn Girl is forgetting who she is and she's really depressed all the time. Prince Jeff Bridges does get to kiss her, so score 1 for bestiality.

She has a converstaion with creepy king wherein he explains that he had Red Bull capture the unicorns and trap them in the sea because he's obsessed with unicorns and its the only thing that makes him happy. And then he basically threatens to throw her into the ocean...but she's clearly almost permanently human, and holy fuck I am trying so hard to make this make sense, but I just can't. It doesn't.

Oh, also they receive assistance from an alcoholic talking skeleton and a peg legged cat.

So they end up in a cave and Prince Jeff Bridges insists that he'll still love her as a unicorn (point 2 for bestiality) but when she begs to stay human Prince Jeff Bridges gives a speech about how he's a hero and knows she has to go back to being a unicorn. Points for both arrogance AND bestiality because this guy clearly wants to fuck the unicorn.

Red Bull comes, there's a big show down of sorts. Alan Arkin's faulty magic manages to turn her back into a unicorn. Red Bull tries to herd her into the sea but she fights back. Creepy King sits up in his tower and "watches" (see also: jerks off).

Prince Jeff Bridges sacrifices himself for her, after reminding us again that he's a hero. Then all of a sudden the sea foam turns into a stampede of unicorns breaking free from the ocean, which totally interrupts Creepy King when his tower crumbles (it's a metaphor. for his boner).

The unicorn brings Prince Jeff Bridges back to life and runs off. They exchange meaningful glances about their forbidden love. Outlaw Girl and Alan Arkin are totes in love now too, as a sidebar.

So she stampedes home through all sorts of landscapes while that first America song plays again. According to Wikipedia, this song is popular among German fans of America, and they play it whenever they perform there.

I started to type "/random" but really, that's what this whole fucking movie is. A big pile of random and bestiality.

So if you're ever in the market for the perfect bestiality film for your kids, to let them know that it's all right to have an extra special love for your horse because maybe it's a unicorn that was once a person, this is the film for you.

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Noted, filed away and marked as important. 

Thanks Sweeney!