Lorraine Says: Put Your Pants On

Roxanne, Penny and I were driving down Hollywood Boulevard with the windows down, the music quietly playing in the background, and our beloved Florida sun bravely combating the slightly chilled air.

There was still a bit of an awkward silence, thanks mostly to me. I'd suffered a sort of shock and my head was still processing what I'd seen and what it meant. Add to that the fact that I had to back out of most of the rest of our Saturday plans, and I was feeling a tad sorry for myself and sorry to them.

Penny spoke up first.

"Can you believe we haven't had any sort of vacation since September. And it was last, last November when we were out for more than 3 days."

"I wonder where that bra is," Rox said suddenly. "The one I went swimming in."

"Maybe you left it with the pile of wet clothes we left in the hotel," I offered, remembering that last trip in September. It was my birthday. We were in Orlando and on our first night there, we ended up in the pool in boxers and over-sized t-shirts.

"Nooo... I don't think so." Rox answered working her mouth around, and chewing on the side of her cheek the way she does when she's deep in thought.

"No, you brought it back because it was the only bra you packed! And it reeked of chlorine," Penny remembered with a smile. "You didn't go out with us that night."
"I wanted to go out last night," I turned around and said to Roxanne.

"Yeah! The one night that you are nowhere to be found, Lor actually wants to go out."

"We shouldn't go out without you though," I added. "When Pen and I go out without you, we are so lost. And when we're in the mall without you, we never know where we are."

Roxanne laughed. "Aww! I like being in charge."

Penny and I spoke up almost at the same time. "Wooah, woah. You're not in charge, alright? You just... wear the pants," I clarified.

"Okay, that's fine. I like wearing the pants," Roxanne conceded.

"And Penny wears the skort."

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It always amazes me how the three of us fit like a puzzle - each with our roles and our strengths.

Roxanne, the pants wearer, the one with the plans, the one who encourages us to go out and try new things, the one with the wild stories and weird sound effects. Roxanne who never judges, and will unwaveringly support everything you decide to do. Roxanne who always knows what gets good reviews, with the singular sense of style, and enough eye shadow to make-up all of Africa.

Penny, the skort wearer. The one who will hate that I called her that. The one with the steel trap memory, and the quickest comebacks I've ever come across. Penny who will always answer the phone, the one who listens and checks in and worries and cares for us. Penny who shoots straight and figures out people and situations and analyzes us for us. Penny, who appreciates the value of sleep and chocolate, and has enough clothing to clothe all of Africa.

And me, who in many ways intruded into their 12 year friendship. Me, with the loud laugh and exaggerated hand gestures. Me who never remembers anything, not even if I've told a story before or not. Me, who listens and loves, even if my shock and horror is visible all over my face. Me with the weird music, and the terrible decision making skills, and enough nail polish to uh... polish all of Africa.

And me, the one who relays the messages.

Lor: Hey hey hey. We still going to get breakfast? BAGELS. ♥

Rox: Yep! I'm just getting off the turnpike.

Lor: Hey girl heeey. Rox is just getting off the turnpike. Put some pants on.

Pen: Pants on! Ready.

Lor: Penny is ready. You home yet?

Rox: HOME. Come over!

Lor: Rox is home. I'm on my way.

Pen: Okay.

Lor: I'm going to get Penny!

Rox: Okay!

That's generally how it goes. Whether we're picking a restaurant, a mall, or a watering hole, I'm the go-between. And as such, I've reserved the right to repeatedly and consistently use one phrase: Put your pants on.

Often applicable, as we're all not fans of pants. It means a lot for us. It means, we're all leaving our house, and that adventures lie ahead.

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Saturday morning, Penny and I both slept in. We hadn't counted on hearing from Roxanne, as she was spending most of her weekend with RiSK. Her BBM woke me up though; she was on her way home and she was hungry. I rolled over in bed, and coordinated between Pen and Rox until we'd agreed to start the day with Einsteins.

I made the rounds, picking up the girls, made the short trip to Einsteins, we bought our bagels and juice, and grabbed a table outside in the gorgeous weather. In between bites, we recounted our Friday nights.

Roxanne told us about going to the NOFX concert with RiSK and The Grown-Up Chuckie Finster. Rox wants me to meet Chuckie, as he apparently has an amazing personality. I got a few, "I'm telling Chuckie all about you" messages through out the night. I'm mostly a fan of Rox nicknaming him The Grown-up Chuckie Finster.

Penny and I went to dinner. We giggled tons, but we couldn't quite remember about what. I told Penny about my lunch earlier that week with Antonio and she told me about what new games Anthology was playing. We both talked about grown-up things and how we wanted to be better at them. Then we went in search of nail polish.

Penny related to Roxanne the story of the mystery-text-messager. "What restaurant are you at?" the unknown number read, as Pen and I drove away from the restaurant toward the make-up store. She asked who it was and after much hemming and hawing he finally answered, "Magpie." Penny froze and laughed nervously when she saw it and flashed the phone so I could read it.

"No," I said my hand automatically drawing up to my mouth. "You've got to know another Magpie."

"No," Penny said. "I don't."

"No," I kept repeating. A text message from Magpie didn't make sense.

"Well, who was it," Roxanne asked as Penny told the story. It turned out to be her ex-co-worker's husband. (What followed were totes inappropriate invitations for drinks and such, but that's another story. Also, in case you hadn't figured it out, Magpie and mystery texter share the same real life name, not LttP nickname...)


"Thank God it wasn't Magpie," Rox said, and I silently agreed as I took another bite of my bagel.

Conversation turned back to Chuckie, as Rox started to retell some of the conversation they'd had about me. Halfway through one sentence, Rox stopped and lifted up an eyebrow, clearly checking out someone walking in front of her.

I think a nifty picture of our seating arrangement might be useful at this point.

Lorraine Says: Koala Annihilation And Other Silly Things

A couple of years ago, I went to Universal Studios for the first time with California Tax, Ting Ting and my little sister Vyelit. It was Christmas Day and we were having a blast, even though Universal Studios seemed a little lame. And by lame, I mean, right up my alley because all the "rides" are little baby things where they show you movies or motion simulate you (rawr). So when we got to the ride "The Mummy," I thought nothing of it.

Maybe some of you who know the ride just rolled your eyes all, "The Mummy? Really? Don't tell me that it scared you," in which case I will refer you to some simple Lorraine math: me = chicken. Let me tell you the types of roller coasters I enjoy: none. The end.

So, I got into the big Mummy building oblivious enough, looking at all the cheap props and wondering why the line was about twice as long as any other ride. We literally walked and walked and zigged and zagged and waited and walked until finally we climbed some stairs and a sign caught my eyes:


You've got to be fudgin' kidding me.

I turned around to my friends and demanded to know if they were getting me on a roller coaster. They died laughing. I started hyperventilating, because that sign forgot to mention that total wusses should also not ride this ride. People around me started pointing and laughing as I kept repeating, "this is a roller coaster?! THIS IS A ROLLER COASTER??" and probably looked a little like this:

The warning was a little late though because some time during my melt down, we'd reached the end of the line and I was being strapped it. I will say that the end of that story is me not dying, in case you were wondering.

The point of the story, however, is that I remembered this while thinking about how hard it is for me to write introductions.Y'all know I don't have a problem going on and on in the middle of my posts. I just find it hard to not make all of my introductions fair warnings to you all. Something along the lines of, "Hey guys. It's Monday again. Yep. Monday. My eyes are soggy, my belly is full of lunch, which was really pancakes because I decided that breakfast for lunch was amazing and it was but now I'm full. Also, the weekend included even more down time which means that I had lots of time to think of silly things which I now feel compelled to share with you, even though they may make no sense and will probably not tie in together at all."

Then again, if you're reading this blog, if you've read this blog before I should say, you probably know that all of this is a given. Just like I should've know that the GIANT building, where you had to put away all loose personal belongings, and the line was ginormous, and you had to climb up to get to the start of the ride, was housing an indoor roller coaster.

Either way, a warning is always nice.

Ahem. Warned.

Lorraine Says . Unavailable To Talk

Well... I've been quiet this week. The funny thing is that the post I've been working on since Tuesday is all about my communication shortcomings and why you shouldn't talk to me. Funny little note here guys: blogging about not wanting to communicate will make you not want to communicate. Hmph.

Funny note part two: Boredom wins every time. So, even though this post has been festering for a couple days now, and I kind of want to punch it in the teeth, it's Friday! And you guys know Rule # 3 of How to Never Work, Ever:

It's Friday.

Now, I've been a bad blogger in other ways too. I've gotten a sudden onset slew of awards and I've just been terrible about posting them/thanking you all/passing them on/flexing my muscles/kissing my biceps/polishing my trophies with the tears of losers. And for that I'm sorry.

And also kidding. I'm not usually a winner of things so this is kind of awesome! So, in an attempt to catch up I give you the Award Round-Up:


From Fortune's Fool



From Christina, Stacey, H, and Coyote Rose

Let me warn you beforehand that I'm not going to play by the rules so you don't go screaming in fear that I will bombard you with all of this. BUT, here's what I'm supposed to do:

- List 5 guilty pleasures and pass it on to 3 people.
- List 7 facts about myself and nominate other bloggers
- Share pictures of my life

Yeah well, no. I do what I want. That said, please click on those above links because all of those ladies are wonderful bloggers. And if you gave us an award and I forgot it, omgpleaseforgiveme. I'll buy you zebra cakes. :)

So, without further ado, I give you the "I do what I want" version of all this:

Seven Little Things You Should Know About My Communication Skills, Most of Which I Might Have Already Mentioned.

Lorraine Says: The Breakfast of Champions

I had a twofold mission this weekend: 1.) Spend as little money as possible and 2.) Spend as much time in my pajamas as possible. Number two really came into play after I slept like poop on Friday night. (I'm not sure poop sleeps but I think if it did, it would be really crappy sleep.) (Hahaha.) (It's Monday. That's the kind of shit you'll be getting today.)(Shit. Get it?)(Hahaha.)(Okay. Done now. Promise.)

I'm convinced that you all like us well enough because you haven't been shopping with us. I'm pretty sure that if you ever went shopping with Rox, Penny and I, you'd hate us within about... oh... 10 seconds.

Maybe that's why Jeezy brought us together. Maybe we're destined to be best friends because we're the only one's who play the "what do we need game," try on every nail polish in the store, and know that the answer to Roxanne's question "know what this'll go good with?" is always "with tights."

Roxanne and Penny convinced me to come out of my cave and watch them as they shopped at our favorite outdoor mall on Saturday afternoon. Penny had all the money, Roxanne had all the energy and I just kept chanting "'Jamma Day! 'Jamma Day!" because I wanted to be in bed that bad. But for the few hours that I was with them and not actively celebrating my self-proclaimed 'Jamma Day, I pretty much laughed non-stop.

Rox: Which one guys? This guy or this guy?

Lorraine Says: Super Lor

Guys, I think I almost become a super hero when I'm bored. 



Stealing from the rich and giving zebra cakes to the poor.



No, seriously, hear me out: You know in comics/movies/super hero stuff when everything gets all zoomy/loud/slow moving so you know the super hero is super in tune with his senses? THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

Boredom has driven me to zoomy-super-hero land. I can hear my next door cube mate slurp her soup extra loud. I can hear the spit of my sick co-worker spritz all over her desk. I can extra-feel my chest rise and fall with every second that passes by and it still isn't time to get the hell out of here. Give me some chop sticks right fudgin' now because I'm positive I can catch a fly.

In short this is the LONGEST DAY INVENTED.

After I looked back at that little introduction, I realized that I yelled at you. (TWO TIMES.) Whenever I write, I have to consciously limit my use of all-caps-phrases.  As much as I enjoy adding some emphasis, I know it can get annoying if it's abused. Plus, even though mommy may raise her voice when she is upset, she doesn't want you to think she's yelling at you.

As I thought more and more about my penchant for doing this, I consoled myself with the thought that at least I don't commit any of the following capitalization sins:

Penny Face Down: Love Is Stooopid

 Do you guys remember the briefly lived RSVP series? Basically, it's what we call our guest posts and when we started them, we weren't asking other bloggers for their thoughts, we were asking people we knew in real life. First Penny and then Phoenix. 

Penny is our other best friend and loyal reader. Though her genius is often featured, we had a hard time convincing her to write again. 

Hard but not impossible!

Notes by Roxanne are in purple.

Notes by Lorraine are in this greeny kind of guy. 

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Hi guys, it’s me Penny. (Roxanne here - sorry, I just had to be a smart-ass with that picture). You guys remember me, right? I’m the one that Lor and Rox always reference whenever something wild, crazy and epic is happening? (And by wild, crazy and epic I mean: laziness, loafing and chocolate induced comas.) 
Well, the reason I’m here is because the two doofs that I call best friends have talked me into doing a monthly feature that Rox has decided needs to be called “Penny Face Down." I personally feel that it sounds like a porn, but I think that may be part of the appeal. L: Let it be said that I also suggested "Knee Deep In Pennies." R: And I robustly second, third and fourth-ed the suggestion.

The plan is to get a different topic once a month from Rox and Lor and to blog about it. Since Rox and I have soooo much in common, I give this whole thing until about March before it stops happening, but we’ll see. R: Hey, my New Year's resolution is to blog more - right after I lose 10 pounds, find a new job and discover the meaning of life!

So for the month of January I was given the topic of relationships. I won’t claim to have this topic all figured out because, yeah no I don’t. But after countless relationships in high school and a 5 year relationship that ended not too long ago, I’d say I have some insight.

Because 8 is totes the new 7, I bring you:

The 8 Personalities I’ve Encountered So Far While Dating (Or While Watching My Best Friends Date):

R: LOVE this, only because Lor was so enraged when she read it. "THIS BISH!," she said. 

L: Yep. Still pretty outraged. To (sort of) borrow from Legally Blonde, "Whoever said 8 is the new 7 was seriously disturbed."

Roxanne Says . Splendid Arbor Day!

HAAAAAAAAAI BLOG! :)

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Feliz Cumpleanos and SPLENDID ARBOR DAY! (yeah, we're not there yet, but I'm being proactive - hush!)

Since I'm really an alternate personality of Lor's [whatever, I'm done trying to establish that I'm a real three dimensional person], she surpresses me around the holidays so that she doesn't tip anyone off and can be a fully- quasi-functioning human being. Holidays are over = Roxanne comes back!

[No seriously, I REALLY am a real person. Honestly. I have a blood type and everything! Although I'm not sure what it is...eh, life fail.]

I just finished reading Penny's impending blog while nomming on a [non-sex] pancake, and may I say : if you've never eaten pancakes while reading a blog, you're doing it wrong. Anyway, I'm supes excited about adding my 2 cents into Penny's blog.

(...HAHA, get it?! Two cents! PENNY! Oh, I kill me.)(I feel like I've made this joke before?)(So I just went through some old blogs with Penny tags, trying to find myself making this corny joke, and I ran across this post where Lor posts a picture of KFC's Double Down...and I almost vomitted all over my laptop. Until I remembered that I couldn't replace it. Vomit averated!)(/end super long parenthesis self chatter!)

Lorraine Says: Full Disclosure

As I arrived at my job this morning, something that I absolutely love happened: I pulled into a parking spot, placed my car in park and just as I turned off the engine, the song that was playing finished. Perfectly timed.

I walked up to the building thinking, "I really love when that happens. I have to blog about this."

And that, my dears, is my real point: for the past couple of days, pretty much every one of my thoughts has ended with, "I have to blog about this."

Phlegm is so gross. I have to blog about that.

WE LOST A FOLLOWER. Damn, I have to blog about this.

Obviously, I'm in a super bloggity mood and my brain is doing like roller coaster loops or something. It sounds dangerous, but I promise that if you just strap in and hold on tight you won't die if you come along for the ride. I mean... You probably won't die.
I thought about tying all this mind-shizz together in list format, but then I figured that if I made another list you all would probably die and then resurrect for the sole purpose of unfollowing me. Then, of course, my life would be over because I was being shunned by the Internet.
Anyways, I want to share all of my mind loops with you. You know, full disclosure and all. We'll skip the list though and just pretend that I can tie this all seamlessly together because I am just THAT awesome.

SPEAKING OF AWESOME...