I wasn't entirely sure that I would stick to my schedule and post today. It seems that in recent days, I've become more accustomed to blogging when nothing is happening- stretching the small topics and trite subjects of every day life.
Now, that so much has transpired, I'm absolutely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how much can be said and by how much I don't want to say it.
This is not me trying to be artistically vague, I swear. That's one of those things I try to avoid, because I know my nosey self hates it when people do it. What good is Facebook/Twitter stalking if all your statuses are vague, huh? I'm kidding, mostly, except for the parts where I'm not really. Don't do that.
It's funny how I look back on my Monday post about being broke and think, "that! Let's go back to that. Let's go back to that day when my biggest gripe was eating Ramen Noodles for lunch. I can deal with that because I secretly love me some Ramen Noodles."
I suppose I find it easier to express myself about things that are only partly serious: spending too much money on a vacation, or my inability to engage in small talk. My mother storing pots in the oven or people who talk too much. I feel downright eloquent while dissecting any or all of these topics. Plus, when in doubt, you can stick an LOL at the end and move about your day.
But we've talked about my complete inability to navigate the deep end of the emotional pool, haven't we? I see this picture clearly in my mind:
On a normal day:
"Hey Lorraine. How are you?"
"Pfft! The vending machine is out of chocolate. I forgot my water bottle at home today. Also, have you noticed the new professor wears way too much cheap cologne? I think I got some of it in my mouth. I told myself I wouldn't have any Starbucks today, and I went anyways and got some because I never listen to myself. God, I want chocolate. Thanks for asking!"
On a day like today, after one of the hardest weeks of ever:
"Hey Lorraine. How are you?"
Let's not talk about the serious things or the emotional, okay? It's too hard. Those words are more elusive and there aren't any acronyms to bail you out.
My family was hit hard this week. Part of it is personal, and will remain that way for a time. On top of that personal thing, my grandmother passed away on Tuesday night. My father flew to Dominican Republic for her funeral. Flight prices were so crazy due to the holidays, none of us were able to accompany him.
I only have incomplete thoughts about a grandmother who was often times very far away. But one whose name I carry. One with the long, painted nails and polish in her purse. The burned spot on our counter where she put down a pot of rice. I see her when my father double blinks when he's tired. The way she put a hand over the mouth of her cup while it rested on the table. The way I do it sometimes too. The stories she had of when and where her children were born. The way the stories were always the same, but still don't make any sense. Her clear, green eyes. Green eyes, foggy with age. How I had to go back and edit this all to the past tense.
The hardest part of this week has been my dwelling on two things:
1.) How life goes on. It really doesn't freakin' care if everything is different now. It doesn't care if you really need a nap. You are expected to make small talk and listen to your coworkers talk about country music awards and stringing up Christmas lights. Because it isn't all about you.
2.) How one's reaction to tragedy tends to skew selfish. Not always and maybe not on purpose but we can't help but ask ourselves about what this tragedy means to me. That seems logical, but at the same time, as I think about how something like the death of my grandmother affects me, it feels wrong. Because it isn't all about you.
I feel years older on this side of the week. Maybe I'm just saying that to justify yet another early bedtime.
Welp. This was a lot more depressing than I intended it to be. So. I'm forcing you to only leave chocolate, rainbows, unicorns and happy thoughts in the comments. Please. All this emotion has already made me itchy.
Nudey pictures can be sent directly to my email.
I like all of your faces,