Lorraine Says: Nobody Said It Was Easy

"Way to sit somewhere where I can't see you guys," Roxanne jokingly said as she walked up to where Penny and I were. "You're both too short to see behind the booth."

"Well, we can't pick where we sit at a restaurant," Penny replied.

"And we really can't help being short," I concluded, lifting my legs up onto the seat and crossing them, Indian style. The hem of my pants were still damp. I'd spent the entire day with wet pants and shoes and the sun hadn't come out at all. I was glad the day was over.

Or nearly.

We looked through the menus and I eyed a picture of peanut butter pie that clearly had my name all over it.

"Aaaaaaand, I'm going to end up getting the most expensive thing. Naturally," I announced. "It's fine though. I went to the store this morning and it was the first time I swiped my card all week. I had to buy razors."

Penny rolled her eyes, as I knew she would. "This bitch. She's always buying razors."

"You always need razors," Roxanne defended me.

"It's true," I shrugged.

"You two have to be the two hairiest people ever."

This guy disagrees.

I thought about our conversation this morning as I drove the near hour to Miami, where I am beginning my quest to become a naked mole rat. AKA laser hair removal. It hurt a lot, in case you were wondering, and that was just the drive to Miami. *rimshot*

Anyways, I just want to say that shaving your legs sucks. A lot. I know there are girls out there that say that they don't mind it, but I think those are all the girls that were dropped on their heads as babies.What to know some sucky things about shaving your legs? Good:

- Razor burn

- Cutting yourself. One time I was shaving my leg and the home phone rang and it scared the bajeezus out of me, so my hand slipped and I sliced the length of my thigh.

- How your leg hair situation determines what you wear.

- Missing a spot. OMG it annoys me so much when I think I'm rocking with my smooth legs and then I suddenly see a spot of hair that I somehow missed even though it's mysteriously long enough to braid. (Kidding.) (Cough.)

- When you get cold and shiver and can FEEL your hairs growing back. WTF.

Having dinner with the girls was nice. Roxanne is working like crazy to make up some hours she's taking for vacation. She's also been watching the CW and may or may not be pretty in to Hart of Dixie.

Penny has a boyfriend now, whom you all know as Phinsfan. I prefer the nickname Pattycakes for him though. Roxanne goes with P.Rick. Hooray for Penny.

All I had to contribute to the life updates was a lingering, hacking cough and a story of Gailey-bird yelling, "pay attention to me!" at me. No, seriously, how does she know that at 2?

I ordered a pasta plate that tasted like garlic ass. My older cousin is really fond of describing really bad/unwelcome/yucky things as things that are "going to make her get her period." I don't normally approve of this saying, one because it's gross and two because I don't know if it makes sense, but while trying to think of a way to describe the ass-y pasta, that's all that came to mind. So bad.

After dinner, the girls and I headed to see a week night movie. I think one sure way of telling if you are getting old is by your reaction to a nearly empty movie theater.

"Where is everyone?" = you're probably 13.
"YES!" = you're probably old.

I love empty theaters.

We watched a Ryan Gosling movie because it had Ryan Gosling in it. I'm pretty sure it also had a plot and a George Clooney, but I wasn't impressed. I mean, it was a good movie but I still stand by the fact that the best movie I've seen all year was The Lion King. Regardless, I'd do George Clooney too. Roxanne agrees. Penny says he's too old.

I'm not sure if Penny was watching any of the movie anyways because she just kept saying, "ONE PLEASE" and "he needs to bang me right now," every time Ryan was on screen.


Also, there was this commercial-y thing before the movie started and I feel the need to tell you about it. It shows all these cartoon people out in an open field. The Guitar of Many Emotions is strumming in the background and we see a happy family with some pigs and stuff. The Happy Man starts building his farm with more pigs and a storehouse and a tractor and the Guitar plays on. Oh look! Now there are cows on this man's happy field. Suddenly, though, a highway cuts through the field and the cows are put into rows in a concrete building and Willie Nelson starts to sing at us.

Next, there are cartoon pigs on conveyor belts being artificially plumped up. Toxic waste is being dumped into a body of water and somewhere, Captain Planet sheds a tear. Next they squish the pigs up into packaged squares and put them on delivery trucks. At this point in the theater, I'm screaming, "OH NO!! WHAT THE HELL?" at the screen and Willie Nelson is all, "nobody said it was easy," and I want to cry.

Then, we see the farmer from before and he is lonely, man. He doesn't even seem to have a family anymore and it's like snowing, or something, on what land he has left. Son of a bish even has a cloud over his head. Times are tough.

But then! Willie Nelson is all, "I'm going back to the start!" and the farmer is all, "bump this!" He runs out into his field where it is no longer snowing (?) and he's getting stuff done, son. I mean, cows come out of walls and he cranks a lever and suddenly there are pigs and crops. It's really inspiring stuff.

And then, it's a Chipotle commercial.

A CHIPOTLE COMMERCIAL. I was so confused. Seriously, Chipotle? Seriously? This seems like a lot of effort for a Chipotle commercial, right?

Whatever. Check it out for yourself and tell me if I'm the only person upset by this, even though I've ruined the ending for you:






The weather is treating us nice for the next few days, so hopefully I can avoid more wet pants. I hate that.

I do, however, like all of your face.