Lorraine Says: I'm That Girl

If I were to make a list of the things in life that pleased me most, it would definitely be a list comprised of simple things. And a lot of chocolate.

Last night, I sat on a couch with Venus, Fetus, a large blanket, glasses of leftover sparkling wine from their mother's wedding, the Emmy's on TV, chips, M&M's and other assorted snacks.

As I carefully unwrapped a zebra cake and took a deep drink out of my glass, Venus said what I had been thinking all along: we should do this more often.

It's a simple pleasure, being infinitely lazy, but we'd earned it.

On Saturday, Venus and Fetus' mother got remarried. Yes, another wedding. It was a perfectly gorgeous day, however, and the outdoor wedding with all the candles and dancing and red velvet cake left me feeling all squishy and happy. Yeah, I know. Disgusting.

It was a small reception. So small, in fact, that when they called the single men to catch the garter there were only three, and all of them were under legal drinking age. When they called the single ladies to catch the bouquet, I tried really hard to be invisible, but in case you were wondering, you can't become invisible just with really hard wanting.




So, up I went, again, and claimed my spot in the way, way back where I was busy dancing to a song that was telling me to get down. I was distracted as Vyelit jumped in the air and swatted down the bouquet, volleyball style. Everyone voted for a re-do, I resumed my dancing and before I knew it, the bouquet had once again sailed through the air and landed at my feet. I looked down and side stepped it as Vylit grudgingly appeared to retrieve it.

"If only her father were here to see that," the MC said. If only.

Look, I'm not shunning love or marriage. But you can quit throwing bouquets at me, life.

I'd made tentative plans with Penny to go see the Lion King 3D after the wedding. The Lion King was actually the first movie I ever saw in theaters. Yes, I cried. I'd say "like a baby," but I was practically one, anyways.

As the wedding wore on and I waited for the people behind me to move their cars and such, it became apparent to me that I wouldn't have the time, energy or will to actually make it to the movie, so I text Penny:

"I'm sorry forever. Don't shred our friend contract."

I didn't really think Penny would end our frienship over a cancelled movie date, but at that point I'd had a revelation about myself: I'm that girl. I'm the girl who has to cancel plans because she didn't realize she wouldn't have enough time. I have some sort of Superman complex that makes me think that I can fit it all in one day. Sure, I'll just run home, shower, eat, get dressed, pick up all of my friends, meet you at the movie, drop everyone off, save the world, eat some dessert, write a post about it and be in bed before 10:30pm.

It seems stupid when I write it down that way, but somehow, in my head, I think I can manage. I always have time to be there.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you take a step back and a sharp breath in and think, "Oh no! I'm that person?"

After I went home and washed off the fancy schmancy make-up and put on some yoga pants, a group of us went to Pink's house to watch the Mayweather fight. I just do not get who gets up in the morning and goes, "hey, I want to get the shit beat out of my face for a living!" Why is that a thing?

I don't like Mayweather, but I'm pretty sure I've wanted to sucker punch a person or two who's hugged me Ortiz style before. Just sayin'.

I hope you all had lovely weekends