Lorraine Says: I Can't Decide if I Want to Grow Up

A month ago, Rox, Penny and I had breakfast with Phoenix. It was during this breakfast that he laughed at me for taking notes of different conversations we had. He can suck it.

As we sat around our pancakes that morning (and he drank black coffee, ew) the subject of 4th of July plans came up. I shared with him the fact that I would be going to Sommie's 4th of July block party, which I thought he would find funny. He was the one, after all, who first mentioned her in his guest blog post.

"Why don't you like her again?" I asked. It seemed like a question I'd asked before, but the answer wasn't readily available in my head.

"I don't not like her," Phoenix hemmed. "But I'm pretty sure she was responsible for the first time I got beat up in elementary school."

"Not that you think about that or hold onto a grudge or anything..." I joked.

Penny, ever the bestest friend of ever, teasingly asked Phoenix, "Guess who else lives on Sommie's block?" After another swig of his coffee, Phoenix played along. "Who?"



I groaned and mentally kicked Penny in her non-existent balls. "Magpie," I answered the question.

"Fuck Magpie!" Phoenix responded immediately.

"She already did," Penny answered without missing a beat.

I slumped down in the booth and died a little inside, waiting for the laughter to die down.

That exchange brought up the topic of early school crushes, first times and other awkward, embarrassing subjects. Phoenix asked us if we remembered Jessica Emo-ly (not her real name) who happened to be his first.

Rox, Penny and I had no clue who he was talking about until he clarified: the skinny girl who always wore costume butterfly wings to school. Yep. That description definitely cleared things up.

We pointed and laughed, naturally, and laughed even more when he told us about seeing her one day, completely without any of her caked on make-up and black eyeliner. "It was a completely different girl."

We all teased and got teased in our turn over our school girl (uh and guy) crushes. I mean, some allowance has to be made. We were kids and kids are dumb.

It's even more amusing, because it was all so important back then. I remember 8th grade practically revolving over the boy I liked, Hason. I have him on Facebook now, and I just shake my head at myself whenever his picture shows up on my newsfeed. I wonder what the hell I was thinking, and say three Hail Mary's. I'm not Catholic, so I have no idea what that means, but it seems appropriate in light of the sin of ever liking this kid.

Anyways, he had a girlfriend for a better part of our middle school career, which didn't really stop either one of us from flirting and carrying on. His girlfriend quickly caught wind of it, and one Monday morning I showed up to school and received 3 or 4 messages that this girl wanted to beat me up.

I freaked out. I'd never been in a fight. She was like 2 years older than us because she'd been left back. She was hefty and solid. I was doomed and my entire life was over. That day at school seemed to last a year, with new people constantly coming up to me to carry the news that I was going to be beat up.

That day, 6th period, I was in the hall putting up a bulletin board, because I was a nerd that way. I had my back to the hallway and was stapling pictures up when I heard someone coming down the hall. I turned to see Hason's girlfriend walking toward me. The hall was completely empty. Not a teacher or student in sight. I held my breath and gripped my stapler and...

Nothing. Not a word, a dirty look, a lunge, a punch, or anything. She passed right by me twice and didn't do a single thing. Hours earlier it seemed my entire life would end, because hormones and melodrama said it would. Everything was so important. Every item of gossip, every note passed, every idle threat.

I don't think I've ever thought, "Man, I want to go back to middle school." And even though high school wasn't a terrible time for me, I don't think I've ever wanted to go back there either.

Being a teenager is really out of the question, but let me just tell you for a one second, that my 20's so far, just a month away from my 25th birthday, haven't been all chocolate and unicorns.

Assorted Reasons and Different Ways the 20-something Years Suck (With Special Help From Twitter Friends)

These are the original reasons I started with when I started writing this post:

- Time flies. Do you guys remember how long a school year used to be? It freakin' sucked. Now it seems that time is off in a hurry. We are in August of 2011. AUGUST. What the hell? Where has this year gone? I seriously feel like I just sat down to write about awkward birthdays and how scary turning 24 would be, and now I'm nearly 25. 

I don't remember time every moving this quickly when I was a kid. 

- Age pressure. The most age related pressure you get when you're a kid is like, "hey, you're 2 now. Maybe you should stop using a diaper." And that really isn't pressure, because I mean, you really SHOULD stop using a diaper at that point because that shit is gross. 

No one is walking around going, "oh God, you're twelve and you still haven't gotten your molars?" and yet when you're twenty, suddenly these age-related statements become acceptable. You're how old and still in school? You're how old and aren't married? Don't have a boyfriend? Still live at home? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

- Watching your parents get older. My dad was Superman to me. I had no idea that we was a size 29 and about 130 pounds soaking wet. He was strong and brave and unbeatable. My mom fixed everything. She was a nurse and a teacher and a magician and the best cook of life. 

Sure, a lot of that has to do with childhood innocence, but watching my parents get old has been really hard. My mom can't see anything unless it's about a foot from her face. My dad can barely pick up Gailey-bird without wincing at the lower back pain. 

My mom rattles off every female name in our family before finally saying, "you! Just come here!" My dad looks more like my grandpa. My mom looks more like my grandma. 

It's kind of depressing. 

After I got this far, I took to Twitter to ask people there what they thought the suckiest part of the 20's were and here's what I got: 

Just so we're clear, I don't want to go back in time, but I also don't want to grow up. Clearly, I have issues. I also think, though, that you should share with me what the most difficult part of your 20's is/was. Also, any embarrassing stories about old crushes are totally welcome.

Also, what's your ideal age or age range? Like if you could go back in time, or if you could freeze your life at a particular age, what would it be?

This list actually started when Penny got some difficult news about her father's health. We had a discussion about our dads and how daddy tears are basically kryptonite and how our fathers should never, ever be sick, ever.

Otherwise, things have been a little strange, to say the least. This past weekend was my cousin Pistene's wedding shower. I had a good time, and not only because of the dessert table.

It's always really awkward at those family things, though, because you have all of the older ladies, all winkywinkying and making sex jokes and assuming that everyone who is unmarried knows nothing about sex and OMG, I'M GOING TO TRY TO FORGET ALL OF THAT AND JUST STARE AT THE DESSERTS. 

I'm pretty sure my next post will be about cockroaches and Ramen noodles. I know, you're excited already. 

I like each and everyone of your faces just about as much as I liked that chocolate cake. <3