Hey lovely readers of LttP. Don't you give me sideways eyes! I know I owe you a post. Mostly, it's one about a chocolate coma and all the things we laughed about on Penny's birthday. While I gather my thoughts on that (read: my boss will be out of town for two days so I can blog at work, haaaiii) please enjoy this post.
It's the next round of the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, as organized by Nuggy. This month is all about animated movies. I'm posting over at Sara's blog and below you'll find the lady I most recently proposed to, Nicole Sweeney.
She said yes, y'all. SWOON.
Heeeyyy, I'm Nicole from SweeneySays and before I get to my review, let me flail for a second: I don't even have words for how elated I am to get to post to Lor's blog today. I am hosting the lovely McGriddle Pants over at my blog. And this theme? It's perfect. I am a sometimes participant in this ring, but the entire snark squad had to show up for this one, because it's obviously related to our favorite activity: eviscerating our childhood loves.
Most of these movies will obviously be kid movies and it might seem unfair to pick on those films, but we obviously have no qualms about that. So let's get started...
I chose The Last Unicorn. I should confess that part of why I chose it is that I actually own a the 25th Anniversary DVD of this movie. I know. I KNOW.
I remember loving this movie as a kid and when I saw it for $5 at Target, it was an impulse buy.
And then I re-watched it with my adult eyes. And all I could say was, "what. the. fuck."
My brother came in the room while I was watching this cracked out piece of cinema and it was probably more uncomfortable than being caught watching porn. I can't compare, but this movie.
THIS. MOVIE. My short explanation was: "Think Little Mermaid, but with unicorns. And a different ending."
If you haven't seen this movie and for some reason have plans to go seek it out, stop reading.
This is a 25 year old children's movie, so first of all, you should know that the animation style and corresponding voices are just plain shitty. The art itself is kind of pretty at times, but the movement is just weird. It brings the giggles almost immediately and makes me wish I weren't watching this in the middle of the day before work, because alcohol could greatly improve this situation.
We open in a forest that is inexplicably pretty and apparently snow never falls and it's never anything but awesome. There are two hunters discussing this phenomenon and the old one assures the young one that there is at least one unicorn left and she is obvs keeping the forest safe by being there. This is seriously a 30 second conversation. It doesn't sound any more logical than what I just described. Then they leave the forest and cut to her, and Mia Farrow says "I'M THE LAST UNICORN?" (no really, it's Mia Farrow)
Then we cut to the title credits and this America song "The Last Unicorn." Because America recorded all of the songs for this movie. Things were clearly a little financially rough for them by 1982.
Then this psychotic butterfly comes through and tells her that the other unicorns were chased away by a Red Bull, but if she is brave she can go find the others. She gets wicked pissed when some old man calls her a horse. But apparently men can't see unicorns which makes her believe there are others? She also doesn't really make it clear whether she means "humans" or "men."
They stumble upon some outlaws who turn out to be lovable but arrogant. So Alan Arkin conjures up the ghosts of everyone in Robin Hood's story. The outlaw gets pissed and ties him to a tree, and then his magic goes awry and he turns the tree into a woman with big tits that he is essentially motorboating. Maybe this isn't a kid's movie.
And then the chick from the outlaw's band can see the unicorn and demands to go with them when they escape. So I guess it is "men."
Have I lost you yet? Because seriously, the only way anyone over the age of six can make sense out of this movie is under the influence of a lot of drugs.
Anyway, the unicorn is trying to get to this castle to figure out what's up with the Red Bull.
The energy drink finds them before the reach the castle and since Alan Arkin is young and only barely a capable wizard, his attempt to save her doesn't go quite so well. He turns her into a person. So the outlaw chick and Mia Farrow are super pissed with poor Alan Arkin and are totally ungrateful to the fact that he saved her life.
So they roll up on the castle and the king is a seriously creepy mother fucker but his son, Prince Jeff Bridges is a really chill guy who promptly falls in love with the Unicorn Girl.
Which brings me to the real reason I chose this movie: it's clearly promoting bestiality. (sidebar: when I spell checked it, I discovered that I had been spelling this word wrong. Important lessons from blogging...)
There is a weird montage where Alan Arkin tries to impress creepy king as his new wizard and Prince Jeff Bridges tries to woo her by slaying mythical shit. Both unsuccessfully. Creepy king knows something is up with unicorn girl and so he's constantly stalking her.
Unicorn Girl is forgetting who she is and she's really depressed all the time. Prince Jeff Bridges does get to kiss her, so score 1 for bestiality.
She has a converstaion with creepy king wherein he explains that he had Red Bull capture the unicorns and trap them in the sea because he's obsessed with unicorns and its the only thing that makes him happy. And then he basically threatens to throw her into the ocean...but she's clearly almost permanently human, and holy fuck I am trying so hard to make this make sense, but I just can't. It doesn't.
Oh, also they receive assistance from an alcoholic talking skeleton and a peg legged cat.
So they end up in a cave and Prince Jeff Bridges insists that he'll still love her as a unicorn (point 2 for bestiality) but when she begs to stay human Prince Jeff Bridges gives a speech about how he's a hero and knows she has to go back to being a unicorn. Points for both arrogance AND bestiality because this guy clearly wants to fuck the unicorn.
Red Bull comes, there's a big show down of sorts. Alan Arkin's faulty magic manages to turn her back into a unicorn. Red Bull tries to herd her into the sea but she fights back. Creepy King sits up in his tower and "watches" (see also: jerks off).
Prince Jeff Bridges sacrifices himself for her, after reminding us again that he's a hero. Then all of a sudden the sea foam turns into a stampede of unicorns breaking free from the ocean, which totally interrupts Creepy King when his tower crumbles (it's a metaphor. for his boner).
The unicorn brings Prince Jeff Bridges back to life and runs off. They exchange meaningful glances about their forbidden love. Outlaw Girl and Alan Arkin are totes in love now too, as a sidebar.
So she stampedes home through all sorts of landscapes while that first America song plays again. According to Wikipedia, this song is popular among German fans of America, and they play it whenever they perform there.
I started to type "/random" but really, that's what this whole fucking movie is. A big pile of random and bestiality.
So if you're ever in the market for the perfect bestiality film for your kids, to let them know that it's all right to have an extra special love for your horse because maybe it's a unicorn that was once a person, this is the film for you.
Noted, filed away and marked as important.