Lorraine Says . Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Have you guys noticed my growing list of How To Never Work Ever? Ahem:

Rule #12 - Any time your boss is gone on vacation, for although it means you should do more work to pick up the slack, you will do less work to make up for the fact that someone is on vacation and it isn't you.

Welcome to my Friday, dear readers.

As if that weren't reason enough to be sitting here metaphorically picking my nose and staring into middle distance, we also have rule # 25 of How to Never Work Ever:

Rule #25 - The freakin' plague.

That's not even exactly a rule, but doesn't it say it all?

Wasn't I just talking about being sick? Why is this cold recycling back to people? Didn't it get the memo that I've already paid my debt to sickness? Actually, since I was sick over CHRISTMAS, I'm pretty sure I'm all covered for the next two years. Also, I'd love it if my immune system would start being gangsta' again.


I should've known sickness was coming when I kept clearing my throat and yet it still felt like small furry animals were chilling in my esophagus. That was so disturbing... which brings me to the point of now being heavily medicated because I'VE ALREADY BEEN SICK.

Woe is me.

Usually, here's how it goes: I realize I'm getting sick, I whine and complain and walk around slouched into a shape I imagine is oddly reminiscent of a question mark. Then I complain some more, turn down medicine because I've accepted the fact that it won't work on me and I should just be left to die. Then I complain. Afterward, I sleep for three days and when I wake up, I complain until I realize that, wait a second! I'm feeling better.

Sadly, when I woke up on Thursday morning, with the plague grossly weighing down my mostly unclothed body, I knew my general plan for getting over sickness would not work.

This is the one week that I have to physically be at work. Remember, my boss is on vacation? I walked in Thursday, coughed one time, and three people were in my cube declaring that I just was not allowed to be sick.

So, I've adopted the Roxanne plan for beating the plague, into what I am now calling the RoxLo Plan for Plague Annihilation: First you pop vitamin C pills like they were ecstasy (or chocolate in my case?), second you medicate with a combination of other stuff like Mucinex, Dayquil and/or Nyquil, and Advil. You wash the vitamin C down with Halls. You eat lots of chocolate but nothing else because your appetite is gone. You sleep when you can, and when you can't, you say stuff like, "it's okay! I'm okay! I feel better."

It's okay guys! It's working! I feel better!

In the meanwhile, and because I originally started this post with, "this post is gonna be crappy and short" and no ideas where it would lead, I give you:

+ The worst time of sickness is first thing in the morning. I woke up today feeling like an elephant was dancing on my chest and a fat kid was sitting on my face. I was all... dry and... ew. I'm pretty sure that was a near death experience.

+ I look like 15 minutes, max right now. I also picked up a shirt fresh out of the laundry that was really wrinkled, but I put it on anyways hoping that my fat-ness would stretch the wrinkles out past the point of recognition.

+ I've lost my work badge again and I'm too embarrassed to tell them. So I've been having to sneak into work behind people and limit my trips into the mail/break room. I also wait by my car in the mornings until I see someone I work with and carefully follow a couple steps behind them. It's sort of like I'm in stalker training. I should probably just tell them.

+ It scares me how much fun I had writing that post about things that irritate me. And all of your comments back were even more fun. I think "things that bother me" posts might become a thing. Not a lot. Just ya know... when I need cheering up or something.

+ Like you know what I don't like? When people say, "when you least expect it." Oh really? That's all? All this time I just had my "expecting it" switch flipped on. Let me just turn that off now. That's for the secret to all the universe.

+ So, I hope you guys realize I'm joking. Recently, one of the blogs I was more fond of has taken a turn for the conceded. I have a feeling this author doesn't really think she's God's gift to the interwebs, but her tone just isn't one that can pull off the whole "I'm so awesome" thing. So if my tone ever becomes one where you just want to yell at me, "hey goofball, you aren't that amazing!" or "sweet baby Jesus is there anything you LIKE?" please do that. Please let me know.

I say this all because I'm awesome that way.

Enjoy your totally not plagued-up weekends. I'll be back with a proper post on Monday.