Lorraine Says . My Body Is A Dude

That title seemed like a better idea in my head. There's a story behind it, of course, but when I read it again just now, I realized that it would imply that I have man parts.

Hey guys, I don't have man parts.

I have been working out lately, which has lead Roxanne and I to have all sorts of deep and meaningful conversations about life, and health, and shopping and why they would possibly feature a computer on Jeopardy to play against real people.

On Tuesday night, as we were leaving the gym, Roxanne and I had this conversation:

Lor: I hate coming to the gym at this time. It's always so packed and ew, people. We should come back tomorrow at like 10.

Rox: See, here's the problem: the waiting around at home with no pants on until 10. I feel like once your pants are off, there is a point of no return. Like, if you put pants on after an hour or two, your body will reject them.

Lor: I mean, maybe you can put some on to go to the corner store or something, but if your body knows you're going to the gym, it'll definitely reject them.

Rox: Maybe we need to trick our bodies and tell them we're going to the corner store, but actually go to the gym.

Lor: Yeah! But that'd probably work the first day, but the second day he wouldn't go for it.

Rox: Yeah, he'd say, "no way! I'm not falling for that again."

...

Rox: Also, I love that we're both females but are bodies are "hes." You should blog about this.

Rox loves telling me I should blog about things but when I suggest that she blog, she either pretends like I didn't say anything or says something really stupid like, "I'm not funny!"

Lor: Half of what I write is just quoting you, stupid.

Rox: Yeah, but you put your funny spin on it. If I just say stuff, it isn't funny.

Lor: Funny spin?! I sit there and QUOTE you. I transcribe our BBM's. I mean... "French rapist?"

Rox: *giggles* Yeah, that was pretty classic.

So I sent her along yesterday night after our workout with strict instructions to NOT look at fashion blogs and to blog about how she wasn't funny, about RiSK relationship updates, about big girl turning points and I don't even know. ABOUT ANYTHING.

Of course she didn't blog.

I told her that I was going to post the following. I didn't tell her that it was essentially as payback for not blogging.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, a few seconds of Roxanne:







That's my beef! :)

Also, did you notice how when she said something about Koala Yummies and Zebra Cakes she looked in my back seat? Hahahaha. Man. What does that tell you about me?

Also, also, did you hear my sick voice? It wasn't even very bad there. I'm feeling better but my sick voice is getting worse, which is amazing because I've been milking the ish out of it at work. I've had people fetch me my mail thanks to sick voice. I should just sound like a hoarse mouse all the time. That or fake a pregnancy. Have you noticed how nice people are to pregnant girls?

Anyways, Rox, Penny and I went for a walk around the nearby community college last night in an attempt to spend some (free)(not ice-cream-based) time together.

I picked up Penny first and she came out in her shorts and a tank top. I don't think I've ever seen Penny in shorts.

Lor: You look so cute!

Pen: Shut up. I asked my mom if this outfit makes me look like a lesbian.

Lor: You did not.

Pen: Swear. I asked her if these shorts make me look like I like girls.

By the time, we got Rox, it was already dark out, so as we started walking Penny expressed her concerns.

Pen: We aren't going to get shot, mugged or raped are we?

Rox: Uh, we shouldn't. I think we'll be safe. Plus we all have our phones.

Lor: Okay, the person not getting shot, mugged or raped, run away and call the police. Then the other person can like... kick the bad guy in the 'nads or something.

Pen: Unless one of us is shot, because then you're just down and everyone else should run for their lives. I think I'd rather get mugged.

Rox: No, dawgs. I'd rather get shot. I don't want to get mugged or raped.

Lor: Seriously? I'd get raped.

...

Lor: I'm kidding.

We were completely safe, in case you were wondering. Penny told us about trying to cut Anthology out of her life (which I told her she should blog about) and we had fun for a while calling him names. Because sometimes you just have to take it back to elementary school and call someone a stupid head to feel better about a situation.

She told us a little about the random hook-ups Anthology insisted on sharing details about with her.

We talked a little about always attracting the boys that need fixing.

We talked about using inappropriate language as we passed a little league game.

Rox told us about how her father had her trained to say, "Daddy is a good boy, mommy is a crab ass" when she was just a wee one.

We jaywalked.

I KNOW. We're bad to the bone. Mostly it was Roxanne running across the street all willy nilly like and us following after her all, "we're gonna diiiie."

Pen: I'm 23 and I'm going to get a jaywalking ticket now.

Lor: I know. I managed to avoid them when walking to get to places was actually a thing. If anything, Rox can just show them her dad's business card. (He's a cop.)

Rox: I don't even have it on me.

Lor: That's okay, we'll run until we get to your house...

Rox: and then we'll be all, "hahaha. BASE."

OMG, guys. BASE. Base was the single best and worst thing ever in a game of tag. Best if you were being chased and you finally made it over to that wonderful tree/fence/car/whatever that meant you could breathe for just one moment.

Worst if you were chasing and all those morons were just chillin' by base like wussies. Lame.

Work is still kicking my butt and I don't appreciate it.

Tonight, I get to see a free movie with Penny. Roxanne is not joining because she is being a poopoo head. We may gym afterwards, however, which will surely means tons more reflection on the important things in life.

Like how my friends have decided I shouldn't buy another nail polish, ever again.

Sigh.