Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Feliz Cumpleanos and SPLENDID ARBOR DAY! (yeah, we're not there yet, but I'm being proactive - hush!)
Since I'm really an alternate personality of Lor's [whatever, I'm done trying to establish that I'm a real three dimensional person], she surpresses me around the holidays so that she doesn't tip anyone off and can be a
[No seriously, I REALLY am a real person. Honestly. I have a blood type and everything! Although I'm not sure what it is...eh, life fail.]
I just finished reading Penny's impending blog while nomming on a [non-sex] pancake, and may I say : if you've never eaten pancakes while reading a blog, you're doing it wrong. Anyway, I'm supes excited about adding my 2 cents into Penny's blog.
(...HAHA, get it?! Two cents! PENNY! Oh, I kill me.)(I feel like I've made this joke before?)(So I just went through some old blogs with Penny tags, trying to find myself making this corny joke, and I ran across this post where Lor posts a picture of KFC's Double Down...and I almost vomitted all over my laptop. Until I remembered that I couldn't replace it. Vomit averated!)(/end super long parenthesis self chatter!)
This bish swears that she can't blog or isn't funny/witty/literate but she's totes too modest - and funny! Plus, she's so insightful on life. She can muse about my dating history and my dating style much better than I ever could. I'm all biased and skewed, but she'll give it to me straight - that's why we asked Penny to write about relationships. She's a pro...even though she wears skorts. Skorts...BWAHHAHA.
I might be turning to the blog soon in a wave of emo-fierce relationship blogs based on my wavering feelings about how my relationship with RiSK is going. Just wanted to warn you guys in advance, in case you start seeing lots of Hawthrone Heights lyrics and black eyeliner -- I'm sorry, I'll try to keep it to a minimum...
RiSK and I are still together but he's having...reservations...and not of the dinner variety. We're trying to work through them because we both care about the other a lot but it's very up in the air right now. I'm generally not a fan of living my life in unease and question marks, but I love this man...he's worth a little personal turmoil if there's a chance that the end result will be favorable. I will say, though: it's annoying how difficult relationships can be even when you do everything in your power to make them easy and convenient. Like, what else do I have to do? Argh.
Anyway, the scariest thing I've ever done is life is try to figure out whether this man really loves me and is scared to show it or just doesn't love me and that's WHY he can't show it. I'm always one for being introspective and analytical, but entertaining the thought that the person you love may not love you back just...sucks. After working the logistics of the situation, I realized that I think he loves me and is scared to show it -- which is why I took the leap and called him on his bullshit last night. It seemed like he saw my logic on some of it, agreed with some of it, but overall has a lot to process.
I haven't put myself out on a limb for ANY man in a long time. It's been about 6 years since I cared about any man enough to give a crap about whether they stayed or went. I had my heart broken once when I was a teenager, VERY badly - like to the point where I couldn't eat and I lost 20 pounds and had people worried - and I instantly decided that if I never felt that way again, I'd be golden. That ish is scary, man! After that, I either cheated on every boyfriend or generally treated them like shit in an effort to keep them as far away from me as possible. RiSK thinks he's dysfunctional? I was no functional pie, either!
There was SOMETHING about this guy that made things different. It wasn't even a decision that I made to be different or act different, it just happened. I let him in, I saw how hurt he was, I wanted to treat him well because I knew that he deserved it. I didn't understand how anyone could hurt him the way that they did. I basically wormed my way into his life because I wanted to take care of him...and now that I sit here and think about it, I probably shouldn't be surprised that I'm in the situation I'm in. He never asked for this, he never asked for me - he never openly pursued me the way a man is supposed to pursue a woman. There was no woo-ing. He never had a chance against me - I'm sort of a fearless force when I make up my mind.
But the point is, blog, that in almost a year together (regardless of how many months we were just "friends with benefits", which truthfully dissolved after around month 2 when he searched out our blog, because seriously - who cares to read mindless jabber from someone you're JUST banging?), no one held a gun to his head to go along with any of this. No one made him introduce me to his parents or bring me around his friends or go on vacation with me or send me flowers or buy me earrings. No one made him blather on about how we're going to get married and he's going to dance with his Mom to this song he's been planning since he was a kid, no one made him promise me that in some amount of years (he said but I don't remember how many) that we'd get married and have "obnoxiously beautiful babies" - HE DID ALL OF THIS ON HIS OWN ACCORD. How do you sit there and do all of that and then get to a point where you go "oh shit, this is a real relationship!" and want to bail? How do you invest all of that time and emotion and all of yourself but still decide that you're scared? You've gotten through the scariest part, which is opening yourself up to someone at the risk that you'll be rejected! Once you get through that and survive that, everything else is just maintaining what's already been built.
How do you make someone a part of your life if you're not even sure that you want them there in the first place? It's like someone's been playing a really mean joke on me. Like I'm on Punk'd, but not even the real Punk'd - like a third rate bootleg verson that airs on local cable and is really in Japanese but is subtitled in American font that is two sizes too small. And has choppy audio sync quality. And airs only after midnight. Guys, it sucks THAT BAD.
I really truly believe that he loves me - I just don't know why he's scared of me.
In related news, I'm ready - and I MEAN IT - to get back into the gym hard core. Overall I'm okay/slim-ishhhh, but I could use lots of toning. I'm pretty fluffy, and Despicable-Me-fluffy way...in a "is Britney Spears skinny or fluffy, I can't decide!" way. In light of this gymotivation, I need help forming a gym playlist. All of you non-gymmers out there, don't fear - you can play, too! Basically, I need angry music. Music with angry lyrics, rock music, rap music, or also any form of techno will do. Or well, music in general. Shit, just give me music!
Ohhhh look, another complete blog where I basically contributed nothing of substance! lol joyous day!
I'm off to make coffee, blogosphere - enjoy your Sunday!