Do you guys remember the briefly lived RSVP series? Basically, it's what we call our guest posts and when we started them, we weren't asking other bloggers for their thoughts, we were asking people we knew in real life. First Penny and then Phoenix.
Penny is our other best friend and loyal reader. Though her genius is often featured, we had a hard time convincing her to write again.
Hard but not impossible!
Notes by Roxanne are in purple.
Notes by Lorraine are in this greeny kind of guy.
Hi guys, it’s me Penny. (Roxanne here - sorry, I just had to be a smart-ass with that picture). You guys remember me, right? I’m the one that Lor and Rox always reference whenever something wild, crazy and epic is happening? (And by wild, crazy and epic I mean: laziness, loafing and chocolate induced comas.)
Well, the reason I’m here is because the two doofs that I call best friends have talked me into doing a monthly feature that Rox has decided needs to be called “Penny Face Down." I personally feel that it sounds like a porn, but I think that may be part of the appeal. L: Let it be said that I also suggested "Knee Deep In Pennies." R: And I robustly second, third and fourth-ed the suggestion.
The plan is to get a different topic once a month from Rox and Lor and to blog about it. Since Rox and I have soooo much in common, I give this whole thing until about March before it stops happening, but we’ll see. R: Hey, my New Year's resolution is to blog more - right after I lose 10 pounds, find a new job and discover the meaning of life!
So for the month of January I was given the topic of relationships. I won’t claim to have this topic all figured out because, yeah no I don’t. But after countless relationships in high school and a 5 year relationship that ended not too long ago, I’d say I have some insight.
Because 8 is totes the new 7, I bring you:
The 8 Personalities I’ve Encountered So Far While Dating (Or While Watching My Best Friends Date):
R: LOVE this, only because Lor was so enraged when she read it. "THIS BISH!," she said.L: Yep. Still pretty outraged. To (sort of) borrow from Legally Blonde, "Whoever said 8 is the new 7 was seriously disturbed."
1.) The Hopeless Romantic - The one who decides week #1 that this is the person they are going to marry. They start doodling their first name with the practical stranger’s last, picture what their kids might look like and wonder whether or not they’ll keep their own furniture when they move in together. And then when things go south and someone else comes along, they say, "just kidding about that last one guys! This new one is TOTALLY it for me!” -_-
R: This is dangerously close to the Stage 5 Clinger. I've had a few run-ins with this guy, but the worst was definitely the one who told me, mid-movie theater on month 2 of our relationship, that he wanted me to have his babies. WHA WHA? My eggs shriveled up and died on the spot.
2.) The Push Over: This person never stands up for themselves and just does whatever they think their significant other might want them to do. This person doesn’t have a backbone and is constantly trying to please. This trait may be disguised in the beginning stages as, “Oh man, he is such a good compromiser” or “Awww, he always puts my thoughts first, how sweet." Trust me when I tell you that it will eventually turn into, “Omg, Becky! Why is this kid such a puppy dog? Doesn’t he have any testosterone?” This guy might also be known as TheOneWithNoSack.
R: These guys are really nice in theory, but execution is just MADDENING. L: Who the hell is Becky?
3.) TheOneWithNoIdentity: Like the Push Over, but he not only doesn’t stand up for himself, he starts to change who he is completely.
“Oh that’s your favorite band?! Me too.” Even though you know he’s never heard of it before you came along. “You love football?! I never miss a game!” But then while you are watching together he has a million questions and looks confused throughout most of it. Yeah, he’s never seen a game in his life.
That stuff could almost be flattering for a while until he starts talking like you, changing his clothing style for you, abandoning everything and everyone he knew so he can generally be your clone all the while canceling out everything you ever liked about him to begin with. No bueno, guys. Get your own personality! I already have a me.
R: This is a little like 616, except 616 never tried to emulate a significant other, but rather who he was hanging out with. I've never seen someone be a gangster/thug white kid, a country-loving-baseball-playing redneck and a rock loving poker player all in the span of 6 years. Sort of disgusting.
4.) TheOneWhoWearsThePants: This is the guy who wants you to jump when he says jump, hang out with his friends, be there for his events, and listen about how bad his day was. This is the guy that centers the whole relationship around himself and his needs and never takes your feelings into consideration. This can escalate into a problem as soon as you decide that you’d like a nice night out with the girls anywhere they serve alcohol and/or a nice looking guy might be hanging out. This is the guy whose Dad never hugged him enough so he likes to know where you are at all times and anytime you miss a call from him, he thinks you’re boinking someone else. This guy is no fun at all.
R:This is RiSK without all of the jealousy - THANK GOD there's no jealousy. I don't think he means to be this person but he totes is. L: I don't like to talk about my best friends significant others. I don't like to but sometimes I can't help it. That said, this was what I first noticed about RiSK. She's made a way into his life, but in many ways, and a year later, he has yet to break into hers.
5.) TheOneWhoCan’tBeAlone: This guy is the guy who I have to most experience with. He can’t be single because it makes him crazy, so he jumps into meaningless relationships. He doesn’t genuinely care about them; it’s more for his own sake because the thought of being alone and having to process his own personality flaws is just too terrifying. So he just keeps forming these relationships that crumble around him and leave him panicky as he searches in desperation for the next person to fill the void.
R: Oh, hi, Anthology! This is also Brown Bag. These guys piss me off the most because I'm all about appreciating someone for who they are and making them feel special, and how can you do that if you're making EVERYONE feel special? L: This could be subtitled "How Anthology ended up dating an 18 year old manatee for a month."
6.) The Boink Buddy: This is the guy who makes his intentions very clear from the being. “I don’t want to know your name. I just want Bang! Bang! Bang!”. R: We now interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post for a breaking edition of Group X's "Bang Bang Bang" video:
He tells you up front what he’s looking for and you know if you give in exactly what you are signing up for. All the "fun stuff" and none of the "mushy complicated stuff." Some girls will take this offer because they feel like a little bit of fun couldn’t hurt. MOST girls take this on as a challenge because they feel they can be the one to tame this stallion. “Once he sleeps with me enough he’ll totally fall in love and then before he knows it, he won’t be able to live without me!” Take it from me, it doesn’t work. I know because I’ve tried. Guys are not that mysterious. If he tells you he only wants one thing, chances are he’s not lying!
L: Boink buddies? Don't usually work. The functional boink buddy = a unicorn under a double rainbow. Good luck finding it!
7.) TheOneWhoCan’tBeFaithful: Sometimes he has the best intentions possible when starting a new relationship, but something about him, something that craves the attention of the new and exciting when things start to get comfortable, makes him look elsewhere. Looking leads to talking, talking leads to temptation and for this guy, temptation leads where it shouldn’t. This guy can’t say no. He doesn’t think before he acts. This guy might tell himself that he won’t cheat on the next girl, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, he will.
8.) TheOneThatMakesYouWonderWhatIf: Everyone has that someone: the one you didn’t get to know well enough to determine whether it would have worked or not. Something always messed it up. One of you had a significant other, the person had to move as soon as things were starting to get good, or maybe they’ve been you’re best friend for years and taking it to the next level wouldn’t be worth the risk of losing them all together. These guys are pretty bittersweet. They give you hope but still make you frustrated all at the same time.
L: Thank Jeezy there isn't anyone I wonder about.
So there you have it guys! I know my list makes me sound bitter and jaded but I promise you I’m totes not. I know that all of this that I have witnessed, whether first hand or vicariously through my friends are the reasons why none of us are married with babies yet. (Oh man, that was scary to type let alone go through with).
But believe it or not I am totally optimistic that there are guys out there who are the perfect balance of testosterone filled/faithful/personality-having with every intention of committing! A girl can dream right?
With that said I give you: (yes another list, don’t punch me!)
You Might Be a Deal Breaker If:
- You’re a Stage 5 Clinger: If a guy has ever whispered “If you leave me I’ll find you!” in your ear, has ever asked you if you’re mad at him when he clearly has done absolutely nothing wrong or proposes marriage on week 3, he might be a deal breaker!
R: There are WAY more of these out there now than there were 6 years ago. It's like reverse extinction! Save the bald eagle, eradicate these fuckers!
- You’ve Been Recommended to Attend Anger Management Classes: If a guy screams at the top of his lungs at you because you ask him for the money back that he borrowed from you, yep you guessed it… deal breaker.
- You Enjoy Fist Pumping: If a guy parties more nights a week then he sleeps, if he can get into any club in South Florida just by saying his name at the door, or if he has ever told you that he hung out with the cast of "The Jersey Shore" and thought it was good thing, he might be a deal breaker.
R: GOOD LORD THIS GUY IS LAMESAUCE. L: Hahaha fist pumping. (I almost wrote, "Rox dated a fist pumper" but then decided that sounded entirely deranged. And then I typed it anyways. Hahaha.)
- Your Reputation Proceeds You: If a guy has more girls numbers in his phone than Tiger Woods, can’t count his sexual partners without a calculator, or is on a first name basis with the receptionist at Planned Parenthood, he may be a deal breaker.
- You’re A Mooch: If he gets to spend more of my paycheck then I do, or somehow magically forgets his wallet every time we are out, he might be a deal breaker.
- You’re Name Is ----- And You Have A Problem: If a guy’s hobbies include getting wasted and gambling all of his hard earned money away, DealMotherFuckingBreaker!
There totes has to be a positive list out there somewhere, but that’s a blog for a different day. Right now I’m on a quest to figure out, even with all that said, how some people can make it work for eternity. My parents have been together since they were 15, have been married for almost 30 yrs and still actually like each other. I’m not sure if that has given me hope that Mr. Right is totes out there, or just confirmed that my parents are nut jobs and that love is stooopid.