Lorraine Says: The Breakfast of Champions

I had a twofold mission this weekend: 1.) Spend as little money as possible and 2.) Spend as much time in my pajamas as possible. Number two really came into play after I slept like poop on Friday night. (I'm not sure poop sleeps but I think if it did, it would be really crappy sleep.) (Hahaha.) (It's Monday. That's the kind of shit you'll be getting today.)(Shit. Get it?)(Hahaha.)(Okay. Done now. Promise.)

I'm convinced that you all like us well enough because you haven't been shopping with us. I'm pretty sure that if you ever went shopping with Rox, Penny and I, you'd hate us within about... oh... 10 seconds.

Maybe that's why Jeezy brought us together. Maybe we're destined to be best friends because we're the only one's who play the "what do we need game," try on every nail polish in the store, and know that the answer to Roxanne's question "know what this'll go good with?" is always "with tights."

Roxanne and Penny convinced me to come out of my cave and watch them as they shopped at our favorite outdoor mall on Saturday afternoon. Penny had all the money, Roxanne had all the energy and I just kept chanting "'Jamma Day! 'Jamma Day!" because I wanted to be in bed that bad. But for the few hours that I was with them and not actively celebrating my self-proclaimed 'Jamma Day, I pretty much laughed non-stop.

Rox: Which one guys? This guy or this guy?

Lor: Um. That lighter one. They're basically the same thing but that white guy looks more mature.

Pen: Yeah, the blue guy would laugh at a penis joke, and this guy wouldn't.

Usually, I drive everywhere, which means that in my two-door car, calling shotgun has basically become a bloodsport. When I'm not driving, Penny does which means that shotgun is supposed to be played by Roxanne and I. But, I kept noticing her not even trying. She'd just climb into the back seat.

Lor: See how much she loves me Penny? She just lets me sit in front. Wait...how come you don't call shotgun?

Rox: It's just... really not fair. You suck really bad at this game. Really bad.

Pen: Playing with you is like convincing a kid on the short bus to play along.

-_-

Thanks guys.

Pen: Guys... it smells really bad in here. Seriously. Did one of you fart? *rolls windows down*

Rox: NOPE.

Lor: No, omg, I promise. I didn't do it!

Rox: You smelt it, you dealt it!

Lor: You denied it, you supplied it!

Rox: You denied it too, you idiot.

Lor: Um... yeah, I know but I was just trying to think of all the rhymes I know!

Pen: Circle, circle dot dot, now I got my cootie shot?

Lor: Circle, circle, square, square, now I got it everywhere. Circle, circle, knife, knife now I got it all my life.

Pen: I don't get if you had it all your life why you had to keep... Wait. Guys, I think the smell is outside. I think I'm letting it in.

Rox: GOD DID IT.

Anyways, we ate a little and shopped a little and I didn't spend my monies! Rox and Penny didn't want to go home but at this point, my eyes were tearing and I was begging to be let into pajamas. Actually, I started begging like the Spanish chick in "Ever After." Remember the scene? Where Prince Henry is about to marry her and she's walking down the aisle crying all "No, por favor. No te cases conmigo."

Rox: It bothers me that in that last scene, when he goes to "save" her, he butchers her last name when he proposes.

Lor: I never pay attention to the last scene because... well... I just can't help but notice his package the entire time.

Rox: YES! OMG, YES.



That wasn't your shoe I was hiding in there. I'm just really happy to see you.

 And these are the types of conversations we have when we're bored/lazy/hopped up on Starbucks and also bored. Anyways, we all went home. Except that Rox ended up not in pajamas on 'Jamma Day. She ended up going out to shop some more solo.

Lor: I'm rewarding myself for straighting my hair by counting my nail polishes. This is a wild Saturday night.

Pen: Your lifestyle is so exciting. How do you do it? Teach me?

Lor: I'm afraid it's unteachable. Some people are born with this gift. I thought about showing up to Rox's house in 'jammas but she's totally out shopping again.

Pen: She's still shopping?! Like for real?

Lor: Super totes real. She's like a gold medalist Olympic shopper. She's the Michael Phelps of shopping.

Pen: She should be on the cover of a Wheaties box dawgs. That's impressive.

Lor: Hmm... does anyone actually eat Wheaties?

Now, since we were joking throughout the messages we were sending back and forth, my last question may appear to have been a joke, but I assure you dear readers, it was not.

I'm pretty sure I know nothing about it because all the cereal I eat is high in sugar and low in anything that would make you likely to put an athlete on the front of it.

My cereal would more likely feature leprechauns, unicorns, and fairies. My cereal is often in the "family" section of cereals, so that I feel judged for eating it even though I'm not actually buying it for a "family." So, I posed this question to my friends.

Does anyone actually eat Wheaties?

Penny: Nope, never. Why would they? Wheaties is not exactly an appetizing name.

Lor: Mights as well be Plain-ies or Meh-ies.

Rox: People with no taste buds. -_-

Sara Nipples: They just keep them around so sport stars no one cares about can be featured somewhere besides Sports Illustrated. And the new boxes are scary as shit. Google a picture. It looks like the athlete is saying, "You're gonna get raped, bish."

So.

Does ANYONE eat Wheaties?

All I'm saying is that if I'm ever an Olympic gold medalist in like... chocolate consumption or nail polish ownage, don't put me on a Wheaties box. You can put me on a Count Chocula box though.

Hope you all had great weekends. Answer my question about Wheaties. I like all of your faces.