Lorraine Says: Que Sera, Sera

Dude, I’m a bit of a mess today. My hair’s half slicked back in a pony-tail and half poofing out in tiny bits. I’m both mentally skipping to my lou and bored to tears. I was in bed last night before 10pm and up before 1am which means I’m running on even more negative amounts of sleep. I’m not wearing any nail polish. It’s chaos, I tell you, CHAOS.

I’m so loopy right now, that I’ve started this blog entry three times. And in the spirit of still not knowing what ze fudge I’m writing about, I’ll show you those false starts. Ahem:

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I love when I’m told the obvious. I thought about that as I finished up my pee break a few minutes ago and a nifty sign taped to the wall read, “Ladies, please make sure you flush and leave things neat and tidy.”

Oh, really? I was going to leave a mess and perhaps not flush but thanks to that sign, I’ve changed my ways. I might even wash my hands. What? You’ve got a sign on that too with instructions and helpful pictures of talking bubbles?! SOLD.

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There is a very scientific explanation for what’s wrong with me. Maybe not what’s wrong with me today specifically, but what’s wrong with me on a grander, why I’m always in monetary danger, why I’m living at home, why I’m four years into a major and now I decided I want to change, scale.

And before you jump ahead of me here, it’s no sort of neurosis, thanks so much.

It’s the second law of thermodynamics, according to Lorraine. Hey, Rox once made up an entire book of the Bible that had something to do with going forth, multiplying, spreading your wild oats and using your womanly bits or something like that. That pretty much means I CAN use and dumb down scientific laws to explain my personal failures.

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I have a cousin, who we’ll call Vertical Slits. Last time I saw her she was dating some guy her parents hated. I asked her about him and her eyes glazed over with tears as she stared off into the middle distance and her bottom lip began to quiver. They broke up. Through further conversation, it was revealed that she’s currently dating someone new. “Oh,” said I, “You have a new boyfriend?” “Yea,” she answered drily as the tears vanished and day dreamy music disappeared. Well... don’t sound so excited.

The next day at the wedding, they started playing some questionable music, which might as well been labeled Vertical Slits' Emo Playlist of Choice. Every song that came on made her cry harder. By the time Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You,” started up no one really knew what to do anymore.

Awesomely, as we all sat around and awkwardly avoided our crying cousin’s eyes, my older sister Pink lets out a huge, “aww!!”

I side ways glace at her and ask her what she’s aww-ing at.

“This is the song! The one they played on "Saved by the Bell" when Zach and Kelly break-up, right?”

Tear. I’m not sure it is, but that episode was the worst. Zach and Kelly forevs, man.

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Awesome stuff, eh?

My mental merry-go-round is sponsored by a sudden re-motivation to get ish together. That was sponsored by not wanting to end up wallowing in could’ves, should’ves and would’ves, crying at weddings and attaching memories to every other phrase, song, this very blog title or purple eyeshadow. (Sigh.) It’s co-sponsored by an amazing day off yesterday.

Rox and I did a tour of antique shops. We were quite entertained. After the first shop, and subsequently exploring that shopping plaza complete with AN ALLEY! (I lost my ish when we discovered the alley. I literally walked down it going Ooooo, an alley!) we decided we could find a few more and ended up on Las Olas. Our frenetic attention spans were quite pacified and the day was absolutely beautiful. We had a swell lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, where Rox may or may not have had a sour apple martini at like 2 in the afternoon, Rox sponsored my first Snoball experience and we even made it over to the public library. I loved every second of it.

Here are some random pictures because it’s what I do:

We found all sorts of cutesy books and journals. I took a picture of this one because it was like the 8th thing in the same vein of Michael Bolton that had me all FML. It's all good though. Other shiny things distracted me. Or as my friend Betty down here says it:

Would you still be my friend if I wore this?

Does it surprise you that we ended up at a soap store. I love soap! I don't know why I would bathe in something called love sick though. Err?

These soaps were amazing however. I don't know that I could actually use them though. Too pretty. :)

Snoballs! And why yes it was just me and Rox and why yes those are 4 snoballs. Mine was chocolate and marshmallow and strawberry and condensed milk. Rox had Tiger's Blood (fruity coconut) and blue and green Warhead jizz. Stomachache, hardcore.

So, sometime between "I want money to buy all this stuff" and "I never want to work another day in my life," I think I’ve re-found my motivation. Again. Some more. I need to start cleaning up all these messes I’ve made. I’m a smart kind of kid, you know, that’s probably had things too easy in life, that doesn’t really know how to work to get the things she wants, who’s only ever flirted with danger and heartbreak. It makes the whole motivation and determination thing a bit difficult.

But with pennies in the bank, a job where everyone is awful nice but that makes my eyes water from sheer boredom, after considering every major under the sun, including law and marketing, and education, and creative writing, now down to my top two choices, and with my room in complete and utter chaos as I’m between unpacking and also remodeling, I think I may be ready to make some moves.

I’ve mourned the end of Pharmacy and things as they were and things as I wanted them and the ugly green wall in my room. I cannot recover any of that time.

Let’s do something! No more folding paper, please. I’m literally tearing as I sit on my knees on my computer chair and swivel from side to side.

Blarg.

&lor

Roxanne Says: Being Older Than Your Mother

I know that people say this a lot, but I REALLY mean it:

I DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE MY MOTHER.

Sigh. Maybe that statement is a little harsh. I love my mother to bits and pieces, and I want to be like her in a lot of ways, but I don't want to END UP like her. The conversations that I have with her about life are just so trivial and irritating, and her defeatist attitude is so frustrating - it's almost overwhelming. The worst part is that I can see it happening to me! I can see where I've adopted the same mindset and it's starting to contaminate my life, and I'm scared shitless.

Here's some backstory on what's launched me off the deep end:

My mother doesn't drive. She used to be an alcoholic, back in the day, and always figured that if she was going to drink, she wouldn't drive. At least she was that smart. When I was a year old - so we're talking 22 years ago - she went into rehab. She has been sober ever since, with the exception of a small relapse she had while I was in high school. Even after going through rehab and being sober for years and years, she still hasn't resumed driving. She works three days a week and always manages to finangle rides from my dad, grandma, me, co-workers, or her best friend (also a co-worker).

Well, my grandma moved away last year. This was sort of a turning point for my Mom, and leading up to my grandma leaving, she started worrying about how she'd get around. Two Christmases ago, my Mom's boss gave her a gift certificate for driving lessons in order to faciliate in her getting her license. She was more frustrated in not getting the money outright, because she wanted to buy my old car from me. Whatever, you take what you get, dawgs - driving lessons it is! You need that anyway. Up until this point, she has not cashed in her certficates for driving school.

Now, one of her more reliable co-workers - the one who takes her in on Wednesdays - is moving elsewhere. So the nature of the conversation that I just had with her is this:

Mom: I don't know what I'll do when Katie leaves. I'm so pissed, I wish that I had been able to buy the Neon when you had it.

Me: Well, why don't you just take the driving lessons and take that time to figure out how you'll manage getting a car? You don't need a car to take the driving lessons.

Mom: What's the point of doing the driving lessons if I can't afford the car or the insurance? I can't fit another payment in my month, I have too much credit card debt, I don't make enough money, I hate my job.

Me: Yeah, but you have to take the driving lessons ANYWAY. Just because you can't afford a car now doesn't mean that you'll never be able to afford the car. The problem is that you don't REALLY want this, you just want to complain about not being able to have it.

Mom: That's not true, I just can't afford it and it'll never happen.

Me: Why don't you and Dad work together? I'm sure he can help fund you paying for a car outright. He IS your husband, after all!

Mom: But then I'd still have to pay for insurance and I can't afford that either.

Me: Look, I PAY TO LIVE HERE, with you guys. I pay for a $300 car payment, $200 insurance, a phone bill that's higher than yours, and two credit cards...AND I HAVE NO JOB. Do you think that it was easy to pay for car insurance at 16? No, but I made it happen because I REALLY wanted to drive. If you want to drive, find the money. If you aren't making it now, work more. If you can't work more out there, find another job and work more.

Mom: But then when will I have time to get the house work done? I need the extra days to do everything I need to do around the house.

THEN YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE THE TIME TO DRIVE, NOW DO YOU?!!

And so on and so forth. It's fucking RIDICULOUS. She's making excuses so that she can continue on complaining about it, instead of DOING SOMETHING about it.

The worst part is, I'm doing the same thing with school! Oh, I can't go to school until I get a job so that I can know my schedule. Oh, now that I have a job, I'm working too much to go to school. If I keep up this pace, I'm going to be just as habitually and self-inflictedly unhappy as she is! Terror - I feel it!

EEP! This might just be enough to force me into a self-rebellion.

&rox

Lorraine Says: I'm Engaged!

Within two minutes of walking into my aunt's house in Tampa, it seemed to me that I'd made my family scavenger hunt almost too easy: after a round of hugs and kisses outside, I entered to find a kitchen stocked with 5 different women cooking dinner. Check. There's an almost empty Corona on the counter. Check. Hi nice to meet you, Skinny Girl. Who are you? MY COUSIN! Kiss. Hug. Awesome and check.

I BBM'd Rox all of my immediate findings and she reminded me about gathering photographic proof. By the time rounds two and three of hugs and kisses and "turning around so you can see me" were complete and I'd found a non-descript place to snap photos from, I'd encountered what would be my problem from the entire weekend.

What's that, you ask. Thirty-five people using their outdoor voices inside at any given time? A little sister who wanted to be a brat the entire weekend? Little to no entertainment? Sleep deprivation? A rabid case of the munchies?

Well, uh huh, but no. All of the above I mostly expected or can deal with. My problem was that I set off for my trip all broken. As soon as I said, "Hey, I'm feeling better," as soon as I started super gluing together my damn Jack-in-the-box emotions... Well, you know.

I wasn't sad, so don't worry, this isn't a sob story. I was done mourning, but holy balls did that leave me spent. Where the eff was I going to find the energy to be social?

Uh, I didn't. Well, I mean, I basically blew my load on one iffy Blackberry picture:

And from that point on, I sat in a corner. Hey Lor, wanna go to the gun range? Nope. Want to eat some of this rice we cooked in industrial sized pans? ICK, no. Want to sit on a couch and watch a Yankees game? OH, you insult the core of my being. Want to smile there, crabby pants? Totes not happening. Who says totes? In your pants says totes. 

 

On Sunday was my cousin's wedding. He's 32 and everyone thought he wasn't going to get married. Hispanic years is something really close to dog years, so 32 is the equivalent of  "I'm never getting grandchildren, am I?" The bride I met the night before the wedding. I literally turned to my cousin and asked, "who the heck is that." "The bride." Pause. "Oh." 

We completely missed the ceremony. Vyelit kept getting texts from Pouty saying things like, "zOMG bring hairspray. Hair EMERGENCY." And we giggled (well I did. Vyelit was beasting) until we got there and everyone looked like some variation of Fran Drescher and a Chia Pet.

Ch-ch-chia! The reception was nice. As weird as the entire thing was, there was broken Lorraine all, "She gets to get married TWICE and I haven't even done it one time. This can't be faaaair, waaaaah booo." Nothing like a good wedding to really pep up the spirits of the single. Happy wedding.

Oh, and I took another scavenger hunt picture! One pair of hooker heels, aka mine, after a long day:

Artistic, I know. A brush, nail polish remover, sugar packs and a messy bed: the essentials of life.

I don't know, ya'll. Looking back on it now, I wish my disposition had been better. I saw family members I hadn't seen in so long. Everyone was a little preoccupied with wedding jizz, but I mean, I didn't have to spend the entire time in a corner.

Today was better. After last night's thunderstorm, it was a clear and perfect day. My brother-in-law is a huge fish and sea life enthusiast and so we went to a seaquarium in Tampa. It was quite entertaining, and down time was good. Plus, this guy was so cute.

Aw. 

OH! In case you were wondering, this isn't who I'm engaged to. During the first night, I was pulled aside by my cousin's best friend and he proposed. It was so random and cute and it was mid-emo-anti-social-melt-down too.

Now, I just have to wait until he graduates high school...

Sigh.

Seems I'm not too shabby at securing proposals. I just have to find the appropriate one. 

Well that's the recap folks, but I've got tons of little observations for you all on things like hot cousins, careers, the gym, car naps, hotels, cheating husbands, wastes of time, broken hearts, Saved by the Bell.

I won't promise a blog on any of the above. This is just a wink and a suggestive nod that perhaps it's on it's way. I missed my blog-boyfriend though, so I had to write a little something.

I'm going to bed. 

&lor

Roxanne Says: Beautiful Nail. Jusssst one.

Hey look, I found me! I didn't even have to put myself on a milk carton to do it!

Lor instructed...err, rather, forcefully commanded, me to blog more. I can't really say that I disagree with her. Where have I been? It seems as though the hours turn to days and the days turn to weeks when you're unemployed. I have good intentions, I promise that I do! I swear that I'll blog today. I have so much to say, today will be the day! That quickly becomes eclipsed by small flits of room painting, Ikea molesting, job hunting, or RiSK taking. My attention span leaves much to be desired.

What have I been up to during my blog staycation, do you ask?

Meh. Nothing too terribly eventful. Insult to injury, right?

Last Friday I went out with some friends from (former) work, plus met up with a couple other friends from the past - Showoff and FailedMusician - and we went to this bar downtown. Somewhere in the excitement of 80's, 90's and today's rock hits, I drank too much. The people I was with started to see that, and some of the guys started flirting with me. Feeling unsure of my surroundings and not wanting to even put myself REMOTELY in a position of taking part in activities I might regret, I opted to leave. I literally walked away from the group, paid my tab and left. I didn't tell anyone, I didn't say goodbyes...I just left. Holla.

I drunkenly stumbled out to a neighboring building, sat on the steps and called RiSK. He and I had been messaging the whole night anyway, plus we had a previous arrangement for me to come by and drop something off to him, so he was expecting it. What I don't think he expected was for me to be as buzzed as I was. I drove the 5 minutes to meet him at work, gave him the CD I owed him, and then somehow started pouring my heart out. I don't remember specific details, but here's the cliffnotes version: I know that you care about me, I'm just frustrated that you don't TELL me even though you show me, I care about you, everything that I ever liked of your douchey roommate was all stuff that he got from you, I write about you (OH MY GOD, THE WORST PART...I TOLD HIM THAT I WRITE ABOUT HIM, I want to die STILL). He handled the whole thing very well, listened to my sobby ramblings...oh yes, I was crying. Did I mention that? -_- He said that he cares about me, I read him too well and that scares him, he's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to navigate but he cares about me a lot.

Since then, we've hung out a few times and we're still functioning normally. Overall, it helped the situation, but holy fuck...I wish I hadn't gone about it in that manner. If he didn't know that I'm a generally sane person, this could have really ended poorly. Whomp whomp, me!

Aside from all the RiSK goodness, I've been painting and job applying, which is fun! I'm not 100% dedicated to either task, though...so I'm more or less half assing EVERYthing right now!

Lor and I are promising ourselves that we're going to hardcore get back into the gym. My cousin had her Sweet 16 last month, and the pictures posted from it are less than flattering. I'm generally pale and have fat arms. These things are not sexy nor acceptable, so we'll be rememdying this situation ASAP.
I really enjoyed doing our 100th post and I can't wait until we reach the next 100! I'm so proud that we've stuck with this! Granted, Lor has totally stuck with it more than I have...but all I want is a small pat on my back, so I think I'll give myself that. I'm vowing to be more blog aware, like I was in the beginning. Working out more, pursuing creative avenues...all of the things that make me feel inspired about life. Can you dig it?

For some parting words, here's the video about the beautiful nail thing that I spoke of in the title. If you guys haven't seen this before, this chick's dry entertainment is hella amusing.



&rox

Thursday To-Do: Family Scavenger Hunt Edition

"If this blog were my boyfriend, it'd be cheating on me because I don't pay enough attention to it. It'd be 'working late', 'out with the guys' or 'really tired.'" 

- Roxanne Harrington

Yesterday, I planned to spend my evening in search of a wedding dress dress I am wearing to a wedding this weekend (fixed it, Rox.) That epically failed, so after wandering the mall a bit longer and putting some food in my belly, I BBM'd my loverly beef to see what she was up to:

       Lor: Are you hookah-ing tonight?

Rox: No, but I am going out for drinks with RiSK.

Lor: Oh.

Pause.

Lor: OMG, the blog is my boyfriend. How sad. I need alternate sources of entertainment.

Rox: LOL. It's not your boyfriend.

Lor: It totes is. It's okay. You don't have to paint it in pretty colors for me. You go beautiful nail*, Penny can nap with Anthology and I'll be cuddled with the blog.

If this blog were my boyfriend, I'd be smothering it. I'd be all over his FB wall, text messages and voice mail. It'd need a little space to breathe and think things through. But it'd wouldn't actually tell me that. It'd just slowly disappear.

WHATEVS, blog. No need to be immature about it. Sometimes a little Lorraine goes a long way. I get that. Maybe you've had your fill of Lorraine. Maybe you're busy with other things. Just tell me. I r big girl. I can take it. It's the not knowing that gets me!

...

I'm not really talking about the blog anymore, am I? Nope. SIGH.

Anytangent, blog. No space. You will be my boyfriend, and you will like it.

On that note, gimmicks ahoy! Who doesn't like a good blog gimmick? I haven't forgotten about the Thursday To Do. It's just that last Thrusday we were working on the 100th post and the Thursday before that something and Thursday before that... uh, cats.

See?! I haven't forgotten about it.

I am fully aware, however, that since this weekend will find me in Tampa for a wedding, and the beginning of next week will find me on a mini stay-cation, not much is going to get To-Done.

Instead, I'm proposing a family scavenger hunt. I will attempt to collect all of the following things, providing photographic proof where possible:

• One half empty Corona
• One child in a wedding dress and soccer shoes
• Three inquiries as to whether or not I have a boyfriend
• One giant family trip for ice cream where we make the employees want to shoot themselves
• One old lady with entirely way too much cleavage
• One uncle wearing sunglasses at night
• Eight cousins sitting on a single love seat
• Five women cooking one meal in one kitchen
• One cousin I've never met before
• One person who asks, "Do you remember me?" No. I was 2.
• One person who says I'm fat
• Five pairs of stripper heels (one may be mine)

I'm actually quite excited, mostly because we leave Saturday and will be back Monday. It's going to be amazing. Now, I only have to find something to wear. UGH, I can only shop when I don't HAVE to shop. I can especially shop when I SHOULDN'T shop.

WHATEVS, SHOP. I'm off to wander around the mall.

&lor

*beautiful nail = going out for 1 drink. One single beautiful nail. One drink.

"Usted esta pasando por la entrada Pink Flamingo."

Balls of Steel: The 100th Post

Lorraine: I once had a teacher tell me I wouldn't graduate high school. And if by some miracle I did, that I definitely wouldn't make it through college. I'm working on disproving her theory, but EFF YOU BEE, I totes (no totes!) graduated high school.

Roxanne: Yeah, I'm having vivid flashbacks of our high school history teacher, The Reverend, telling me what a disappointment I was and would always be. Warm fuzzies all around, folks.

L: I feel like this, our 100th post! is in honor of them and every freakin' nay-sayer in the bunch. This is for you E and Toper, because we're still funnier than you. This is for you, Magpie, for doubting our friendship because "girl friendships never last." This is for you Stalkerazzi Girlfriend, because you know what? We needed a stronger password anyways.

R: Hahah, Stalkerazzi Girlfriend...gooooood times! But on a real tip, we did need a stronger password. I know that this is the wrong venue for blasting a homie, but I want to light Magpie on fire with his own cigarettes.

L: To celebrate the 1-0-0, Roxy and I bring you 100 things you never really wanted to know about us, but that we're gonna tell you anyways! Yay, party.

R: PARTY!

---

10 Things You Never Wanted to Know About Us

1. I make ridiculous sound effects quite often, and I'm also really good at doing a few voices/accents other than my own.

2. I have the bounciest thought train EVER. Lor and I both have this problem, and often find ourselves going "Dude, I was thinking about cats, and then I was wondering what would happen if cats could talk, and then it made me remember the time when I lost my voice, and that was caused by pollen and WHO DECIDED POLLEN IS A GOOD IDEA?!"

3. I love the smell of burnt out matches, most men's cologne, and acetone.

4.  I chew the inside of my mouth SO MUCH that I'm convinced I'll develop cancer one day.

5. I enjoy ridiculously aggressive sex with RiSK. Bruises, name calling, face slapping, smacking, nails in the skin, knocking stuff over in the process...we're animals, and I'm constantly being berated for my bruises.

6. I'm an expert at picking things up with my toes. I do it in front of people without thinking all the time and it freaks them out. 

7. I obsessively pick the skin on the back of my arms and have the scars to prove it.

8. I scratch the back of my throat, old lady style, ALL the time. It's a gross noise, I know, but now I do it without even realizing, until someone yells at me to stop.

9. I'm strictly a fan of butted underwear, boy shorts in particular. I have an astounding collection of boy shorts.

10. I don't bruise easy.

10 Things Life Has Taught Us So Far

11. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

12. Nothing is clean unless it smells like bleach.

13. Karma is real and is absolutely something to be respectfully feared. It'll come back to you when you don't want it but most deserve it.   

14. Other people don't take well to muting the TV during suspenseful moments.    

15. Honesty is, by far, bar none, the best policy. That, and, "no smoking".    

16. God absolutely exists.

17. The people that I like, I like instantly. The people I let grow on me only constantly remind me why I didn't like them in the first place.

18. Laugh at yourself often, but not out loud. Find people who will laugh with you and it won't make you want to punch them in the eye.
19. My mother was right. Damn it.  
20. No matter how good a person, a friend, a lover is, they will hurt you every now and then. Your life will suck unless you learn how to forgive them.

10 Things on Men and Love 

21. Trust your gut instincts, SERIOUSLY. I can't tell you how many times I've correctly guessed something about someone. Don't talk yourself out of what you FEEL inside.

22. Don't ever change yourself for a man. Compromise is fine, but never give up the things you love, want, dream or do to impress a man. Men don't respect women with no substance. And I agree with Lor *points below* about how it should inspire you to improvement.

23. It is VERY seldom that a liar will ever be worth your time again. I say very seldom because I used to be a manipulative liar who more or less destroyed an entire human being. I'm 100% reformed, but I'm one of the exceptions - not the rule.  

24.  A relationship without mind-blowing sex will not be a relationship for very long.

25. The best thing you could ever do for someone you love is to be honest. Be honest about your likes, your dislikes, how you feel about them, what you want...even if it doesn't always lead you where you want to go. That person deserves to know what's really going on and you deserve to be true to yourself.

26. Sex is important if you give it its importance. Please give it its importance.
27. There is a severly disproportionate amount of hot girls to hot guys. Hot girls are flippin' every where. 

28. No one keeps their love or their money. All we can hope for are good investments. 

29.There is no happiness in trying to change someone, though being with someone you love should inspire you to improvement. 

30. I am and always will be a hopeless romantic. My idea of happily ever after often changes, but I don't doubt that I will achieve it. I don't doubt that happily ever after exists.

10 Things About Childhood

31. I got a Kix lodged in my nose when I was younger, probably 6 or so. I thought my Mom was going to have a heart attack. We still can't walk by Kix to this day without her having a fit.

32. I had a Boston accent when I was a kid. My l's were y's and my r's were h's. How does "You locked your keys in the car, dad," turn into "Yawk yee keys in the cah, dad?"

33. My parents giggled whenever I said cuss words. My dad even taught me to say "Mommy's a crab ass, Daddy's a good boy," and would tote me around his police department showing his fellow officers his handywork.

34. I had a series of long, flowy, silky nightgowns and would parade down the hall every night as Wheel of Fortune came on, the same way that Vanna White would do during her introduction.

35. My cousin and I used to play house, and we'd both be married. I was always married to Joey Lawrence and she was married to Rod Stewart. Joey and Rod would start to fight but every time Joey went to kick him in the balls it wouldn't work...because Rod Stewart has "balls of steel". Seriously?! WE WERE 6 AND 8!

36. Until I was about 8, we attended a church where wearing pants, earrings, make-up, cutting your hair, and doing your eyebrows were all sins. I was 12 when I pierced my ears. 

37. My first time-out at school was for telling kids Santa Claus doesn't exist. Though I suspect it may have really been for the singing Rudolph socks I wore that day. 

38. On the first day of pre-K I fell in love with a little kid named Edward. When I got home I forgot his name and made up the name Gaby. That night, after my parents tucked me into bed, I got up, found pen and paper and drew two little stick figures with hearts and my name and however I managed to spell Gaby. My dad walked in on me, and as soon as I saw him, I started bawling because I thought I'd done something wrong. He heard me explain what I was doing, and nearly died of laughter. He kept the picture, has it to this day, and swears he's going to bust it out on my wedding day.

39. Though I have a gigantic family, I have no one my age. Middle child syndrome to the max.  

40. One day my mom and sisters pretended to leave me at home alone because they kept yelling at me that we were leaving, but I was glued to Baywatch. So they all hid outside and waited until I realized I was alone and had a panic attack. 

10 Essentials In Our Purse Right Now

41. Philosophy's Bubble Gum Blow-Out Lip Shine. Bubble gum flavored lip gloss gets rave reviews from my taste buds! 

42. Lavanila's The Healthy Fragrance Vanilla Coconut perfume. This fits very well into my regimen - either coconut body scrub or papaya coconut body wash, vanilla coconot body lotion and then this wonderful vanilla coconut perfume. I carry it everywhere because I'm a serial perfume spritzer.

43. A black permament marker, for all of my baseballing authograph escapades. I usually carry a baseball in there too (I'm not normal, we know) but I think it's in RiSK's glove box?

44. My Sephora Beauty Insider card. Sephora is like crazy to us, and I make sure to always keep this card in my wallet for the impromptu Sephora trip.

45. My Blackberry. It's my motherboard...I can't operate without it. BBM is life!

46. Victoria Secret's Beauty Rush lipgloss in Cocoalicious. I have a thing with smelling like/tasting like/eating chocolate.

47. Cover Girl's Lash Blash mascara. I love mascara. I feel like I've said that before.

48. Tissues. Sniffle.

49. A mechanical pencil with 0.5mm lead. (Eat it Rox. 0.5mm or BUST.)

50. Currently Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller, but a book is a must.

10 Party Blogs You Should Read

51. Lorraine Says: -_- - The ABCDarian poem takes me way back to 9th grade, the emo face is priceless, and her writing skills are just hamazing.

52. Guest List: Roxanne - I think it's cheating to pick this, since it's about me...but whatever. I do what I want!

53. Lorraine Says: Matte Pink Is A Metaphor For Life - we come up with the best metaphors for life when you put us together. Lor and I make sense of the world.

54. Lorraine Says: I'm So Unselfish - the post where she gives other people New Year's Resolutions. GENIUS. This is even better because Phoenix saw his (LAWLZZZ!) and got such a kick out of it when he found the blog. He even posted a smidge of his resolution on Lor's FB. This is classic.

55. Lorraine Says: Third Cousins of Santa Claus - because by falling in heart with my "like-minded agreement", I have essentially proven her theory right.

56. Roxanne Says: Show Me Your Teeth - hands down my favorite Rox blog of all time, but not at *all because this is the one where she (metaphorically) alludes to jizzing all over my face. Ahem.

57. Roxanne Says: Revelations Part II  - A slow clap, a public apology and a joke about an apocalyptic book of the Bible. Score.

58.Roxanne Says: The Great Bed Conspiracy - word. Genius. I'm gonna ride this one until I die. EFF YOU, I don't have a job because of beds!

59. Roxanne Says: Rabbit Rabbit - Who's saying HAIM?

60. Roxanne and Lorraine Do: Black Friday

10 Memories From Our Beefdom

 

61. Driving around Gainesville with Lor, on the most beautiful  day ever invented, talking about how we're going to make a blog and move to Gainesville and go to UF sparingly and discover life, all the while having a quaint little house where we'll drink wine and giggle and bake for our friends. THE DREAM, LOR.

62. Lor, dialing Phoenix while he makes assorted death threats at me. This started with them in a shouting match and ended with her on the couch as she giggled about what a jerk he was, WHILE still on the phone with him.

63. The travel-tainment basket that Lor made me before we drove to Gainesville. It had journals - the same journals in which we'd later plan THIS VERY BLOG!!!! - colored pencils, a library book, and assorted other goodies! Are we noticing a trend here? Whatever. GVille was always uhmayzing.

64. Any of our habitual outings, like Coldstone in the beginning, where we'd giggle and talk about how we hate/love/don't get boys, the gym - which was ALWAYS uhmayzing, Aventura Mall, where we'd be shopping for GVille. IHOP is another good one as well. All of our date spots...*dreamy sigh* LOL.  

65. The night Pen, Lor and I sat around painting our nails and doing personality disorder tests. "Would you A, or would you not B, like to be the Senator". WTF?!

66. Roxanne in a tub, quoting Kat Williams and me demanding that from that moment on, we become and remain best friends
67. Driving to the improv show our first night in Gainesville and having the most epic emo meltdown ever. 

68. Celebrating BrownBag's birthday at ABY. For that moment, we were both perfectly happy with life.

69. Our first re-meet at Chilli's with Phoenix. We instantly clicked and were giving each other the sideways eye from the start.

70. Playing at the 2 year old playground on Hollywood beach on the coldest night of the year, dancing and making prank calls.

10 Facts About Food As Told By Us

71. Better as a leftover than fresh? Chicken wings.  

72. It's not really a fact, but I remember a story that our high school Chemistry teacher, Mr. Naughty Hearts, told us about broccoli heads having tiny worms in them. This greatly disturbed me as I am a HUGE fan of broccoli.

73. Speaking of broccoli, an ex-boyfriend and I used to refer to sexual acts as foods. Sex was "peas" and foreplay was "broccoli". That same year, he gave me a Veggie Tales coloring book for Christmas. Think about that one next time you eat your vegetables.

74. Any form of strawberry/banana/grape/pineapple/coconut smoothies are instruments of God. Yes, I'll take the largest size you have. Oh, a tub?  You mean I have to bathe in it? Perfect.

75. The Melting Pot is heaven. If you don't have a Melting Pot near you or you've never been to The Melting Pot, I'm sorry. Everyone should immerse themselves in Love Martini's and Milk Chocolate+Bailey's fondue. UGH, foodgasm.  

76. M&M's are the one food that you can drop on the floor and never feel bad about picking up and eating again. They've got like built in protection and a coat that just lets filth slide right off.

77. If you leave a box of food in the corner of your hotel for 4 days, it will spontaneously convert into H1N1.
78. 9 times out of 10 you can get away with putting ketchup on whatever you are eating.

79. Feed me chocolate and I will fall in love.

80. I'm sorry but there's never an excuse for pickles. They should stop existing.

10 Names for the Kids We Aren't Having Right Now

81. Ava Alyzabeth

82. Olivia Kate

83. Lyla Jolene

84. Lucas Deveraux

85. Jacoby Jasper

86. A girl named Noa

87. Adelaide Jayne

88. Nathan Matthew 

89. Nathaniel Enoch 

90. Caleb Micah for a girl

10 Songs You Must Listen to Right Now

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Yay accomplishments!
Now, what you really should do is all get together and give us 100 comments.

Think about it.

&lor

&rox