Roxanne Says: The Great Bed Conspiracy (and other things)...

Hear ye, hear ye! It is decidedly so!

My first book will be titled:

The Great Bed Conspiracy

by Roxanne Harrington

[please credit me accordingly. This stuff is genius.]

So as we've discussed, The Party Girls have been engaging in a fair amount of 6am gym. The first day it was just Lor and I, which resulted in abbreviated gym to accomodate an IHOP trip. IHOP, as we've shown you, is the hub of all creative energy. IHOP *is* the end of the rainbow, folks.

Day two was remarkably harder. Lots of eye rubbing, bed snuggling, and under (morning)breath mumbling. 6am?! Who makes these decisions?

Somewhere in here, the Great Bed Conspiracy was formed.

I wholeheartedly believe that beds were created by the government to make us lazy. THINK ABOUT IT! Back in the olden days, in the days of Jeezy and Alexander Graham Bell (don't give me a fucking history lesson, I know that the timelines are miles apart), they didn't have beds! Noah didn't have a bed - he had an ark to build! Do you think that if Rosa Parks had a bed, she'd be so upset about having to sit in the back of the bus? NO. Look at how productive they were! Alexander Graham Bell didn't have time to lay in a bed...he was busy inventing shit! I bet you Hitler didn't have a bed! No wonder why he was so pissed off - he was probably sleeping on a floor! Even the dude who invented the bed - I'll bet you that was the last noteworthy thing he did! Besides die in BED with a bag of empty Cheetos next ot him and the clicker in his hand...

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, blogosphere, that it's just clinically, statistically, and astrologically inappropriate that I should fight to peel myself out of bed to do something as insignificant as the gym. The real culprit here is not my lack of life motivation, but it is the BED for being an instrument of evil. Somewhere, there's a government lair (managed jointly by Tupac and Elvis Presley) where they're holding the formula to yellow mustard, the props used in that supposed *air quotes*MOON LANDING*air quotes* and the blueprints to the bed - among other things. Like Brown Bag's maturity. And the true decision on Phoenix's sexuality. Jury's still out, folks.

Anyway. Ahem.

BTdubs, it should be noted that Penny got all uppity when I said that Hitler was productive. Penny is of jew-ish descent (meaning that she has Jewish tendancies, but is only sort of Jewish). Jew-ishhhhh. Let it be said that I don't condone anything that douche did, but you can't really argue - he got it done, right? Bump your resume up against Hitler's and I'll tell you who wins, interwebs.

In other news, I've been told that I have two weeks to live.

...

With the Teets. HA, GOTCHA! Seriously, the month is just about up and as per my final written notice, my employment shall be terminated sometime with the next two weeks. At least, I hope it'll be that soon - I have lots of shit to do once I get fired. I can't let all of my amazing plans fall to the wayside simply because the Teets wants to take their sweet ass time prolonging the inevitable. BASEBALL ASSAULT TOUR! I hope you're ready, Florida...Lor and I are going to make you our bitch.

I'm so checked out of this place. I just want to find another job or get fired. I hate this place. I love the people I work with, but this job makes my soul feel like gak. Anyone remember gak? Gak. That's how I feel about the idea of coming here everyday. You guys don't even get it! I'm the prissiest bitch - makeup, hair, jewelry, etc. I need to look cute 75% of the time. I used to do full on makeup, cute hairstyles, blow dry my hair daily, etc...just to come to work. Right now? Messy bun, not a smidge of makeup, blotchy face, too small sweater and pants with a stain on them. FUCK THIS PLACEEE! I'm ready to go ape shit once I get fired and get my nose pierced and dye my hair some shade or variation of red. And tan and gym and just let my little head pop off.

Lunch break over. SIGH.

&rox

Lorraine Says: Never Look A Pancake in the Eye - A Guide to Being Insane At Target

Lorraine's Note: Hi everyone. It's now Wednesday afternoon, day two of AM gymming and genearlly a swell day. I wrote a large portion of the below last night. Sometime between finishing it (sort of) and publishing it, I fell asleep. When I found it this morning, I did what any serious writer protecting journalistic integrity would do and I... edited it a little bit. Just so it would make some sense and I wouldn't be TOTALLY embarressed!! Mmkay. Enjoy my ramblings.

So you’ve heard the saying, never look a gift horse in the mouth? Well I’ve taken it upon myself to tweak this saying to apply to my current situation in life: Never look a pancake in the eye.

I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it has to do with not questioning the genius and inspiration that pancakes give Rox and I. Seriously. Rox and I have a long, and amazing history with IHOP.

It all started with Gville 1.0. We stopped at IHOP with giggly, retarded bunny levels of excitement, which made the meal all the more wonderfully delicious. It was at an IHOP in Gainesville where we furiously scribbled in our journals and birthed “Late to the Party,” and the entire Roxanne and Lorraine brand as we pipe-dreamed it.

Okay, now, remember that AM gym session we were planning? It happened today, for the first time. We were up awake by 6:30 and up sometime later. I would’ve rolled over and kept sleeping if Rox hadn’t called me a lazy face. :(

Anyways, when I picked Rox up and she climbed in my car, we giggled over how being awake wasn’t that bad, even if we’d rather be in bed, or getting coffee or eating pancakes…

And BAM. It hit me. Free effin’ pancake day. I told Rox and she gasped and breathed, “nuh-uh.” Yes-huh people. YES. HUH. So we probably lasted 15 minutes doing hardcore elliptical at the gym, convinced ourselves that we were easing into it, convinced me that being late to work wouldn’t be so bad, and booked it over to IHOP.

Of course while we were actually there, there was plenty of coffee-ing and breakfast item-ing, but we didn’t actually have any free pancakes. But! There was also plenty of inspiration.

Between the IHOP and the gymming, I was hyper. Oh, so, hyper. A lasting hyper that braved the 8 hours of my bland cubicle job, into the mid-term I was unprepared for, all the way until 7pm as I pulled out of school and text Penny:

COME OUT WITH MEEEEE…!

But alas, Penny was already in pajamas.

BUT, I didn’t. I decided, screw that! I can be alone! I can entertain myself.

So, I went to Target to blow some money on things I only sort of needed.

I may have gone nuts at Target. Slightly.

Lorraine's Slighly Nutty Thougts and Meanderings At Target

It’s pretty empty in here. I greet the elderly security man who I could tip over with my finger. Note to self: Good day to shoplift. Further note to self: Are you crazy?! Concluding note to self: Possibly.

I try and look like a legit shopper, combing through shelves of $7 tank tops and tee-shirts. Who wants a tank top with this never-ending Florida winter? I consider buying a flowery shirt because it reminds me of my grandma. I realize that is a horrible reason to buy any clothing item.
I need socks for the gym. I pick up a pack of white ankle socks.
Chocolate, I need chocolate, so I head to the refrigerated section and look at ice cream. I want mint-chocolate chip, but there’s only an extra-large tub of really yummy looking stuff and a small tub of organic looking stuff. I want the yummy one, real bad. I put my hand against door that keeps us apart and wonder what people will say if they see me walking out of Target with an extra-lard tub of mint chocolate chip ice-cream and socks. What if I see someone I know? I realize I’ve been staring at ice-cream for too long and pick up the organic looking stuff.
The ice-cream is cold and I didn’t think to get a basket. I think I see an empty cart. No, wait, it has something in it and a woman crouched down next to it. I’m tempted for a second to steal it, run away with the cart, leaving a trail of her stuff behind me. I realize, I am not good at running and Target is not that big. I will eventually be caught.
I keep walking. I need lotion. I want a quick dry nail polish top coat.

I fight the urge to pick-up check-out line goodies.

Why does my cashier need nails so long they curl under themselves. She's very good at handling them and at charging me... $30? Yeesh. And all I really want is the ice cream.
Too much energy with an insufficient outlet. Dammit, I forgot to buy Dorito’s Late Night. I am attracted to them even though they might as well be called, Stomach Ache In A Bag: All-Nighter.

Yeah... So now I’m writing this blog in my favorite pair of blue checkered boxers that I didn’t actually get from a man, but that I purchased from Wal-mart out of the men’s section.

I’m writing this blog wearing, bright-white, ankle-socks 'cause I bought them and so dangit- I'm gonna wear them.

I’m writing this blog with Eisley blaring in the background.

I’m writing this blog with a serving spoon in my tub of ice-cream, taking turns between bites of Mint Chocolate Chip, a few lines of blog and painting my fingernails some pink OPI thing.

We’re going back to the gym tomorrow. More energy.

Remind me to plan after school activities.

&lor

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. "

And getting Penny out of her pajamas is harder than [insert inappropriate joke here].
And Rox was out with RiSK [insert no comment here.]

And Vyelit was out with her best-friend Roofalin. I thought about begging Penny, calling any of the people in my phonebook.

Lorraine Says: I To-Did It!

Yesterday, right before we dealt our Uno! cards, I was lying on the ottoman, whining about how sleepy I was. That led to discussion of our new plan: waking up at 6am to go the gym.

Penny and I were less than enthusiastic, even if we are convinced that we must do this. Rox tried convincing us that she had it worse, because she doesn’t start working until late. “Tuesday I start work at 2. I have to wake up at 6am and I don’t even work until 2!!”

Of course that’s silly because she can just fall asleep and have another night’s rest. As we’re discussing this and I’m yawning on my ottoman, this happens:

Penny: But Lor can’t nap. She doesn’t know how to physically do it.
Rox: She can’t nap unless she’s sick or it’s 1986.
Me: AAH!! STOP QUOTING MY BLOGS TO ME. This is retarded.

Sigh. This blog has become such a big part of my life. And before you think me insane, I love writing and expressing and blah, blah, blah, but I also love pretending to work in my cubicle, but really blogging. I have 8 hours a day to kill, people. Facebook can only do so much…

Anyways, I had a grand revelation Friday when I got home. I’d fallen into a pattern of being giddy during work, emo when I got home and had nothing to do, and giddy if I went out at night. If I slowed down at all, if there was a moment of silence, no new text in my phone, no BBM alerts, I suddenly felt like a boatload of crap. When, oh when did that happen? I used to pride myself on being able to spend time alone. I used to choose staying in alone once in a while, because I was happy with a book, or a movie and my own company. You cannot be anti-social and also in constant need of people.

On Saturday, I BBM’ed Rox my gigantic to-do list and said, “I figured out I’m emo if I quit moving. So I’m not going to quit moving.” It was a genius plan for the moment, but also not what I want. As much as I still want grand, I want to be able to be happy apart from that. I want to be happy in the little things.

Ugh, that’s so TMI. No purple-y intestines to see here folks, just keep moving right along.

Seven Little Things That Made Me Happy This Weekend

1. I To-Did It! There’s nothing quite like crossing things off a to-do list. Hooray for productive Saturdays.
2. Is this what the world looks like? A fresh pair of contacts is like windshield wipers for you eyes. It’s amazing. I ran out of contacts a month ago and just got around to ordering more. It’s like the world is in HD again. Seriously.
3. Toothpaste for your face. Everyone needs to buy Clean and Clear Morning Burst In Shower Facial. I don’t know if it does anything good for your skin, but who really cares because it’s like toothpaste for you face. You put it on before the shower and while you shower it gets all tingly and yummy. It wakes me up and I am in heart.
4. Everybody’s Looking At You. I usually don’t do well with compliments, but when Vio woke up and I was flitting around the house, home from the errands I'd run she rubbed her sleepy eyes and said, “Wow! You look so refreshed!” That was the most amazing compliment to a girl battling acute insomnia. Hellz yeah I’ll take it.
5. Smell-mories. Ever get a whiff of something and it sets off a memory? Isn’t that amazing? And you can’t even be mad that you’re thinking of that person, or that situation because the smell is just so comforting…
6. You make snoring cute. There’s nothing quite like a sleeping baby, especially one as cute as my niece, Gailey-bird.
7. I’m sorry! But it's 20 points. Rox and Penny say I’m stuck with them and I can only hope they mean it. Our Uno! night was lovely, even if Rox does hate us for giggling at her situation. (Don’t hate us Rox. We love you. Promise! We just can’t help the giggles.) Pizza, Reese’s, hockey, Cheetos, and of course Uno! which I won with the most amazing come-back this side of Gville. Plus, relationship trees and vogue-ing trees and “I’m too brown for trees.” I love my girls.

&lor

(Another list I know. There were more than 7 things but, I think it's a thing now, so I labbeled it, tagged it and inserted it in the "Life of the Party.")

(Also, I have more to say about relationship trees, life-to-do lists and my fugly handwriting. Stick around kiddies.)

(Also, also, we quintupled our numbers! AKA we went from 1 to 5 followers. Welcome to the Party. Don't be shy...)

Roxanne Says: Squirt Some Stink, Skunk.

This blog was started on Thursday morning and is being finished on Sunday. I really need to tell the Teets to fuck off so that I can concentrate on blogging full time. Or at least more. Because full time would basically make this a Twitter. "HAI GUYZ I'M EATING cOrNfLaKeS NOM NOM!!111!"

No one wants that.

To recap the last few days...Wednesday night, I went out with Stimpy. She and I engaged in hookahtastic and drunklicious shenanz until approximately 4am. On the way back to the car, we ran into friends - Rocky and Chicago - who parked by us and wanted to follow us back to my house. Sure, Rox says! I have nothing else to do. We chatted about life post-Horsey High until 6am when I was attacked my sleepies and felt the need to go to bed.

I slept from 6 til noon, woke up and watched Lifetime movies while I nursed the same cup of coffee for 8 hours. The entire day was a bust. I went to sleep at 2am after talking to RiSK for a better part of the night and then awoke at 6am for work. The plan was to awake at 6, get ready and be out by 7 to make it to work before 8. At approximately 6:45, after BBM-ing RiSK for 45 minutes with him telling me to get the fuck out of bed, I finally got the fuck out of bed. I'm not sure how it happened, but I instantly still felt drunk from Wednesday night. Twenty four hours later and I still feel buzzy? Come on, body. Get it together.

Thursday, I spent the day with my favoritest co-worker ever, Queen...previously referred to as my gay boyfriend. He's the one who lent me the camera, by the by. So, he and I went to this work event where we had to schmooze. We took the long way there from work where he was pointing out good restaurants along the way. I have this obsession with the idea of only eating at little hole in the wall restaurants but don't know where to start in finding good ones. Chili's and Friday's are only so fun before you're Guiltless Chicken Platter'd out. So, he was pointing out good diners and little Irish pubs in the area, which I now have a compiled list of - w00t!

We stopped at Dunkin' Donuts, which is easily my favorite part of doing these work events - feeling like I have my own agenda. "Oh yeah, I'll be at the Convention Center around 9...but I'm so important that I'll need an economy sized coffee to keep me energized all day long because *I AM* the face of the Teets." The face of the Teets? Does that make my eyes the nipples?

Once we got there, we got lost inside the Convention Center, because we're both too fabulous to read the directions on where to go. Queen is so amazingly nonchalant and spazztic about life at the same time - he's absolutely fabulous. We were with another co-worker but he was MIA through all of our pre-event shenanz. We all met up, did the damn thing, made fun of poorly dressed teachers and girls with Raven Symone eyebrows, and enjoyed the day.

More days should be like Thursday.

Friday sucked ass because I worked and then Saturday was akin to sweaty cheese balls. I worked a 12 hour day yesterday - what is this, a Martha Stewart sweat shop? Get the fuck out of here, corporate schedule.

So, here we are...Sunday! As usual, I'm off today...thank god. Sundays are so boring at the Teets that thoughts of arson and creative suicide run rampant at strict 4 minute intervals. I'm enjoying some coffee and blogging, waiting for Penny for our 1pm lunch date. Lor, Pen and I also have an Uno tourn tonight at my crib, which shall be hawsome.

I've been maniacally working on my iTunes library which has brought up some great old tunes and also some really good new ones. I want to do a music nom but I have an idea that might work a little bit better...I need to consult the boss on it, though.

I'm gonna go soak up some rays before my afternoon streak of chaos. Ex's and oh's, blogosphere.

&rox

Lorraine Says: In Your Pants is Awesome Bacon

At any given moment, I have so much ish going on in my head that it might as well be a sewer.

Did I just compare myself to a giant toilet bowl? Yep. Yep, I think I did. Oh well.




Anyways, the problem seems to be that my brain is always moving too fast. It’s why I can’t be creative on paper anymore. My fingers can’t keep up. It’s why my texts generally make me look like I’m uneducated and I end up typing things like “peepsqa.” It’s why half the time I trip over my own words and just end up ending every other sentence with “whatever, I can’t talk today.” Ask Penny and Rox. They’ll vouch for all of the above.

It’s why I love lists. I need some sort of structure, so that I slow myself down, and give myself an order to follow. This blog entry started two days ago, and since then I’ve been deleting, adding, rambling, and generally driving myself nuts with all the random tidbits I’ve wanted to share. My brain is running, my expressiveness is lagging and my blogging is suffering.

This morning, as I made my sandwich (which, btdubs, have you ever thought about how creepy yellow mustard is...) and planned out my day I thought of a great way to piece together all the random ish I want to say. Not because it makes any sense, not because it’s a particularly great idea, but just so I can feel better about myself, DAMN IT. Ahem.

Lorraine’s Friday Acrostic of Arbitrary Annotations and Anecdotes

(That’s an awesome title.)

Fainting – Okay, so I started working on this entry this morning when I got to work and just before I took a lunch about 45 minutes ago, I had finally managed to finish it in between all that pesky “work” they’ve been giving me at work. I decided to hold back and not publish so I could read over it one more time and make sure I cud spel gud. At lunch, as I was driving away from Embarrassing Fast Food Joint, I saw a Random Man standing at a curb, sort of behind his car but I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove past him. As I pull up to the stop sign, I look in my rearview and notice that Random Man is standing over the body of a lady, who’s passed out on the floor. Fainted Lady is not moving at all and Random Man is just looking at her and the cars passing by. I freak out.

Now, I can’t drive in reverse to save my life, or someone else’s apparently, but I want to do what any self-respecting American would do, and I wanna go see if there’s blood or something. Oh, and check if she’s alright. So I make the most illegal u-turn type motion ever. I think I maimed three small creatures on my way to save Fainted Lady. In my attempt to get back to where I was, I lost sight of the pair for a second and by the time I pulled back up to them, Random Man was helping Fainted Lady up to her shakey feet. I rolled down my window and ask, “Is she alright?” Random Man is really Random Man With An Accent and he says, “…”

Nevermind, I have no clue what the heck he said.
So I say, “Huh?”
(Un)Faineted Lady shouts as she’s climbing into her Random Man’s car, “Is okay! I fainted!”

Well, no kidding lady, but are YOU OKAY? And since you were fainted and all, I think it my duty to inform you that while you were being fainted, or whatever, your Random Man was bird-watching! He wasn’t even like fanning you. Or cradling your head which was totally on concrete. That couldn't have felt good on the way down. Of course all I said was, “Oh. Okay.” And I kept driving. That was weird, ya’ll. Just thought I’d share…

Recovery – A strange thing happened yesterday. ExMarine and I were BBM’ingand he asked for the story on Magpie. After a few warnings, I unleashed that gigantic wah-fest on him. It was a little therapeutic summarizing it. A little while later, ExMarine responds and says, “I hate to change the subject but…” and he proceeds to share his relationship story. EEP. It really put things in perspective.

Insomnia – Rox disappears mid BBM for random naps with her cat and falls asleep in bathtubs. Penny is a champion sleeper, who recently recovered from a trip to the emergency room with a 24 hour marathon of sleep. Me? I can’t even effin’ nap. Seriously. I cannot nap. I don’t know how to. I don’t understand the logistics of it. You want me to fall asleep? Right now? Just go? But it isn’t even night time! If I’m napping I’m either terribly sick or it’s 1986. (It’s never 1986, btdubs.)

Sleep has always been my body’s way of telling me something is wrong. Last summer when I was unemployed and unoccupied, I would stay awake until 2am and then sleep until 5am and that was all I could hope for. My body was saying: I’m unhappy.

A few months ago, all I wanted to do was sleep. I would get 9,10, 11 hours of sleep and still wake up tired as hell. I’d be out with the girls and just waiting for bedtime. My body was saying: uh… you’re pregnant? Hahaha. No, but seriously everyone was asking if I was pregnant, which NO. NOT POSSIBLE. Then Rox suggested an iron deficiency and I grabbed onto that diagnosis like no one’s business.

Lately? I’ll fall asleep and have uninterrupted slumber until just before 4am. Then I do an awake-half awake cycle until 10 minutes before it’s time to get up, and then I’m pissed cause I’d only just fallen asleep and it’s time to wake up. Someone interpret what my body is saying. After 23 years, I still don’t speak Lorraine’s Sleeping Patterns Are Screwy. Sigh.

Daring – I don’t know what’s come over Rox and me but since the inception of this blog, we’ve been pretty mum about it to people who actually know us. This past week, though, we got a little brave and a little share happy. It was sort of amazing to hear feedback that didn’t include, “what are you girls? Retarded?” So thanks everyone, for uh, not thinking we’re crazy. Mostly. And I’d like to give a 1999 style shout out to everyone at the Teets. Eff the Teets but you guys are pretty cool. Dr. Brian, GST. Holla.

Awesome Bacon – I often say that Rox completes me but Penny? Penny generally IS me. Seriously. It’s amazing. Rox goes out with Stimpy and mingles with people from high school and Penny and I stroll around like a couple of old ladies, and we laugh and laugh about it. And then go to sleep early. It’s a sweet deal. Plus, she keeps me entertained while I’m at my Cubicle. And in case you ever hear me (or read me…?) using the phrase awesome bacon, here’s what it means and where it comes from:

Me: Oh wow, Penny that’s hamazing..!
Pen: Uh, what exactly is hamazing? Is that like really amazing ham?
Me: Giggle.

Later.

Pen: By the way, the blog is the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow, really amazing ham and… really awesome bacon?
Me: Giggle attack.

Even more later.

Me: Pen, you need to comment on our blog!
Pen: Ugh, no! You guy guys intimidate me with your big words. All I have are “your mom” and “in your pants” jokes.
Me: Giggle seizure.

The latest of all the laters.
Pen: In your pants is awesome bacon.
Me: Giggle death.

Yams. Yesterdays. Years. Yeats. – this seemed like a great idea until Y. Ugh Y. Whatever. I got nothing else. I've got no more chocolate and I’m stuck in a cubicle. I have had the song "Yet" by Switchfoot stuck in my head all day long. So there is that. Meh.

And on that note, Happy Friday!

I’ve not much set in stone this weekend but there might be: dessert, sunrise at the beach, maintenance of the Lorraine, purchasing of contacts, (hopefully) recovering of check card, iglesia, beef and bestie time and UNO!

Let’s get to it than, shall we?

What?

Two more hours of work?

Balls.

&lor

Roxanne Says: Si Se Puede Cambiar.

[Google has led me to believe that "Si Se Puede Cambiar" means "Yes, We Can Change." If this is not accurate and I am in fact saying anything relating to having sex with any type of animal, please forgive me. Google did it.]

I reallly want to title this blog "Fuck the Teets", but I'll save that for the day that I get officially shitcanned. I'll post pictures of Lor and I burning miscellaneous Teets paraphernalia. We'll drink Arbor Mist and do a dance of prosperity for the future. This day will be UHMAYZING.

Today is simply about not buying what I'm being sold, which is amazing considering the fact that I'm a sales rep. Irony? How yooooou doin'.

My manager had a heart to heart with me today - and believe me when I say that I get so many heart to hearts, they outta just try a transplant. He was just to tell me that I should get into the side of our business that does vendor events, since I seem to excel at those. Basically, we print out a bunch of shit, set up a table, and go schmooze for a few hours. I talk about our services, people ask me dumb shit questions, I make sure they're getting their miniscule discount - everyone wins! I like it because I get to pimp without the pressure of selling anything right then and there.

Maybe I should just be a pimp....hmmmmmmmm...

Anyway, he started babbling about the light at the end of the tunnel and whatnot, which is amazing to me based on what a shitty seller I am.

I'm honest with people - it's what I do. If there's a cheaper way for them to get what they need or want, I'll probably tell them, whether it benefits me or not. I am a martyr in that aspect. I know that these people really don't care for me, but in this economic period, I think everyone deserves the best deal possible. That may or may not be with the Teets. But people LOVE me for the customer service I provide. They like the honesty, they appreciate the true relation, and I'm super sweet to them. People like me, Teets doesn't. Truer words have never been spoken.

I anticipate getting fired next month. The writing is on the wall. I'm totally prepared and only slightly stressed about it. I've decided that with my tax return money, I can supplement whatever discrepancy there is between unemployment and my monthly expenses. During that time, I'm looking to do things that will grow me creatively.

My friend at work, GST, just opened his own recording studio with some fellow musician buddies. He's always asking me if I want to come be his assistant, free of charge. I <3 GST, he's an awesome guy and we're ridiculously goofy together...and he's SO talented! Why wouldn't I want to work around one of my really talented friends? Plus, it just sounds like fun - cool, creative people to be around. Hopefully a good catalyst for whatever creativity is lurking inside of me. I think I'll do some of that for a little while and attempt to find a more stable job that lets me be more creative. Plus, I have this psycho pipedream of working at a flower shop. I'll probably do some of that, too.

Anyway, the "si se puede cambiar" is for the hope for change for the future. I don't really want to be constricted into corporate platforms anymore. Lor has a 9-5 that allows for a little bit of creative wiggle room - I'll take something like that! I'd prefer something creatively driven, but I recognize that I don't have much creative collateral at this point. "Here Mr. Creative Employer, hire me! I have a blog that I rarely update? Yes sir, I know what "fuck your life" means. Yeah, thanks."

I guess we'll just see what the future brings. I need to buckle down on my lifestyle and align some priorities in preparation for a lifestyle change. W00t w00t for fucking up your life!

&rox

Lorraine Says: The Interwebs Ate My Homework

It’s true! I swear it.

Well, except it wasn’t my homework. It was a sad, sober post I furiously typed on my Blackberry while I was supposed to be doing important stuff in my Organic lab. It was all about Magpie and some passive-aggressive exchanges and how I’ve never really let myself feel hurt about the whole thing and how I could probably DIE and this would show up on his Facebook:

Magpie is drinking and smoking. lol.

BLECH. Anyways, the Interweb got one whiff of that blog and zapped it before nary a soul could lay eyes on it. Uh, thanks, I think. I hope the Missing Blog has fun travelling the vast reaches of the World Wide Web.

As for me? I feel like Chattery Teeth.


Oh, c’mon, you know the ones! The teeth that you wind up and they walk away from you? I have no idea WHY they walk away, I have no clue who the eff comes up with walking teeth as a form of childhood entertainment, but the point is, that I feel like a wind-up toy.

Any moment now, something great is going to happen. Any second now…

*wind, wind, wind*

Just waiting for it now…

*wind, wind, wind*

And so on.

Blame it on the 4 chocolate chip cookies that have been my total caloric intake for the day or blame it on sprucing up the old blog but I’m feeling a little giddy. In reality, there’s nothing to feel giddy about. I’ve been living fueled entirely by the hope that really great things will happen in the future. Everything that could be exciting about life is slated to happen eventually: I will eventually feel better, I will eventually take a vacation, money will eventually be easier and I’ll eventually be satisfied creatively. And, I mean, I applaud my optimism, but one can only take so many eventually’s before you look around and ask WTF TODAY has going on. Today must have SOMETHING planned, no? Anything? Anything at all?
In the meanwhile, I will do what I do best and leave you with a list of:

Seven Things That Prove That Lorraine and Her Life Are SpECiaL:

1. I used toggle case in the making of this list.
2. Have I mentioned how fiercely I love nail polish lately? Mind you, I never have the energy or will to keep painting my nails over and over, but I do spend tons of money on nail polish! Worse part of it all is that whenever I polish shop, I feel the need to try on everything I think is pretty. I only have 10 nails, 5 of which I can functionally paint, but that doesn’t stop me. And then I walk out of the store lamenting my silly-looking hands. And then, I don’t actually take it off for another week or so, because I would forget my own head if it weren’t attached. I’m currently sporting, Icky Matte Blue and Might As Well Be White Out.
3. The other night Rox BBM’ed RiSK after I commented that he’d be AMAZING to have over for Uno! She asked, “Hey have you ever played Uno!” He responds, “Sure… before I could legally drink.” STFU RiSK. Between our frequent visits to Barnes and Noble, IHOP and the mall and planning a grand Uno Tourney, Rox and I have become a couple of girls gone wild.
4. I’ve been BBM’ing one of my lab partners, ExMerine, and he’s generally Magpie 2.0. Seriously, he’s a really nice guy, but I could literally quote identical dialogue from Magpie and him. Thanks for the reminder, Life. You’re a doll.

5. I have a staple pile. I love my staple pile. I deal with a lot of paper work at work, which includes removing staples. I just got tired of contantly reaching over to throw them away one day and left a little pile on my desk. And I kept it! And I’ve added to it! And now it is my staple mountain. I love it.
6. I lost my check card. Again. Last time was in December, I believe, so that means that I couldn’t even hold onto that thing for two whole months. Penny threatened to staple it to my forehead. I don’t think that’ll work PENNY. Oh also, I threw my phone away in the garbage the other day. I had to call Daddy to fish it out.
7. I seriously think I have some nutritional imbalance. All I want is chocolate…! And water. I ate 7 chocolate chip cookies yesterday in the span of an hour and didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that’s not a balanced diet.

There you have it. The excitement of my life until Eventually shows up. Hopefully it didn’t take that wrong turn at Never Gonna Happen.

&lor

Roxanne Says: RiSK, Life & Battleship.

“Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

-_-

I'm SERIOUS, interwebs! I mean it. I'm not fucking around anymore. I'm getting what I want and THAT IS THAT!

I'm on the verge of spontaneous combustion! It feels great - maybe even a tinge of uhmayzing - but I'm done wallowing in my own excitedness. I want to be great and share it with the world. I want to be the BEST THING that ever happened to someone. I want to heal someone - not fix them, but HEAL them. I want to be proud of myself! I want to see the beauty of the world. I want to live up to my potential.

What Rox Wants (in a more organized view)

1. Creative fulfillment. I'm actually thinking of a great new idea for a book/story, based off of a situation I'm going through right now with RiSK. It's interesting and I believe that with some dramatization, it could be a bit compelling. But other than that, I need more commitment to the following goals:

• Guitar - first step is tuning the motherfucker.
• Photography - I have an AMAZING SLR camera
  here and all I can do is piss that time away. In addition
  to that, it was given to me by a dear friend that believes
  in my creative ability. I'm basically telling him to fuck off
  with every day that I don't use the damn thing! I'm an ass.
• Writing - I'm pretty good at this but I don't have NEARLY
  the drive and dedication that Lor does. Why? Because I am
  a poor self manager and have no checks and balances system.
  I don't think I'd die if I held myself a little more accountable.
• Music - my friend at work, GST, has a weird confidence in my
  musical opinions, but shares my questionability about where I
  would fit into the music scene. He asks me for opinions on tracks
  and new artists that he has and I love analyzing and giving my
  opinion on such matters. I love music but don't think I'm very
  musically inclined myself. If I could do anything in life, I'm 100%
  certain that it would involve music, but I'm sure I've said that
  before.

2. LYVE. I talk all the time about not wanting a boy, and I really don't. I REALLY don't. Although I've made a lot of progress with myself from the person that I used to be, I still don't feel confident in myself enough to say that I have something to offer someone else. I'm working on it, I really am. I'm learning new things and reseting old opinions - it's like I clicked "undo" on a lot of my mental conceptions up until this point. But just because I'm healing doesn't mean that I'm whole.

I'm not giving up on love, though. It has a place for me out there somewhere. I can't believe that the words ever left my lips, but Lor was right about what I said the other day - how I had a fleeting moment of "hmmm, maybe I'm getting old?" I'm not really and I recognize this. I'm not in a hurry to find a babydad and settle down - not in the slightest. But I want a lot of the emotional satisfaction that I envision comes along with a situation like that. I want a partner that I can love and trust and have comfort in...I want a house that can be a material representation of a bond that is shared. Having a partner doesn't mean that the love and trust is there, and having a house doesn't mean you have a sound union, so I'm not just looking for the surface satisfaction...I want the whole package.

Like I said before, I want to heal someone like I'm trying to heal myself. I want to show someone that life can be beautiful and full of possibilities again. I want to show someone that it's never too late to get what you want or change how you feel. I want to teach someone that not everything is bad. I want to be the high point of someone's day.

These are just ramblings from my romantical side talking. I can surpress her most of the time, but she rears her ugly head every once in a while. I'm still concentrated on myself and what I need to get done, but as long as I can see love as the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe the journey won't be so hapless.

3. Physical and Mental Cohesion. This basically just means that I'm seriously going to get my body together. Work out, not eat shit, drink less soda (I'M DRINKING SODA AGAIN, omg!!11). This is all a bit flawed in the aspect of my schedule, but I've decided that I need to make the gym a priority if I ever want to be serious about it. I need to become one of those disciplined, hardcore, 6 day a week, 6am gymmers. I can do that, right? It sounds difficult but it's only hard at first, right? ...Right?!

I'm waiting for Penny and Lor to come over so that we can go financially molest Target in the most violent way possible. Nail polish, cereal, and clothes are among the agenda. NOM, Target - you sexy thang you! I should use this time to give a brief run down of RiSK...I really should, right?

Sigh.

RiSK is an old friend from my "previous life". He and I used to be really good friends at one point, but due to his intricate involvement in another aspect of my previous life, our friendship was never really destined to last.

RiSK used to have anger management issues and a lack of zest for life. Now, RiSK is a fun loving spirit with an awesome sense of humor and great outlook on balancing life. He and I have some of the best conversation I've had in a long time.

He and I are currently engaging in a relation[space]ship of "like minded people" (as Lor and I call it). There are no games, no lies, no deceit and no need for any of that with RiSK. He's honest with me as I am with him, about all aspects of our lives. Based on our past experiences, I think having the honesty aspect there is amazingly comforting to both of us.

RiSK, although having the ironic nickname, is a safe bet for me. He'll never fall in love with me and I'll never have to worry about emotions complicating this for him, simply because I know that he can never trust me. Although he's a hopeless romantic (he tries to personify Omarion's "Ice Box" but I can see through it), he'll never trust ME because of what he's seen me do. Apparently I caused more damage with his friend than I care to realize (or possibly even could full realize) because he really paints my former self out to be a fuckface. Although he can rationally acknowledge that I'm a radically different person now than I was previously, he'll still never let his guard down enough to REALLY believe that I'm different.

...*sigh*

I'm gonna go get changed and head to Target. I want to Music Nom later...oh yes I do!

&rox

Lorraine Says: Slip On It Life

I've been doing a lot of blog hopping lately - skipping around at work using the "next blog" button up in the nav bar. I've come across a handful of things that I very much enjoy (see: blogs I follow.) Mostly though, and this isn't knocking anyone, but mostly? Gosh, it's just a lot of repetition, isn't it? Well, because you didn't ask for it, I bring you:

A Blog-venture: A List of the Top Types of Blogs I Encountered (And Immediately Skipped) (Yes, Another List) (SHUT IT.)

1. November 20, 2009 - I'm so sorry I haven't been updating this thing, but life has been so busy and amazing lately! So many things have happened! If only I had a place to write about them all and share them over something, like say, I don't know, the interweb. But more later! I will update soon!!!1 Promise.
   Lorraine's Note: If you own a blog that's last entry was sometime in '09 and/or apologized for not updating enough, but you still haven't updated, please do everyone a favor and delete. It'll free up the URL name... though, I'm not entirely convinced it would be all that desirable or creative anyways. Everyone repeat after me: A promise to blog is not a blog.
   
2. My kids are cuter than yours! I'm married to a great guy! Oh look, my kid picked his nose it was amazing. Scroll down for pictures to prove it. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow. Oh, look my kid burped! That was his first unassisted burp, ya'll! He must be a genius.
   Lorraine's Note: I think I once said on this blog that your life ends when you have a kid. Thanks one million 800 thirty two and 5 blogs about "The Smith family" and "the Johnson family" and "+ Baby makes 3" for trying to prove me wrong. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to keep loved ones updated on your booger-picking kid. Just know that I will exercise my ability to "next blog" you in an second.
   
3. Je ne pau lo vou enletten sou la dee wah wee, joux leng haut vou soy.
   Lorraine's Note: Huh? EXACTLY. Only speakey English. (PS, I totally made that language up. Pretty talented eh?)
   
4. Unique Twisted Ramblings from a Tortured Voice and Nerd - Today I saw a banana peel on the ground. Slip on it Life. Slip and fall and everyone, all of human kind will come together and point and laugh.
   Lorraine's Note: If you've used the word "unique" to describe yourself, chances are that you aren't. If you're convinced no one cares about your "ramblings" chances are they don't. If you're convinced your view on life and take on the world is groundbreaking, I'll be the bubble buster and say, nope, it isn't.
   
5. Someone left me a really horrible comment that had, like, an opinion. That didn't match mine! I'm so upset. Do you people think I write this for you?? I don't care what anyone thinks. I write this for myself.
   Lorraine's Note: You write a grocery list for yourself. You write with a pen in a pink glittery journal for yourself. If you are publishing, again, via interweb, you want people to effin' read it. It's for me, alright. So you'd better care what I think.
   
6. I really promised myself that I would try and make one drawing per day. Also, I knit a sweater, made stamps, beaded jewelery, crafted my own wedding invitation and baked a three layer cake.
   Lorraine's Note: Whatever. So I'm jealous that apparently everyone in the world is an artist and knows what stamping is? SO?
   
7. omg so 2day i went 2 ashley house and robert wuz der and it was cool. 2morrow will b pajama day @ skool. Rawk on.
   Lorraine's Note: (Please hold while Lorraine recovers from having shot herself in the foot.)

There you have it. The top 7 types of blogs I skipped over. The sad part? I'm sure each and every one of them had more readers than I could ever dream of. On that positive note, I'll prepare for bed. Sure, it's only 9:00pm but Old Lady Lorraine is out and in full "get off my lawn" mode. I'm not particularly happy about it at this moment, but that old geezer is strong and she's slowly taking over. I've decided, though, that I'll let her have tonight, but the weekend? The weekend is mine, less I lose my sanity.
Life updates in short sentences: Things are weird. I'm learning french! No mas chocolate. Okay, fine, I'm going to eat mas chocolate. I studied today even though I didn't "have" to! Things are WEIRD.
Bye!
&lor

Roxanne Says: Un-Breaking The Habit

I feel like I should re-introduce myself to the blogosphere. I told Lor and Penny about an encounter I had with a guy from high school, who I saw while I was out with Stimpy the other night. Everytime I've ever seen this guy at a party or something, he always introduces himself to me. We've now met somewhere between 6 and 8 times, three of which have been in the past 4 months. I never said anything about it - after all, if I'm that forgettable, what case do I really have to contend for? - I always just let it slide. The other night, though, I was brazen enough to call him on it. It became a running joke for the rest of the night. I wonder if I've done enough to make myself memorable for the next time...

What does it really take to leave your mark on things?

I broke up with Brown Bag. This should come as no shock to the blogosphere, as Roxanne can only handle creative cockblocking for so long before it comes to a boiling point. I just used boiling and cock in the same sentence - ouch. As Penny quoted Chelsea Handler - "Channing burned his Tatum!"

I'm relatively removed from the situation. I rationally accept that he and I didn't have much in common and I was quite irritated by his aloof and shallow ways. From an emotional aspect, Brown Bag was about as gratifying as attempting a bath in a bucket of water. Needless to say, ties were cut.

We ran into him last night at the bar we went to. I knew he'd be there - in true desperate, mid-twenties fashion, he patrols this place on a bi-weekly basis, fearing that any level of neglect will negate his relevance on the "scene". We initiated conversation to prematurely cut awkwardness - initiative fail. It was weird. On a scale of 1-to-weird, it was like walking in on your Dad fresh out of the shower. Oh, my eyes, they're burninggggg, make it stop. I felt a small pang of jealousy when he flirted with girls who had barely developed breasts, but later decided that I only felt that way because I thought I should. He is not a catch - he is the boot of the sea.

As I explained to Lor during our trip to Barnes & Noble (henceforth to be referred to as "Heaven"), I feel like I'm hollow - lacking a core. I'm a Cadbury Egg without the creamy center. Like most food, I may be appealing on the outside but will leave you feeling hauntingly unfulfilled. At least, I leave myself feeling hauntingly unfulfilled. Always hungry.

I'm searching for inspiration and spiritual awakening in my freshly realized state. I want someone, something, anything to make me feel so deep and so true that it breaks the chains that have kept me locked up for so long. I want to see things and have beliefs and opinions that are more than just something smart that I heard once. I want to feel accomplished and valuable and proud of the tangible and non-tangible in my life. I will do it.

I bought an amazing book today that I'm only 50 pages into but love as if it could have come from my own fingertips. "Blue Like Jazz" is a book about a man's journey through figuring out his spirituality and God. It's an honest look with a fresh perspective, written in such an erratic state that his emotional and mental roller coaster mimics rides that I myself have ridden. Where I'm usually one to rush through books for gratification, I willingly stopped this one in an attempt to savor it. I look forward to what I will get from this experience.

Quotes I feel are worthy of sharing:

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."

"My carnal thinking had made a mess of my head, and I felt as though I were standing in the doorway of my mind, wondering where to begin, how to organize my thoughts so they weren't so out of control."

"I could walk around inside religion and never, on any sort of emotional level, understand that God was a person, an actual Being with thoughts and feelings and that sort of thing. To me, God was more of an idea. It was something like a slot machine, a set of spinning images that doled out rewards based on behavior and, perhaps, chance."

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wating time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging in God. I was into habit. I grew up going to church, so I got used to hearing about God. He was like Uncle Harry or Aunt Sally except we didn't have pictures."

"I felt that the least He could have done was come down and introduce Himself and explain these feelings of conviction in person. If you don't love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them you get pleasure from their pleasure, and it makes it easy to serve. I didn't love God because I didn't know God."

"Sometimes I think, you know, if there were not cops, I would be fine, and I probably would. I was taught right from wrong when I was a kid. But the truth is, I drive completely different when there is a cop behind me than when there isn't."

"It is hard for us to admit we have a sin nature because we live in this system of checks and balances. If we get caught, we will be punished. But that doesn't make us good people; it only makes us subdued. Just think about the Congress and Senate and even the President. The genius of the American system is not freedom; the genius of the American system is checks and balances. Nobody gets all the power. Everybody is watching everybody else. It is as if the founding fathers knew, intrinsically, that the soul of man, unwatched, is perverse."

&rox

Lorraine Says: You Coy Beast

Not having any fun is even less fun when other people are having fun.

Roxanne is flitting around the universe, stay-cationing, making new friends and painting her living room. I'm stuck at work stranded beneath a pile of paperwork and staples. Even Penny has had the last two days off. The world is grim at the thought of your two best friends free like birds, especially when the most pressing thing on your agenda is to study for a 3-chapter Organic Chemistry test.

I feel restless! I feel like I've been sitting in the car driving and driving. I keep asking, "Are we there yet," but no one is answering me! Are we there yet, LIFE? Think we can get there any time soon?

And fine, work and school are necessary evils. I've generally felt very accomplished with myself, for being responsible as of late; doing the right thing even if it isn't the fun thing.

Boooo. :(

That feeling of accomplishment is dulling, especially when it comes to this blog. I've been jumping around the blogosphere lately, commenting as I go along, and laughing at the utterly ridiculous and (less frequently) the utterly entertaining. On Tuesday I came across this lovely piece:

Blog-Ignoramus: it's random tuesday!

Comments! Wouldn't it be lovely to log into my blog and find comments!? Don't worry; this isn't a desperate cry for comments. (But if you want to...)

It's just a small realization I've come to: I don't blog for the sake of expressing my feelings. Gross! If I want to express my feelings for my own sake, I'd keep a Word file. And if paper and pencils were still relevant, I might keep a journal!

Late to the Party was born as this sort of foundation to a brand Rox and I dreamed of, based on nothing but pure awesomeness. And goshdarnit, I'll say it again: I'm proud of myself for keeping up with it, for being consistent, and for not having my creative well dry up after day two. Yay me!

But.

I want some validation. I want my thoughts and creativity to have produced something other than the occasional typo on a screen. I want new inspiration. I want fresh and exciting. I WANT A COMMENT, DANG IT.

Ahem.

I've decided that my second option is to take up knitting, so then at least at the end of the hard work, I have a blanket to keep me warm. Tangible evidence. Validation.

On a small life update note, I need new prospects, in every area of my life. Adventure never finds me when I am in the mood for it. Eff you adventure, you coy beast.

Is this the part of the blog where I engage the reader in hopes of recruiting a comment? Okay, here goes:

What do you find is a coy beast in your life?
Do you know any boys?
How badly do you want comments?

Teehee. :)

&lor

I'm over it
Yeah it's behind me now
I'm just over it
Over it
Yeah I'm finding out
I'm just over it
No I don't know what's over just yet
But I won't go slow and time can let the mind forget
Don't tell me you don't know
Already
(Don't tell me you let go
Already)

Lorraine Says: My Life Is Slast

I walked into my cubicle this morning to find stacks of sales reports to be folded: in half and then one side in half again to form a little flap.

And as interesting as that is in and of itself (not), the point is that the presence of my faux-ragami project meant one thing and one thing only: a new month.

It’s effin’ February! As in, the second month of the year. As in, January is gone, and faster than you can say “New Years Resolution,” 2010 is rolling by.

I had a lot of time to think about this as I folded my papers and chomped on my bagel chips and I’ve discovered a certain, strange duality present in the last 6 or so months of my life: time is flying by, and yet it seems like ages.

Every week is basically a lifetime. Rox and I often sit around and wish things could be “like the old days,” aka October/November 2009. It doesn’t seem fitting that that was only 2 or so months ago, but at the same time, we’re speeding further and further away from it.

In the last week alone, Magpie was gone, I worked out my ish with church, I spent time with all of the significant people in my life, I saw two movies, ate 30 chocolate chip cookies of varying sizes, lost 3 pounds, cried, laughed, and am generally eons away from where I was last Monday at the same time.

Maybe this past week wasn’t normal. Maybe our back to back trips to Gville in October and November weren’t normal.
All those not normals together, however, must mean that my life is moving at some abnormal, against the laws of physics pace of slow AND fast. My life is slast?

I’m calling January a practice month. I was testing the waters of 2010. I didn’t have any outright resolutions for the year, which is good, because I can’t think of one thing I accomplished in January. Well, I mean…

Lessons Learned in January:

• The sign may say the playground is for 2-5 year olds, but the people who made the sign obviously don't know what they are talking about.
• Saying you're gonna spend $150 at the mall is great, because we love budgets! However, spending your last $150 is probably not the best idea.
• You don't have to like everyone and you certainly don't have to love everyone.
• You probably shouldn't be enjoying a gigantic Icee when your best friend is having an emo meltdown.
• Oh, the gym. Such a great theory.
• Lorraine shouldn't cut her hair this short or else she looks like Tootie from "The Facts of Life."
• Lorraine should stop attempting to take classes that require her presence.
• If you're suddenly always tired, no matter how much you sleep, everyone will think you are pregnant.

Ish We Said In January

• "Alright guys. I guess I'm dipping and blogging."
  "That sounds like a German candy bar."
• "My iPhone thinks you guys are granola."
• "I can't communicate with my glasses on. I feel like there's a barrier."
• "Did the tool with the emo bang just tell us to read more?"
• "I wanna wear sexy lingerie and smell like a chocolate bar!"
• "You are the curator of packaged meat."

And finally, my month of January Music Nom. Truth be told, I found this a week or so ago, but have played the living jeebs out of it in the past few days. Ambulance by Eisley.

I need an ambulance.
I took the worst of the blow.
Send me a redeemer.
Let me know if I’m gonna be alright.
Am I gonna be alright?
'Cause I know how it usually goes
I know how it usually goes.

I built a monumentfor the love we used to know
But that is far removed
And you say
That I'm gonna be okay
And yeah, I'm gonna be okay
But it doesn't seem that way
No love, not today

Here's to the new month! Call my positivity naive, but I can't help but be. I could use a fresh beginning...

How was your January? Anyone out there actually keep any resolutions?

&lor