Lorraine Says: Better Than Nazis

Have you ever woken up with a song just stuck in your head ? This morning I woke up, the entire rest of the house was still sleeping, and the only sound I’d heard was my own toothbrush. And yet, as I washed my face and eyed my wildly out of control powder puff hair, I sang, “When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I just simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.”

I can’t tell you when I last saw "The Sound of Music."

I have no deep philosophical explanations, nor am I very inclined to harp on any sad feelings, my hypothetical dog bites and bee stings, but having this song replaying in my head did make me think of how much I used to watch this movie when I was little. My sisters and I had a bad habit of only ever watching the living-jeebus out of a handful of movies. We’d keep videos weeks on end and just re-check them out, rewind and repeat. So, in an attempt to lighten the mood around our party as of late, I bring you:

The Five Movies I Rewound the Heck Out Of

• The Princess Bride (1991) – My all time favorite movie to this day. We quoted this movie constantly. In fact, I can remember chasing my little sister around the house screaming, “You killed my father, prepare to diiiiiie!” Ah, the innocence of childhood.
  
  Favorite moment: Oh, to pick one! I’ll have to settle and say when Wesley is tumbling down the hill saying, “As you wish,” and the princess instantly recognizes him. My sisters and I called BS and we were little kids.
  
• The Sound of Music (1965) – Needless to say, we knew all of the songs. Now, every time I think of this movie I think of the movie “Away We Go” and how the parents stopped the movie after the vonTrapps go to sleep at the party, so as not to expose their kids to Nazis. Because really? Looking back? I would always freak out in the final seconds of the movie as the family is shown like climbing mountains. How will they eat? That’s a lot of walking! Is Maria gonna carry the little one the ENTIRE time? Of course, all of that is way better than Nazis, but what the heck did I know?
  
  Favorite Moment: The kids “learning” how to sing during Do-Re-Mi. I’ve sang that song a million times, but I’m not entirely sure it’s worked out as well for me as it did for them.
  
• Wild Hearts Can’t be Broken (1991) – My older sister tells me we had a thing for horse movies, but this is the only one I remember watching. Oh, the romanticism of running away to become a diving girl! I mean, sure, she dives into water with her eyes open and becomes permanently blind, but, uh, DIVING GIRL. And cute boyfriend who looked about 10 years too old for her to boot. Sign me up.
  
  Favorite moment – Sonora is outfitting her boy toy with his now deceased dad’s fringed jacket, and she cons him into a hug? Look, I haven’t seen this movie in years and I’m not exactly doing extensive research into plot accuracy, but that sort of seems right. We used to always “trick” each other into hugs this way. “Vyelit, Vyelit..! Lift your arms up! Higher… higher… HIGHER!” *hug*
  
• The Wiz Kid (1989) – Okay, so I take back my previous statement for one second to say I actually researched this one a little (i.e. Google and IMDB). No one ever knows this movie! Ever! Well, that’s because apparently it’s a German movie, named “Bodo - Eine ganz normale Familie” that we used to watch the English dub of. Amazing. The movie follows a geeky kid with a robot monkey and no social life who makes a hip-cool-fresh clone of himself. Shenanigans ensue.
  
  Favorite moment: Hands down, the garage band. I used to sit and rewind this part alone endless times so I could sing along to Bodo’s band rehearsing (in full rock gear with smoke and all, nonetheless.) “Baby when I look in your eyes, baby I see in-side. Baby, you’re love is mine. You can’t hide.” At least, I think that’s what he said.
  
• Felix the Cat: The Movie (1991) – Uh… something, something a bag of tricks? Robots? A princess? So, using my logic I’ve put these elements to decide that Felix the Cat, in his movie “the Movie” had to save a princess using only his bag of tricks from a bad man with an evil army of robots.
  
  Favorite moment – I don’t know that I’d call it “favorite” because I’m having a hard time deciding why we ever watched this one, but the moment that I remember the most is Princess Oriana dancing seductively in a bubble. Go rent this one folks, and see for yourself what that’s all about.

Honorable Mentions:

• The Sister Act Movies – Because you can never have enough singing nuns on one list!
• The Little Mermaid – Because I had a Little Mermaid shirt and would don it just so I could sit in front of the TV and watch it on end.
• Hocus Pocus – Because it had the added thrill of having to rent it and watch it behind my mother’s back because it had witches and Halloween in it and those things are eeeevil. Plus? Virgins! Teehee.

There you have it ladies and gentleman. What I wasted my very young brain cells on.

(Warning, things from this point on will get decidedly more serious and even a tad bit wah-tastic. Feel free to jump to the end, or add a comment!)

On a small life-update note, I’m feeling leaps and bounds better today. I miss my friend terribly but I guess the realization is dawning on me that, that’s that. The end is the end. My heart is still a bit achy, my mind tends to want to run away from me, but I’m keeping it all together.

I’ll briefly say that my huge leap forward from whiny and self-deprecating to hurt but convinced I’ll be better soon has a lot to do with faith. I tend not to talk about my faith, like at all, because a.) it’s deeply personal b.) I hate to sound preachy and I hate when others try and reason me out of it and c.) it’s been a point of contention in recent times. I really wasn’t sure where I stood with God, and church and etc other than an obligation I had inherited.

I’m not sure how clear things are for me now and I don’t really want to dwell on the topic, but faith in God, true faith in anything, really puts perspective on life.

And that’s all I’ll say about that.

I’m looking forward to the future. I’m in a place where I really know what I want. It might be picky, it might be idealistic but I think I’m sort of worth it…

I’ll let you know when I find it, but until then I’ll let you get back to YouTube-ing the Wiz Kid.

Go ahead.

You know you want to.

&lor

Lorraine Says: On Time For The Pity Party

I did a bad thing. Gulp.

Last night, after spending the day completely at a loss and inconsolable, I went to Rox's house. It didn’t take very long after I’d sank down into her couch for the lighting to get moody, the smallest violin in the world to start playing, and the wah-mbulance to be put on stand-by as we engaged in a full blown pity party.

Rox ate her mac-and-cheese, her Fudgesicle(s), her rice cake(s) and I sat with my eyes stinging, refusing to eat anything at all.

Our pity party was short, but effective. We both left feeling, well, pretty pitiful. Even though I’d already posted two entries yesterday, I published a third. See belo- Wait. It isn’t there is it?

Womp, womp. I logged on this morning, I went back and re-read my pitiful musings and before I could think of it, I deleted the post entirely. I feel awful. I feel like I’ve affected the integrity of my blog! It’s like I erased a family member. It’s like I threw out the dog.

It was pretty awful though. My heartache spewed in chunks.

I’m not inclined to repeat much of it but here’s where I stand as of this afternoon:

• I’m feeling better today. Not very much because I am better, but because I survived yesterday. At least I know it is possible.

• I know why I can’t eat: my stomach truly feels like it’s jumped up into my chest and my heart has stationed itself in my throat. That whole re-arrangement of organs is not conducive to successful swallowing and digesting.

• The only thing I’ve eaten since yesterday morning are chocolate chip cookies. I ran out. :(

• The worst part of this all been feeling so awfully lonely.

Generally, that’s it. There isn’t very much to say or look forward to, just surviving each day without a melt down.

I’d like to thank a few handy distractions:
The iPad for being sort of ridiculous and unfortunately named
Shel Silverstein poetry for being… sort of ridiculous and unfortunately named?
Random blogs on Blogger which I’ve been randomly commenting
Penny for texting me from her own cubicle of doom
Rox for letting me use her couch to emo rant
All Eisley music for being the soundtrack to my life
Mrs. Fields for making such great, individually wrapped cookies
Mystery donor for paying my car payment for January!

Thank you, thank you and thank you for ensuring I don’t wish myself out of existence.

Rock on emo sensibilities. Rock on.

&lor

It's daybreak, and the whole world's new
The sun smiles, but where are you?
Wish I could hold you again
Nothing a daydream cannot mend
You smile and promise me you'll always be around
I whisper and sing your name out loud
But no one hears me
Well, at least for now

My secrets all want you to know them
I shed a tear because this love can never be
But as the saying goes it doesn't hurt to dream

Lorraine Says: And Rhythmic

I stared at the empty update box for nearly 15 minutes, willing myself to be funny.

Come on Lor. Think of something funny to say. What happened today? I'm sort of disappointed in people. CRAP. That wasn't funny. Think. Uh, dogs. Dogs on a leash. All the dogs we've ever owned have died. That isn't funny. Oh no. Husky. I miss my dog Husky. Wait, I hate dogs. That isn't funny either. Ugh.

At varying times since I started this blog (25 minutes and counting) I've alternatively had too much and nothing to say. I'm feeling neither here nor there, and I'm thinking absolutely everywhere. Well, who says I need one topic? That's very 2009 and I am choosing to live in bright shiny 2010.

If you are brave, which is funny coming from a girl who is 2/3 unadulterated chickenpoop, please do indulge in a running list of thoughts, observations and possible subjects thrown around in my lover-ly brain:

• Hot mayonnaise is utterly disgusting.
• Sister Act 1 is a great movie. Those songs are just weird to have stuck in your head. Unless you have an inner-nun, in which case they might be nice to give her a voice.
• I'm always sleepy lately. I know this could be a symptom of some very bad stuff but I prefer to think of it as a symptom of not sleeping enough. Hopefully that's the kind of stuff they'll teach me in pharmacy school.
• I really want to go swimming! I really should learn how. I'm scared of bodies of water. I do shower however.
• I knock on things that are broken. My mother knocks on things to check their integrity, which makes furniture shopping with her quite interesting. And rhythmic.
• I ate a turkey sandwich today without realizing it. I'm not supposed to be eating meat. It does explain why I engulfed the entire thing, a feat I never seem to manage.
• People are so utterly disappointing. I am too flimsy to be disappointed a lot. So using some mathy-type-properties and stuff I should conclude that I should stay away from people.
• Everything always changes. I get that. I'm just not sure I'm ready for them to change at this moment. Can't I master things how they are now before I master a whole new set of circumstances?

Make of all that what you will. I know its my job to arrange these thoughts into something readable, but I'm not sure how to connect mayonnaise with knocking on furniture. I'm open to suggestions?

&lor

Lorraine Says: Lizard Coma

I was watching the Jersey Shore last night. Sigh.

Honestly, I was in my room trying to sleep and my sister was there watching TV and I got sucked in. At one point, I sent a text message to Magpie:


“You know I’m a Jersey girl, right?”
“Pft. You are a Florida girl who was born in Jersey.”

Word. I only lived in Jersey for like three years as baby-Lorraine. I usually visit every couple of years, and although I love seeing my family, and uh, vacation, I HATE NJ. I hate the cold. I hate the grey coloring. I hate the brick. I hate the lack of palm tree. Basically I hate it because it isn’t Florida. As much I want to travel and see new places, I am a Florida girl through and through. This outburst of love for my home-state comes after a few weeks of “Florida-winter.”

I know people sitting in below zero temperatures won’t enjoy my complaining about 50, 40 and (shock!) 30° weather, but OH WELL. It’s warming up a bit now, but I think it must be said that I hate the cold. I know as Floridians, there may be a moment around say, Christmas, where it’s 80° outside and you sigh and wish it were colder. Fine. I’ll grant you that. But in general Florida should not be cold. End of story. There are still people, teeth chattering and layers piled to their eyeballs claiming to love the cooler temperatures. No, shut it. I don’t believe you. Here’s why:


The Top 5 Reasons Florida Should Never Be Cold

5. Lizards – I visited the Bronx Zoo two years ago and I nearly died with laughter when I saw lizards on display. People were pointing and ooh-ing and aah-ing like they would at a baboon or a freakin' lion. I’ll charge you $10 and bring you to my backyard. It’ll be a lizard gold mine people, I promise. For $15 I'll bring you in the house for a lizard hunt. Of course, I was forgetting that my cold-blooded reptilian friends hate the cold and only live in warmer climates. Well, guess what happens when it gets cold in their warmer climates? These suckers start falling into comas! Frozen lizards everywhere. Iguana’s and geckos and whatever other lizard related thing exists start falling out of trees in a frozen stupor. It’s gross. Oh yeah, and poor lizards!

4. The 3 H’s – Hypothermia, heaters and the homeless. Much like reptiles, the homeless abound in sunny FL, because they can sleep under bridges without the worry of hypothermia. Until now! And it isn’t only the homeless. Homes in south Florida, especially older ones, are often not equipped to combat the cold. Space heaters set people on fire. People die in their sleep from hypothermia (honest, I saw it on the news) and the homeless fall into comas! Wait. That was the lizards. But you get the point.

3. Beach – Amazing how you can live 10 minutes from the beach all your life and only ever want to go there the 15 days out of the year that it’s cold. I’m going stir-crazy! When was the last time I went swimming?! I don’t know how to swim! I DON’T CARE. I need to swim. I have a drawer full of bathing suits itching to be aired out. Figures that we ended up walking the boardwalk when it was like 40° out. Ugh. Last year I ended up at a beach in Marco Island the first week in February and we couldn’t even get in the water because it was still too cold. I can foresee this happening again.

2. Wardrobe – In theory, I should like the cold. Rox and I went on this whole tangent before we went to Gville the first time about wanting it to be sweather. (Note: Sweather is Lorraine’s inability to talk, ever, producing a new word by mixing up “sweater weather”). I love autumn wear in theory. A neutral-colored turtle neck, dark jeans, knee-high boots, and bold scarf? NOM. I love it. Here’s the problem: I don’t own any of this crap. My version of autumn/winter wear are 2 sweaters and 3 long sleeved shirts I’ve been wearing since high school. And as much as I would love to go out and buy some great boots, the thought of even having to look at them when it’s 90+° out gives me heat stroke.

I’m not paying $$$ for boots to wear for 2 weeks. Or a scarf. Or a weater for that matter. I’d rather pile on every tank top I own, wear my fuzzy slippers and run out to the car.

Which brings me to the true wardrobe annoyance: Florida girl style. I’m guilty of the hoodie and flip-flop debacle. Sorry. I just own a lot of flip flops. But it gets bad. Shorts and Ugg boots? Blech.

I can’t wait until I can walk out of my house in shorts and a tee again.

1. Weather Forecasters – This is probably the thing I hate the most about hurricane season, too. Not the threat of total destructions – oh no. I cannot stand that everyone – EVERYONE – turns into a weather forecaster. Dude, I watch the news too. I heard what the low’s are gonna be. I don’t need you to repeat it for me. You can’t make single comment because this is what happens:

Me: (gets into elevator, shivering) Phew! It’s chilly out there!

Elevator Person 1: Isn’t it? It was 47° degrees last night, but it felt 5-7° cooler because of the wind chill factor.

Me: (looks at person quizzically) Right… I was sleeping. Under some covers. So, it was pretty warm under there...

EP 2: Well today the high is only 56° and the low is 42° because of some anticipated rain. After the storm cloud moves on, they’re saying it’ll dip down into the 30’s and could stay there for 2-3 days.

Me: (wondering why the elevator is being so slow today) The cold can eat my butt.

So there it is in a nut shell. Thanks last two weeks for attempting to give Florida a taste of winter, but that’s enough now. The cold is not conducive to an active lifestyle and the last thing I need is another excuse to stay home and in bed!

In life update news, my phone is dead, I’m at work with no charger and I’d like to poke myself in the eye with a giant pickle. :(

&lor

PS - I should just relent to the fact that lists are like the only thing I know how to do.

Lorraine Says: Air is Everywhere

You know how they call corn on the cob "corn on the cob", right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm, you would call my arm "Mitch"; but then reattach it and call it "Mitch all together."

I had a high school teacher who was pretty much obsessed with Mitch Hedberg, and would quote this joke all the time. Really, it hasn’t much to do with anything except 1.) Teehee! and B.) I’ve told a few people how much I want “Lorraine all together” and every time it reminds me of this.

Oh hold you freakin’ mice (mouses, in this case? Uh?). I’m not gonna get all whiny on you. Keep reading.

I started school again recently. Sitting in an Organic Chem II lab really opens your eyes to some things. Or really, it closes your eyes and opens your mind. Haha, get it? Crap. I still have residual dullness from the lab. That’s a scientifical theory, I’m sure.

Anyways, in lab I was not paying attention, and instead reflecting on all the things I need to do. Not the things I want; not vacations or trips or clothes or underwater basket weaving or marrying a millionaire with a pony and a chocolate factory. I’m talking the things that I NEED to do.

Thinking about it made my head hurt a little, and actually made listening to the lab-lecture appealing by comparison. I woke up this morning with the burden of that, plus a fight with my mother weighing down on my eyes. Seriously, when I get stressed, I feel it all in my eyes. I BBM’ed Rox about my emo-tendancy, and she listened to me blah, rejoiced at the fact that she was off and free of emo, and then disappeared to watch “Seven Pounds.”

Sigh.

It seems the only one who can do anything about Lorraine All Together is Lorraine. As Magpie put it, “I want to help but I don’t even know what’s wrong.” And in my head, I’m thinking, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!? Can’t you see that the thing… is like off… and obviously stuff… is everywhere… and air… is everywhere…and YOU DON’T HAVE A PONY.” Aren’t my problems so clear to all?

Yeah. No. Apparently not.

So! The point I was making was that I need to live by a certain realization that I had recently, that came in two parts.

1. Never growing old doesn’t mean never growing up: Well, I know physically I can’t stop the hands of time. Not that it’s a big deal to me. I’m 23 and get carded for rated-R movies. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m five-foot and an errant hair. But besides that, I think there’s a different between maturing and growing old. Sort of. Here’s the thing: Penny, Rox and I spent last Sunday playing on a playground made for 2-year-olds and having a blast. Sure it was the coldest night in south Florida in like 30 years and we were at the beach, but we laughed until we were numb in the face (and toes, and fingers. Brrr.) I never want to lose that. I never want to lose that sense of adventure and mayhem. I always want to know how to play and giggle. Life isn’t worth much to me if I can’t.
   
   On the flip side, I can’t never grow up. I’m 23, and I’m wandering the desert when it comes to school, I have no clue what it is that I want out of life and more often than not, I don’t make great decisions. Would that I could freeze everything, and have my biggest worry be which mall Rox and I should visit, but maybe realizing that life isn’t conducive to that will help put me in a less dilapidated place.
   
   
2. Moderation is not the same as half-assedness: Moderation is the anti-Lorraine. I have a sick habit of taking my fill of something I like, getting tired of it, throwing it to the side and moving onto a next obsession. It’s true for food, people, music, hobbies, clothing, everything. I don’t know how to temper myself, to make the good things last and some part of me always equates moderation with being half-assed. It isn’t the same isn’t? For example, the gym. If say I want to start going back to the gym, I’m gonna be there 5-6 days a week. I’m gonna work out like a maniac. I’m going to breathe the gym until I get so sick of it, that I disappear for a month. 3 days a week is somehow not a choice because that feels like going halfway in. Maybe that's dumb, but as I’ve said, self-diagnosing is not the problem. Obviously I know Lorraine is in pieces, but how does she get her self all together?

That’s the challenge. Moderation with a splash of balls-to-the-wall-ness. Maturing with a peppering of fun-lovingness. It may seem a little ideal, but I can’t keep living with this constant up and down. There’s no consistency in my life. I by no means want boring. I welcome spontaneity! Let’s spin on a giant button on a playground on an empty beach until we want to puke! I’m all for it. But there has to be some feeling of day to day accomplishment, I think.

I’m ready to do it. I’m ready to go to school, I’m ready to go to church, I’m ready to spend time with my family, with my friends. I want to blog. I want to work on my creative writing. I want to sleep, oh God, I want to sleep. I want to gym and get healthy. I want to bum on Rox’s couch and eat chocolates. I want to get dressed and go out. I want to play UNO! with the girls and shout obscenities when someone plays a draw 4.

Somehow I’m realizing that I’ll be able to do it all, just not all today. And not one thing in large doses.

Each little piece, one by one, here comes Lorraine, all together again.

And oh, look, she's eating cookies.

&lor

Lorraine Says: Yay Life Timing

Someone break out the flashing glasses, party hats and noise makers and lay a big one on me, because it's 2010.

Never mind that my actual New Years celebrations involved none of the above, but we'll over look that! Positive thinking, can-do attitude, all that jazz.

Before I go there, resolutions and goals and blah blah, I thought I'd take a minute to recap 2009. There is something oddly therapeutic about looking back and poking fun at my life. And also realizing that, ugh, maybe it wasn't all that bad...

Ladies and gentleman, the highlights of 2009:

January - first week of the year, we got the news that my grandmother had died. While she lived with us for a while, she had been staying at a nursing home because she was mostly being fed through a tube after an operation to clear a blocked artery. The death meant a family trip to New Jersey, and the sudden gathering of all kinds of family I didn't know I had. When they were lowering my grandmother into the ground, the show of emotions is not something I'll ever forget.

February - Determined to make the year a memorable one, we took our first, sort of spontaneous trip to Marco Island. Of course it was still kind of not beach weather, and the actual time in the water was limited, but meh. Beach. Road trip. Nom.

March - My niece was born. My first niece. The wait seemed forever and the rush of emotion when she finally arrived was pretty indescribable. It's amazing how instantly I loved my Gailey-bird. She is probably the hands down single greatest thing of the year.


April - Spring Break-ish! Really, it was like the Passover days off we got from work. Whatever. I'll take it! We went to Key Biscayne and climbed the eighty hundred million stairs to the top of the lighthouse. We also caught a Marlins game that weekend. It was the only game they lost in the span of like 11, but there was an old man wearing a weed hat so... win?

May - I got fired. Sometimes I think, "Bastards. I didn't deserve that. I did my work and more at that place. I did everything from book travel plans to freakin' fix phones." And than I remember the shenanz that went down. Seriously, the days leading up to my firing, they were trying to make me quit, and I was just sitting there with my legs on a desk eating chocolate. Some of the most fun I had all year. May honorable mention? Vyelit's 80's party! I spent all my money planning and throwing it and then got fired! Yay life timing!

June - The lack of memories I have from the summer are quite disturbing. I suppose being at home with no money is not something to remember per se. I did start taking care of Gailey-bird, which was cool, but it also made me loose my ish. I think I went a little nuts, a little stir-crazy and really started to question every single thing about life.

July - Yeah, still no memories. More Abby, more unemployment, more Phoenix, less Phoenix, etc. Oh, and my two kid cousins were sent to visit from New Jersey and spent a month with us. I took care of 3 kids. -_-

August - We took the kid cousins to Disney World as a family which was interesting. And then I got to have a expenses paid trip up to NJ to take them home. I spent a week there and ultimately concocted a plan to move to NJ. Hahahaha (spoiler: it didn't work.) Also? ROXANNE!

September - ROXANNE! We went on our first friend date, to the awesome, awesome Marlins game where I eye-flirted with Hanley Ramirez. Mostly true story! I also turned 23 and felt like an oldie, old person.

October - Gainesville 1.0! Born of pure randomness with a dash of boredom, Rox and I took a trip to Gville to visit Toper and E. Good thing it turned out to be completely awesome! Don't try that at home kids.

Novemebr - Gainesville 2.0! Because no normal people take vacations in back to back months, we definitely did. And this time we brought Penny and Violet along. Also? Magpie.

And you know, December was like yesterday so whatever.

Overall, not bad folks. Thanks 2009! But, to be honest, I hope you eat 2010's dust.

&lor