Lorraine Says . A Very Special Episode

Someone at Paper Folding USA, where I work, did not get the holiday memo. 'Tis the time of year for cheer and goodwill toward men and um... peace and nuts. It's also the time of the year for there to be loads of free cookies and chocolate in the break room, for how else would we celebrate the birth of Jesus?

Well, my job is a bunch of Grinches (Grinchi?) and all that's in the break room are Skittles. For sale. (Many apologies to Dan, but Skittles are no chocolate. Holiday fail.)

Obviously this disturbs me greatly. This entire holiday business has generally been putting me ill at ease and a lot of it, I think, has to do with Mariah Carey. (No, this isn't like when I blame Obama for everything, like being short and there being only Skittles in the break room. It actually is Mariah's fault, promise.)

See, Monday it was balls cold out, and Venus and Fetus' mom offered to make a group of us girls hot chocolate. (Chocolate? Check. Warm chocolate? Super check. Warm, FREE  chocolate that I don't have to lift a finger to make? Holiday cheer ya'll. Take note.)

So, I went over to their house and planted myself on their couch as I waited for my delicious, liquidy treat. Then, I saw it: The squiggly-font-of-Christmas clearly spelling  Mariah Carey and announcing her inevitable arrival on my TV screen. I looked at the remote control, conveniently in front of me and glanced toward the kitchen where the hot-chocolate-maker was out of sight. But she must have felt my intention.

HCM: Don't change my Mariah!

Lor: Damn.

And so, the price I paid for breaking my diet was forced watching of the Mariah Carey Christmas special. Now, I'm pretty okay with some old school Mariah. I can't hate on Always Be My Baby. Neither can you. You clicked the link. You're singing along, do-de-doo-de-dooos and all. My All? That's good stuff. (Damn, home girl likes to be on top of water.) Also, Mariah can sing. No, wait, Mariah can hit notes. Sometimes she likes to scream and squeal and make her voice all shaky (think finger wag) and that's not really cool with me.

But, also also, Mariah is getting old. Older. But Mariah is refusing to get older. So, she's screaming more, wearing less, doing something to her face, and bastardizing Christmas songs for people all over America. She's also so pregnant that she can't really move around stage. Also, she wants to threaten you with the possibility of seeing her vag. Put it away Mariah. Put it away:

That guy in the background's face is so fitting. Like he's saying
yeah, I don't know what the fudge is going on here either.
Is that a bedazzled mic stand?

So, anyways, this all got me thinking about Christmas specials and such, especially because on Tuesday night, when it was still too cold for me to try and venture outside, I somehow got sucked into watching Falalala Lifetime. I'm not sure what the movie was, but it starred Shelly Long.

I had to IMDB her to see where I recognized her from, and don't freakin' tell me it's Cheers, because it isn't. It's obviously from the made-for-TV movie, Freaky Friday. (ETA: HOLY BALLS, she was in Susie Q, too! Yeah, I totally know her from there too. With Jimmie Olson and the pink Power Ranger. CLASSIC.)

Um, further anyways, in my extreme boredom I started googling things like "Best Christmas specials" and "Christmas TV episodes" and "why isn't there any freakin' chocolate in the break room??" other stuff. Mostly it pissed me off because I found stuff telling me that The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is something you MUST watch during the Holidays.

No. No it fudgin' isn't because parades are boring and stupid.

So. I'm bringing you a list of super, awesome, amazing things I actually remember watching that have to do with the holidays. I promise none of this will make your ears bleed or put you into a pre-actually-eating-Turkey-coma.

1. Saved By The Bell - A Home For Christmas

Split into 2 parts, there isn't a thing this Christmas episode is lacking. This was the season of Saved by the Bell where they randomly end up working on a beach? Except for every other episode where they are magically back at school? Anyhow, for the span of this episode, they end up magically at the mall ALL THE TIME.

Enough time for Zack to find a new girlfriend. Yay! And then they put on a play in the middle of the mall with really bad accents! And Zach finds out his girlfriend is living in a car. :(

But if there is one thing that this Christmas episode taught us all, it's that being homeless can be funny! I mean, the laugh track certainly thought so.

Zack: You mean... you're living in your car?

Homeless Man: We like to think of it as a mobile home, Zack.

*laugh track*

Hahahaha. Homelessness. Fuuuhhneee.

Let this episode inspire you to do a good deed. Go out and find a hot homeless chick and offer her some eggnog and cookies in exchange for a kiss. Win, win, win.


2. Pete and Pete - O' Christmas Pete

I flippin' love Pete and Pete. Older Pete's monotone and the dry humor just get me every time. In this very special episode, younger Pete tries to make it Christmas everyday. And his plan works until the most bad-ass garbage man you've ever seen comes looking for Pete's tree.

There are tricked out Nutcrackers, a boxing match featuring Santa and a song about the garbage man. Sold yet?

Anyways, you can't really hate on any show with the line, "Ho, Ho, NO." I know I can't.


3.  Rugrats - Rugrats Chanukah

The Rugrats taught me all I know about Chanukah. I'm not even joking. Starting and ending with the entire episode's best educational line: "That's CChhhanukah...  you have to 'cchhh' when you say it."

I could go on and on about how I love(d?) the Rugrats, but really, their words of wisdom speak volumes:

Angelica: Chanukah is that special time of year between Christmas and Misgiving when all the bestest holiday shows are on TV.

Phil: What is it?
Tommy: I don't know. But every night I have to wear a funny hat while Grandpa Boris says some stuff I don't understand and Mommy lights another candle.

Chuckie: Sounds scary.

Tommy: Yeah. But then I get a present.

I don't even celebrate and I can give a big word to that.


4. Full House - Our Very First Christmas Show

Maybe I'm a sucker for laugh tracks. Maybe, I've seen every episode of Full House, ever. Either way, who can forget this classic, where the Tanners and Hot Unlce Jesse and Dumb Uncle Joey are snowed in at the airport. And how will Santa find Stephanie? And how was Michelle THAT cute? Seriously.


5. Special shout out to holiday movies that I remember from yesterday my youth.

- Home Alone - It took me a long, long time to get why he yelled when he put his hands up to his face. I'm okay with admitting that.

- The Santa Clause - Get it? CLAUSE. Whatever man. Is it better if I tell you I only ever seen the original? Is it worse if I admit I can quote lines?
- Borrowed Hearts - This movie has Hector Elizondo in it which means it's legit, okay? A man rents a family around the holidays and end up falling in lurrrve. Hector Elizondo might be an angel.


I feel like I'm missing so many but 1.) my memory SUXS b.) I think it speaks volumes that these are the ones that came to me first. If I start doing too much research, that'll just be forced and cat.) it's almost time to go home. SCORE.

I've got my company holiday party straight after work. Two cheers for being social. Wish me luck.