It probably would be weird to start a post titled "Make No Apologies" with an apology. I mean, but if that weren't weird, I would apologize for the post you are about to read. In these past couple of days, I've been living off of Starbuck's liquid caloriescrack coffee, and thanks to the Poop who stole my desire to ever be home, ever laptop, I've been out and about a lot. Well, a lot for me.
So that non-apology would read something like: Sorry! This post is going to be all over the fudgin' place because I have a lot to say, I've had like a million deep conversations in the past couple of days, OMG CAFFEINE IS MY BLOOD NOW, hey! squirrel! Uh what?I saw a concert! That's not what I was saying. Oh yeah! I'm sorry! Please read and do not run away.
Okay, with that out of the way, I sent Penny an email yesterday morning and this was in her reply:
"I am glad you had such a good time. You aren’t even sleepy today, are you? It’s almost like you’re in your early 20’s or something! ;) Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?"
Say what? I'm right here! But also
Seven Things I, Yes Me Lorraine, Did in the Past Three Days if You Can Believe It
1. Threw away a chocolate bar. No lie! With this cubicle and my trash can as my witness. I swear, these other list items will be more eventful, but I just thought I'd mention how I've had NO appetite in the past week. Nothing. Remember how sleep is my body's way of telling me something's wrong? What the heck does, "I don't even want chocolate" mean?
2. I paid my debts. Yeah, I wish I meant the credit card ones. I don't even mean the public library. I just mean that Penny made her submission into the meeting new people game, a guy we'll call iHate Everything. They'd been talking and he was bugging her to meet up and hang out, but she didn't want to go alone. Enter, me. Hoooney, Antonio Telemundo, meet your competition:
We ended up at The Pub on Monday night. The Pub is a British themed pub. Get the naming there? It's subtle. Also, the male waiters wear kilts. I dunno. I don't make this stuff up.
Anyhow, we wait for iHate for a bit and Penny spots him from far away when he walks in. I quickly glance over. "He's cute," I say into my water trying not to be obvious. (He wasn't really. Sorry Pen. Flash judgement.)
He walks over to our table awkwardly and stares at us for a minute like, "Oh crap." I'm not sure why. I know my face doesn't usually illicit an "oh crap" reaction, nor does Penny's. She was actually looking pretty damn cute with her hair all did and make-up all... did too.
Anyways, he sits and we start chatting. You know that list of things you should probably avoid talking about when you first meet someone? Like you know, politics, religion, race, your mom? Yeah, iHate covered them all and very enthusiastically. Sometimes it was charming. Other times it fell flat on it's face. And then in between, he was making the funniest face I've ever seen. Like, it was the human version of this: -_-
AMAZING. So even when he was going on and on about how Dominican are just Spanish speaking Haitians, and how the slave trade would make stops on that island and God knows what else, at least I could tune him out and just laugh at his face.
You're probably wondering why we named him iHate Everything. Here's a small sampling of things he hates:
- The fact that he voted for Obama
- organized religion
- South Florida
- fancy barbershops
- men wearing kilts at the British pub
- light beers
- indie music (and skinny jeans. There was a rant.)
- me, for saying country music wasn't my thing
Penny was generally unamused and not very chatty. He was the only one eating but I just kept thinking, "Hurry up! I want to sleep!"
In all, iHate was somewhere safely between stupid Hoooney and nice Antonio. That means I still win and now Rox, Pen and I are all square. That concludes this round of meeting random people! Did I mention I win?
3. Saw Antonio again. He took me to a sushi place by my job, but uh, remember my no appetite? I pretty much ate like 3 spoonfuls of rice. I felt bad, because it was really good, but I can't help it! He said next time he's going to feed me ice cream for lunch.
We talked a lot and about pretty much everything. I think the question came up of what I would write about him and the entire experience and I said, "uh, nothing." I have since amended that. I will say, "It was nice."
You guys know I don't like people very often. And even if I can stand them, I don't generally truly like many people. Antonio is a nice kid. We should be friends. I think we will be.
4. Saw Relient K in concert. Tuesday night, I went with Vyelit to watch Relient K play an acoustic set. This band was really, really big with me in my middle school/early high school years. They re-emerged with last year's "Forget and Not Slow Down," which I dismissed at first listen. It grew on me and was generally the soundtrack for Gville 1.0. Waiting in the cold for an hour outside the venue was worth it.
No one let me near boys with instruments. I was swooning the entire time. It was a very small venue and a small crowd, so when I yelled, "I LIKE YOUR FACE" the guy playing the xylophone totally looked at me funny. Whatever. Matt Thiessen is the cutest ugly boy I've ever seen. Seriously. He can sing to me any day.
And they played Savannah, which is one of my favorite sunny day, windows down, drive and sing-along songs.
Dude, all this on a school night! I KNOW.
5. Signed up for school. For realsies this time. Honest. Like I'm registered, transferred, re-majored and have classes all set to go for January. Here we go...!
6. Shopped. Okay, maybe that's not so shocking but again, I'm used to spending all my weekdays loafing! When I complained to Rox about the cold kicking my butt, we both decided that shopping for winter-y items was a must. And so we set off, loaded up on (more) Starbucks and did our best to spend our money. We were only slightly successful, but any time with my beef is amazing.
We giggled a lot.
Roxanne: I almost blogged yesterday!
Lorraine: WHAT?! Like you thought about blogging?
Rox: No, I opened a new post and everything. And I gave it a title!! That's it though. I don't even know if it saved.
Lor: Uh. Yeah, no that's okay. YAY YOU.
Rox: I want people to know I'm real.
Lor: THANK YOU. It's so frustrating. I know you're real.
Rox: It' just... I get so distracted. I think I want to blog and then... Oh hi Kitty.
Lor: Yeah. You want to blog but then you just sit around looking at your kitty.
... *giggle attack*
That sounds so wrong.
Rox: Oh jeezy. That's my best friend.
The post did save and it really is JUST a title: Roxanne Says: What Do You Do? I'M LAUGHING ALREADY. (Partly because I answered her question for her. What does Roxanne do? LOOK AT HER KITTY.)
Besides the giggles, shopping, the Starbucks, almost dying of dehydration and being saved by a Baja Blast Mountain Dew, we also talked about serious shizz. We talked about the importance of a well-timed compliment. I talked about being single. And I finally got her to talk about being not single for almost a year now.
Getting into Rox's head is not really a common occurrence. I mean, even if I can usually tell what's going on with her, she often doesn't divulge. Sometimes I think she feels like she has nothing to say, and doesn't realize how false that is until she gets talking.
Oh man. If this were a movie, you'd hear the swell of the Strings of Serious Shizz. Ready?
7. I wrote something serious. I might just tack on an lol, at the end of it though so I don't feel quite so exposed and self-conscious. But I don't know man. Something about all the things happening lately, plus the cold and all the extra thinking time made me go off on the following written rant.
Supes Deep Thing I've Been Thinking About While Not Under The Influence (of Chocolate) #1.
I received an apology recently. It was a soft ending to a hypothetical situation. It was completely unnecessary, if not very sweet. No apology necessary.
I've learned a lot about myself. I've thought a lot about apologies.
My mother looks at me with these eyes sometimes. The ones that say, "if you don't change, you'll never find someone."
I've read so many words that belong to other people. The ones that say, "I need to improve" but that really mean, "if I don't change, I'll never find someone." They apologize for themselves.
I'm sorry, because I'm not confident enough. I'm not controlled enough. I'm not dainty enough. I'm not mature enough. I'm not responsible enough. I'm not man enough. I'm not woman enough. I'm sorry not really to you, but I'm sorry for who I am because it hasn't really worked in the past, has it? I haven't worked.
Nobody comes right out and says it. Everyone will paint it under the guise of humor.
There are surely things we love about ourselves. Maybe we even love it all. We love the immature and anti-social and meek and manly and girly parts of ourselves. But why don't others? Surely that must mean I have to change.
I've spent a lifetime of apologizing for myself. I've spent a lifetime of feeling eternally flawed. A creature born sinful. No one had to teach us to lie. No one taught us how to hide. No one taught us how flee the scene of the crime. No one had to teach us how to pass the blame. We knew at birth. It was in our nature to figure it out.
My father was fond of making home videos when we were growing up. He has one of me, as he called me into the kitchen and asked me how the juice spilled all over the floor. Yo no se, I replied shakily. El baso se cayo solo! Yo no hice nada. The cup fell all by itself. I didn't do a thing...
We don't have to be taught. The problem, I guess, was a lifetime of emphasis on my faults. So many rules. So much talk of all the things I couldn't do. You shall not steal. You shall not covet. You shall not lie. You shall not talk back. You shall not sleep over friends house. You shall not talk on the phone. You shall not ask for something to eat. You shall not pout. You shall not complain. You shall not question why. You shall not pierce your ears. You shall not dirty your dress. You shall not go to the movies. You shall not listen to worldy music. And if you do? And if you want to? Apologize.
I've spent lots of time apologizing. When I was little because I was too affectionate and now, because I'm not enough. When I was little, because I believed in God too much for other's tastes. Now, because I don't believe Him enough for my own. When I was little, for my unflinching and seemingly judgmental strict moral code. Now, because I just don't know where the black and white lines are anymore.
I apologized when he fell in love with me, but not with who I am. So, I was forced to apologize for my preferences. I apologized because his cigarette smoke made me cough. I apologized because I would never get the tattoo he often joked about. I apologized because I want children during the course of my life, and he was okay with the one he had. I apologized because I still had faith, and he'd lost it all. I apologized because he was up to his ears in emotions, and I was reserved and proceeding with caution. He loved me, or some version of me, intensely. Briefly. And for that I apologized.
I've spent lots of time watching others apologize.
She's sorry because their history means that it isn't easy to let him go, even if that means everyone judges her.
She's sorry because she fears you love her, but aren't in love.
He's sorry because sometimes he acts rowdy in public, but he doesn't want to embarrass you. He doesn't want to lose you.
She's sorry because it takes one too many drinks to make her social.
I'm quite tired of apologies. And lately, I feel like I should make none. At least not for who or how I am. And at the very, very least, not to you.