It probably would be weird to start a post titled "Make No Apologies" with an apology. I mean, but if that weren't weird, I would apologize for the post you are about to read. In these past couple of days, I've been living off of Starbuck's liquid calories crack coffee, and thanks to the Poop who stole my desire to ever be home, ever laptop, I've been out and about a lot. Well, a lot for me.
So that non-apology would read something like: Sorry! This post is going to be all over the fudgin' place because I have a lot to say, I've had like a million deep conversations in the past couple of days, OMG CAFFEINE IS MY BLOOD NOW, hey! squirrel! Uh what? I saw a concert! That's not what I was saying. Oh yeah! I'm sorry! Please read and do not run away.
Okay, with that out of the way, I sent Penny an email yesterday morning and this was in her reply:
"I am glad you had such a good time. You aren’t even sleepy today, are you? It’s almost like you’re in your early 20’s or something! ;) Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?"
Say what? I'm right here! But also
Seven Things I, Yes Me Lorraine, Did in the Past Three Days if You Can Believe It
1. Threw away a chocolate bar. No lie! With this cubicle and my trash can as my witness. I swear, these other list items will be more eventful, but I just thought I'd mention how I've had NO appetite in the past week. Nothing. Remember how sleep is my body's way of telling me something's wrong? What the heck does, "I don't even want chocolate" mean?
2. I paid my debts. Yeah, I wish I meant the credit card ones. I don't even mean the public library. I just mean that Penny made her submission into the meeting new people game, a guy we'll call iHate Everything. They'd been talking and he was bugging her to meet up and hang out, but she didn't want to go alone. Enter, me. Hoooney, Antonio Telemundo, meet your competition:
We ended up at The Pub on Monday night. The Pub is a British themed pub. Get the naming there? It's subtle. Also, the male waiters wear kilts. I dunno. I don't make this stuff up.
Anyhow, we wait for iHate for a bit and Penny spots him from far away when he walks in. I quickly glance over. "He's cute," I say into my water trying not to be obvious. (He wasn't really. Sorry Pen. Flash judgement.)
He walks over to our table awkwardly and stares at us for a minute like, "Oh crap." I'm not sure why. I know my face doesn't usually illicit an "oh crap" reaction, nor does Penny's. She was actually looking pretty damn cute with her hair all did and make-up all... did too.
Anyways, he sits and we start chatting. You know that list of things you should probably avoid talking about when you first meet someone? Like you know, politics, religion, race, your mom? Yeah, iHate covered them all and very enthusiastically. Sometimes it was charming. Other times it fell flat on it's face. And then in between, he was making the funniest face I've ever seen. Like, it was the human version of this: -_-
AMAZING. So even when he was going on and on about how Dominican are just Spanish speaking Haitians, and how the slave trade would make stops on that island and God knows what else, at least I could tune him out and just laugh at his face.
You're probably wondering why we named him iHate Everything. Here's a small sampling of things he hates:
- Obama
- The fact that he voted for Obama
- organized religion
- South Florida
- fancy barbershops
- men wearing kilts at the British pub
- light beers
- indie music (and skinny jeans. There was a rant.)
- me, for saying country music wasn't my thing
Penny was generally unamused and not very chatty. He was the only one eating but I just kept thinking, "Hurry up! I want to sleep!"
In all, iHate was somewhere safely between stupid Hoooney and nice Antonio. That means I still win and now Rox, Pen and I are all square. That concludes this round of meeting random people! Did I mention I win?
3. Saw Antonio again. He took me to a sushi place by my job, but uh, remember my no appetite? I pretty much ate like 3 spoonfuls of rice. I felt bad, because it was really good, but I can't help it! He said next time he's going to feed me ice cream for lunch.
We talked a lot and about pretty much everything. I think the question came up of what I would write about him and the entire experience and I said, "uh, nothing." I have since amended that. I will say, "It was nice."
You guys know I don't like people very often. And even if I can stand them, I don't generally truly like many people. Antonio is a nice kid. We should be friends. I think we will be.
4. Saw Relient K in concert. Tuesday night, I went with Vyelit to watch Relient K play an acoustic set. This band was really, really big with me in my middle school/early high school years. They re-emerged with last year's "Forget and Not Slow Down," which I dismissed at first listen. It grew on me and was generally the soundtrack for Gville 1.0. Waiting in the cold for an hour outside the venue was worth it.
No one let me near boys with instruments. I was swooning the entire time. It was a very small venue and a small crowd, so when I yelled, "I LIKE YOUR FACE" the guy playing the xylophone totally looked at me funny. Whatever. Matt Thiessen is the cutest ugly boy I've ever seen. Seriously. He can sing to me any day. And they played Savannah, which is one of my favorite sunny day, windows down, drive and sing-along songs.
Dude, all this on a school night! I KNOW.
5. Signed up for school. For realsies this time. Honest. Like I'm registered, transferred, re-majored and have classes all set to go for January. Here we go...!
6. Shopped. Okay, maybe that's not so shocking but again, I'm used to spending all my weekdays loafing! When I complained to Rox about the cold kicking my butt, we both decided that shopping for winter-y items was a must. And so we set off, loaded up on (more) Starbucks and did our best to spend our money. We were only slightly successful, but any time with my beef is amazing.
We giggled a lot.
Roxanne: I almost blogged yesterday!
Lorraine: WHAT?! Like you thought about blogging?
Rox: No, I opened a new post and everything. And I gave it a title!! That's it though. I don't even know if it saved.
Lor: Uh. Yeah, no that's okay. YAY YOU.
Rox: I want people to know I'm real.
Lor: THANK YOU. It's so frustrating. I know you're real.
Rox: It' just... I get so distracted. I think I want to blog and then... Oh hi Kitty.
Lor: Yeah. You want to blog but then you just sit around looking at your kitty.
...
*giggle attack*
*giggle attack*
That sounds so wrong.
Rox: Oh jeezy. That's my best friend.
The post did save and it really is JUST a title: Roxanne Says: What Do You Do? I'M LAUGHING ALREADY. (Partly because I answered her question for her. What does Roxanne do? LOOK AT HER KITTY.)
Supes Deep Thing I've Been Thinking About While Not Under The Influence (of Chocolate) #1.
I received an apology recently. It was a soft ending to a hypothetical situation. It was completely unnecessary, if not very sweet. No apology necessary.
I've learned a lot about myself. I've thought a lot about apologies.
My mother looks at me with these eyes sometimes. The ones that say, "if you don't change, you'll never find someone."
I've read so many words that belong to other people. The ones that say, "I need to improve" but that really mean, "if I don't change, I'll never find someone." They apologize for themselves.
lol?
I promise I'm totes okay! It's been an amazing week so far and I fully expect it to carry on into the weekend. I am sleepy though. I blame the weather.
If you made it all the way through this post, man, I like you so hard.
The post did save and it really is JUST a title: Roxanne Says: What Do You Do? I'M LAUGHING ALREADY. (Partly because I answered her question for her. What does Roxanne do? LOOK AT HER KITTY.)
Besides the giggles, shopping, the Starbucks, almost dying of dehydration and being saved by a Baja Blast Mountain Dew, we also talked about serious shizz. We talked about the importance of a well-timed compliment. I talked about being single. And I finally got her to talk about being not single for almost a year now.
Getting into Rox's head is not really a common occurrence. I mean, even if I can usually tell what's going on with her, she often doesn't divulge. Sometimes I think she feels like she has nothing to say, and doesn't realize how false that is until she gets talking.
Oh man. If this were a movie, you'd hear the swell of the Strings of Serious Shizz. Ready?
7. I wrote something serious. I might just tack on an lol, at the end of it though so I don't feel quite so exposed and self-conscious. But I don't know man. Something about all the things happening lately, plus the cold and all the extra thinking time made me go off on the following written rant.
Supes Deep Thing I've Been Thinking About While Not Under The Influence (of Chocolate) #1.
I received an apology recently. It was a soft ending to a hypothetical situation. It was completely unnecessary, if not very sweet. No apology necessary.
I've learned a lot about myself. I've thought a lot about apologies.
My mother looks at me with these eyes sometimes. The ones that say, "if you don't change, you'll never find someone."
I've read so many words that belong to other people. The ones that say, "I need to improve" but that really mean, "if I don't change, I'll never find someone." They apologize for themselves.
I'm sorry, because I'm not confident enough. I'm not controlled enough. I'm not dainty enough. I'm not mature enough. I'm not responsible enough. I'm not man enough. I'm not woman enough. I'm sorry not really to you, but I'm sorry for who I am because it hasn't really worked in the past, has it? I haven't worked.
Nobody comes right out and says it. Everyone will paint it under the guise of humor.
There are surely things we love about ourselves. Maybe we even love it all. We love the immature and anti-social and meek and manly and girly parts of ourselves. But why don't others? Surely that must mean I have to change.
I've spent a lifetime of apologizing for myself. I've spent a lifetime of feeling eternally flawed. A creature born sinful. No one had to teach us to lie. No one taught us how to hide. No one taught us how flee the scene of the crime. No one had to teach us how to pass the blame. We knew at birth. It was in our nature to figure it out.
My father was fond of making home videos when we were growing up. He has one of me, as he called me into the kitchen and asked me how the juice spilled all over the floor. Yo no se, I replied shakily. El baso se cayo solo! Yo no hice nada. The cup fell all by itself. I didn't do a thing...
We don't have to be taught. The problem, I guess, was a lifetime of emphasis on my faults. So many rules. So much talk of all the things I couldn't do. You shall not steal. You shall not covet. You shall not lie. You shall not talk back. You shall not sleep over friends house. You shall not talk on the phone. You shall not ask for something to eat. You shall not pout. You shall not complain. You shall not question why. You shall not pierce your ears. You shall not dirty your dress. You shall not go to the movies. You shall not listen to worldy music. And if you do? And if you want to? Apologize.
I've spent lots of time apologizing. When I was little because I was too affectionate and now, because I'm not enough. When I was little, because I believed in God too much for other's tastes. Now, because I don't believe Him enough for my own. When I was little, for my unflinching and seemingly judgmental strict moral code. Now, because I just don't know where the black and white lines are anymore.
I apologized when he fell in love with me, but not with who I am. So, I was forced to apologize for my preferences. I apologized because his cigarette smoke made me cough. I apologized because I would never get the tattoo he often joked about. I apologized because I want children during the course of my life, and he was okay with the one he had. I apologized because I still had faith, and he'd lost it all. I apologized because he was up to his ears in emotions, and I was reserved and proceeding with caution. He loved me, or some version of me, intensely. Briefly. And for that I apologized.
I've spent lots of time watching others apologize.
Nobody comes right out and says it. Everyone will paint it under the guise of humor.
There are surely things we love about ourselves. Maybe we even love it all. We love the immature and anti-social and meek and manly and girly parts of ourselves. But why don't others? Surely that must mean I have to change.
I've spent a lifetime of apologizing for myself. I've spent a lifetime of feeling eternally flawed. A creature born sinful. No one had to teach us to lie. No one taught us how to hide. No one taught us how flee the scene of the crime. No one had to teach us how to pass the blame. We knew at birth. It was in our nature to figure it out.
My father was fond of making home videos when we were growing up. He has one of me, as he called me into the kitchen and asked me how the juice spilled all over the floor. Yo no se, I replied shakily. El baso se cayo solo! Yo no hice nada. The cup fell all by itself. I didn't do a thing...
We don't have to be taught. The problem, I guess, was a lifetime of emphasis on my faults. So many rules. So much talk of all the things I couldn't do. You shall not steal. You shall not covet. You shall not lie. You shall not talk back. You shall not sleep over friends house. You shall not talk on the phone. You shall not ask for something to eat. You shall not pout. You shall not complain. You shall not question why. You shall not pierce your ears. You shall not dirty your dress. You shall not go to the movies. You shall not listen to worldy music. And if you do? And if you want to? Apologize.
I've spent lots of time apologizing. When I was little because I was too affectionate and now, because I'm not enough. When I was little, because I believed in God too much for other's tastes. Now, because I don't believe Him enough for my own. When I was little, for my unflinching and seemingly judgmental strict moral code. Now, because I just don't know where the black and white lines are anymore.
I apologized when he fell in love with me, but not with who I am. So, I was forced to apologize for my preferences. I apologized because his cigarette smoke made me cough. I apologized because I would never get the tattoo he often joked about. I apologized because I want children during the course of my life, and he was okay with the one he had. I apologized because I still had faith, and he'd lost it all. I apologized because he was up to his ears in emotions, and I was reserved and proceeding with caution. He loved me, or some version of me, intensely. Briefly. And for that I apologized.
I've spent lots of time watching others apologize.
She's sorry because their history means that it isn't easy to let him go, even if that means everyone judges her.
She's sorry because she fears you love her, but aren't in love.
He's sorry because sometimes he acts rowdy in public, but he doesn't want to embarrass you. He doesn't want to lose you.
She's sorry because it takes one too many drinks to make her social.
I'm quite tired of apologies. And lately, I feel like I should make none. At least not for who or how I am. And at the very, very least, not to you.
I'm quite tired of apologies. And lately, I feel like I should make none. At least not for who or how I am. And at the very, very least, not to you.
------------------------------------------------------------
lol?
I promise I'm totes okay! It's been an amazing week so far and I fully expect it to carry on into the weekend. I am sleepy though. I blame the weather.
If you made it all the way through this post, man, I like you so hard.
13 comments:
First of all, you didn't have to throw the candy bar away, you COULD have sent it to me. Sheesh.
Secondly, I'm not a huge Relient K fan, but even I will admit their newest album is pretty sweet. I'm totes jealous you got to see them.
And thirdly, I share your deep thoughts on apologizing! You need not apologize for anything, I think you're fabulous. And that's all I will say about that. :)
Damn, this was a long post!! haha, I get that way when I'm cracked out from too much coffee, too. Like right now.
Just wanted to say that I agree with iHate Everything (that's a great pseudonym, too!) on a few things, namely voting for Obama seeing as he's now a Republican, and there should be no kilt-wearing by waiters in an English pub. That's just silly. Were they at least not wearing underwear underneath? That would make it a little bit more authentic.
Regarding:
#1: We need photographical proof. If you ever come on your blog saying you threw away a zebra cake, I will think perhaps your blog has been taken over by someone incredibly cruel and wicked and unable to truly value the awesomeness that is the zebra cake.
#2: Congrats!
#3: Ice cream is always win win!
#5: What are you going to school for??
Side note: I always read to the end of your posts :)
Yes, as Bi stated, you could have given the candy bar away to someone- I am really not all that far away!
I have never heard of Reliant K- they are going to be googled later. Are they a local thing?
I am glad that you are embracing yourself. :) I learned to do that not all to long ago myself- the bottom line is that unless you are truly happy with who you are and where you are at, you really have no business even trying to look for a relationship! As you stated, no apologies necessary.
I love your "serious" writing. When I first started dating THAT GUY (you know the one), I was constantly apologizing. And even before that, now that I think about it. When I told boys that I didn't want to "go all the way", I apologized over and over. And now I just want to go back and kick myself in the face.
I shouldn't have been apologizing for not wanting to have sex! It was MY choice, and no one deserved any explanation other than I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO.
Whew. Rant over. :)
All that to say, I really loved reading this post.
Oh, also, congratulations on school! Now we can complain together all next semester about how unfair our lives are and sexy text each other during boring classes. Win, win, win!
whoa, what a whirlwind of a few days! glad to see you've been having a good time... I love meeting randoms! The one's I've met have been pretty good so far :P
Congrats about school! I know it's been a long time coming so glad everything is set to go :)
And I'm glad to see the serious side of Lorraine emerge here...she's pretty awesome like that :).
*hugs*
The serious part was my favorite. You make a good point.
"and then... Oh hi Kitty."
HAHAHAHAHHAA...
That happens at least ten times a day to me.
I dug the serious post. That was the best serious writing I've read in quite awhile.
I understand that apologies get redundant and meaningless if not used sparingly...people apologize for everything wrong when they really shouldn't. It gets to be too much.
However, some apologies are necessary because they indicate the willingness to sacrifice. Yes, you're you, and that shouldn't change, but self-alterations can be insinuated with an apology if you feel that these alterations will make you better...if the person you're even apologizing to will make you better.
You have to look at the motives behind the person you're apologizing to. Are they criticizing you because they care about you, or do they simply believe you should be acting/looking/living a way to their selfish liking?
Bi - I totally opened it and took a bite and it just made me insta-gag. Did you want a Lor-bitten bar? :)
And thank you for thinking I'm fabulous. :)
Tsa - I knooow. Thanks for reading. I didn't get to check the underwear thing, but I fully intend on making it back to the Pub and thoroughly investigating the situation, ifyouknowwhatImean...
Jen - OMG, this has led me to a ingenious plan. If I ever post/twitter/anything about throwing away a zebra cake, that will be super top secret code for, "HELP. RAPE. CALL THE POLICE!" Deal?
Communications, now. It should go SO well with my Bio degree, no? :)
Casey - Okay, okay. I must admit that with you living so close, I could've at least dropped the chocolate off to you. NEXT TIME.
Sara - THAT GUY, ewwww. I know exactly who you mean. On the bright side, you may have been apologizing, but at least you stuck to your guns kiddo. That's admirable. But you're right. When it's our choice, when we don't owe anyone explanations, "I'm sorry's" can feel cheap later.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. That means a lot coming from my bestest internet friend/newest sexy text while in class buddy. I'M SO SEXCITED.
Amy - That it was. I'm glad I'm not the only one who enjoys meeting a random someone every once in a while. School has been long in the making. I was glad to read that you passed all of your exams and such! Congrats and many hugs.
Deidra - Thank you.
Kev D. - I'll show your blog to Rox and let her know that she isn't alone in her kitty-looking. And that it can be overcome.
DannyCandy - Thank you. Again, quite the compliment. And a Dana-comment (get it?! Dana-comment! Okay. Done now.)
"I'm sorry" is just like any other phrase that gets overused, like say "I love you." If it gets passed around too much, too easily, it starts to lose it's meaning.
Beyond the general topic I explored, I suppose there are the specifics, like, do you want to change? Do you think that change will better you? What percentage of love is acceptance and what percentage is criticism?
I guess really it's about drawing the line. I'm all for making a better me, but sometimes it just feels like a thin line between people trying to better you and people trying change you. Or, should I say, change who you are.
I also suspect that I'd see this all differently if I were to meet someone who truly inspired me to better myself. But how magically-fairytale-romantic would it be if that person happened to like me just the way I am?
*cue swoon*
:)
Lor
Hahaha. iHate Everything.
I love how people who go out of their way to scream, "Look how smart I am. Look how much I know about stuff. LOOK AT HOW GODDAMNED INFORMED I AM, WILL YOU?!" fall flat on their faces.
Those smart people, with their exquisite taste in music and refined political senses. Glad Penny dodged that bullet.
And I'm beyond jealous that you got to see Reliant K in concert.
Proof that you should never write anything while you're cracked out, I mean, high, I mean, on coffee. :) Seriously, this was super long, but I got the gist of it.
And Roxanne seriously has to complete a blog post one day. Even if it's just a post about how she looks at her "kitty". Lol.
I haven't been in your blog in awhile because I read that you threw away a candy bar, and I thought we couldn't be friends anymore.
Then I realized that was rash. What kind of candy bar was it?
Really I've been at training all week, so now I'm playing ketchup. (<--Yes, I know I spelled it wrong.)
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