I looked at Penny's text dubiously as I considered my surroundings. Boxers? On. Room? Dark. House? On my TV and in my heart.
"Who's us?"
I knew somewhere in my head that I should put some pants on and go be normal and social. I knew that I could giggle, be charming and get flirted with by some guy I knew I wouldn't be interested in.
"Me, Anthology and J."
I looked back at House and that smoldering limp. Dammit, I would tap that. J? Not so much. Plus, I can't help if I still want to hang Anthology by the testicles. Penny dated him for five years, so maybe she can forgive him for being a first rate douche-nozzle, but I've only known him for the miserable last year he put her through. As the best friend, I feel less forgiving and more violent, in a dismembering, kick you in the shins, punch you in the teeth sort of way.
"No thanks. Tell them I said hi."
Since staying home won out again thanks to my need to avoid any possibly-socially-awkward situations, it got me thinking about a question I've often asked Roxanne, Penny, the Universe, Jesus and also myself: How am I supposed to meet people?
I just don't fudgin' know.
We started talking about this in the 20sb chat room yesterday. Someone said one of those annoying dating catch-alls, "all the good ones are taken." (Please, along with "girls like to date douche bags," remove that phrase from any and all conversation. Thankssomuch.)
I wish I could properly attribute who said what, but I mostly forgot. Just know that someone awesome said that she read in Reader's Digest (or something) that when asked what were the best places to meet other single people, women and men gave completely different answers.
GUYS, WE'RE JUST IN TWO DIFFERENT PLACES.
Now, I don't actually know what places were reported, or if this chat person is a big fat liar, but I'm going to entertain you (probably) with all the places I would theoretically like or not like to meet the man of my dreams.
Ahem.
All the Places I Would Theoretically Like or Not Like To Meet A Man
NOT LIKE: A bar or club.
Nobody kick me if you met the love of your life while wasted at a hip-trendy-club or small-indie-bar. Good for you dammit, but I just know this is not the way it'll happen for me. Firstly, I just don't go out enough to like my odds. And secondly I don't go out a lot because I don't like to. So, if you factor in the one and squint your eye, you can clearly deduce that because I don't like going out a lot, I would not appreciate the type of man I might meet while I am out.
FINE, that's a bit of a stretch. Look, I just don't want to be telling my kid the story of how I met his daddy all, "and daddy was so wasted! He was fist pumping and whooping and then he spotted me across the bar, where I was showing a little cleavage in exchange for a free drink. It was magical, kid."
Plus, my experience so far? The guys I've met while out all suck.
LIKE: The grocery store/book store/other general shopping.
No, no, no. Don't groan at me, get on my wavelength. Imagine the cuteness: A little, bitty Lorraine reaching for the top shelf in vain as she struggles to grab a box.
"Need some help with that?" I hear, as I giggle and turn around to see- SWOON. A cutie. He comes over and easily reaches for my zebra cakes and get this- he grabs a box of his own.
"I love these things," he smirks.
Perfection.
I'm just saying, the grocery store is the right sort of unassuming place that regular people go to. There are no expectations at the grocery store, everyone is going about their business, you have to have a level of responsibility to be a patron and well, how cute would it be to bump carts with your soul mate?
Bookstore is the same thing. Keep seeing each other down the aisles as you scan a few titles. Do you see where I'm going with this?
UNDECIDED: The interwebs.
I mean, I'm not knocking the interwebs, I just don't know that I would try it.
But, if some male reader happened around here, and we happened to get all flirty in the comments, and he happened to live around my area and he happened to be amazing, that could work too.
LIKE: Church.
You know who would also like this? My mom. Also, probably God. He likes playing matchmaker. He's got this whole, "there is someone out there who is perfect for you," sort of thing going. Make it happen, God.
NOT LIKE: The doctor's office.
"Yeah, and it's sort of inflamed and itchy and it burns..."
STOP. No thanks. I hate doctors offices anyways, so chances are I won't be in a "falling in love" type of mood.
LIKE: A baseball game! OMG, how romantical.
But, this comes with a few caveats:
1.) He must not be wearing a jersey/hat/shirt/socks/underwear for a team THAT ISN'T EVEN PLAYING.
b.) He may only be rooting for the other team if he has a good reason like he was born there or grew up there. None of this, "they're just a good team," crap.
cat.) He must not try to "explain" the game to me. I got this dude. Thanks.
4.) NO KISS CAM.
Otherwise, baseball, you're in.
NOT LIKE: The past.
Rox and I are really good at re-meeting people. She and I re-met. We re-met with Penny. We re-met with the Gainesville boys. She re-met Goober, whom she is now dating. Penny was seeing Phinsfan for a while, and he's a high school boy. I've known Phoenix since middle school but we stopped communicating and re-met. Magpie was a re-meet. Brown Bag was a high school re-meet. Show-off in Orlando was a high school re-meet. Flava Puff was a high-school re-meet. See a pattern?
I don't know, guys, I think that's enough. I mean, there isn't another person I went to school with that I feel that I should incorporate into my current life.
Remember Stimpy? I knew Stimpy from middle school. We were middle school BFF's. One day, Stimpy decided that she wanted to speak to me about super private ish and so we went to the park next to our school before the bell rang.
I was pretty excited because I could tell it was gonna be something juicy.
"Do you guys know Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" she started.
I side-eyed our other friend Sabo who squeaked out an unsure, "yeaaaah..."
Stimpy: I'm her. I'm Buffy.
Lor: Uh... what?
Stimpy: You guys have to believe me. I know I don't look like her right now, but it's me that you see on TV every week. I fight those vampires and demons. You see this scratch? I got it fighting a demon who was drawn to a spell Willow put on...
Sabo: on Xander. Yeah, I saw that episode last week.
Stimpy: Yes! That was ME. And you guys have to help me because I believe that it's going to be the end of the world. If I don't stop the..."
- BELL RINGS -
Lor: OH THANK GOD. I have to go.
Now, you might say to me that people change, and that we were young and impressionable youth, but when Rox wanted to re-meet this girl earlier this year and be friends with her, I wasn't having it.
I guess the point is (besides telling you that awesome Buffy story) that if I didn't think them worthy of keeping in my life before, the odds aren't good on their being worth it now.
I'm just kidding guys. I'm not sure I care where I meet men. Mostly, because I know that 9/10 times I'll pick House and boxers.
Why couldn't Rox have a hot brother or something?
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Thirty Days of Truth
Day Twenty One
Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Seriously? I know this is 30 Days of Truth and all but even if some jerk thought they would let their best friend suffer in a hospital alone because of a fight, they probably shouldn't admit it on the internet.
Well, Rox and I don't really fight. We ignore each other sometimes when we feel a little itchy. We put ourselves in time out before things ever escalate. If for whatever reason, we did, and she got into a wreck, I'd be there for her in whatever way I could.
And I'd be there for her afterwards while her father made fun of her for the wreck. He's a bastard that way. Or wait, maybe he only makes fun of me for my wreck. Hmm...
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I'm drowning in paperwork at work and it sucks. I'm supposed to be doing all this crap fast, as year end approaches. Year end in an accounting department generally translates to hell.
Also, feel free to tell me I'm a nut and let me know where you met your significant other, or where you'd like to meet him/her. :)
♥
Lorraine
Thirty Days of Truth
(1) Something you hate about yourself. (2) Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20) views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .
21 comments:
I met my fiance at work, i was working the night shift at a trucking company, and he is a driver and his truck was broken down. He asked me out, and we have been together for nearly three years now. You never know where you will meet him.
I'm sorry if I helped turn you off dating sites :(. There are some good guys out there. I'd like to meet a guy while I'm doing something with my dog like hiking or playing at the park.
Amber - I didn't think of work at all when I was writing this because I work with accountants who are all like a million years old. Or 40. I always confuse the two. :)
Hmm... work...
Lizzie - I don't own any pets, but I see this! You're walking your dog when his comes running up to you... *cue awwww*
And by no means. I just like blaming my anti-socialism on things. ;)
I don't think it's a case of "all girls like to date douchebags."
I think it's a case of, "all guys are douchebags."
Seriously.
I have a friend who tries dating sites. And I have another one who has had "success" with them.
Although I don't believe it counts if you have more than one "success" (I refer you again to my first argument).
I meet people through church, school, work, online, etc. Social outings (they don't have to be clubs/bars) are good if you know someone fairly well, but haven't got to know their friend base.
That's how I met My Love. She was being proactive in expanding her friend base beyond the other trainee doctors she was hanging out with.
*Sigh*
back to study...
I`m with you on the church thing. We recently
changed churches and I`m kind of feeling the bass player on the worship team. He`s the perfect combo of nerd and awesome. Just like I am. ;) Plus, he plays music, I sing music... We`d have the cutest little nerdy, musical babies!
Sorry, I`m getting way ahead of myself. The only transaction we`ve ever had was "Hi, I`m Ron." *shakes hand* "Hi, I`m Stacey." *swoon*
The grocery store is a great place to meet people! When I worked as a cashier at Whole Foods, I quite often got asked out on dates. There's something about fruits and vegetables that makes people wanna date, I guess!
I think I'd like to meet my guy through a friends of friends deal... but if not, church would be nice, though kinda not an option at mine... hmmm, maybe I should change churches lol
nah, perhaps on public transport?
http://wp.me/pmtVx-cs
hehehe til then, I'll have my blog crushes... ;).
P.S. I just finished all my exams, Lor! And the feeling is AMAZING! possibly could rival zebra cakes :P
I met my husband at a door! Really, a door. Ok so it was work, but a huge building with hundreds of people just on my floor. We weren't even in the same department. There was one common door and I was walking in right when he was on his way out. I almost hit him with it!
Does that happen in real life...? You are shopping, you drop a can of beans. Tall, dark and handsome picks it up... your eyes meet, "here, you dropped this". *Shy* "oh, thanks". "My name is Cornelius, would you like to make love right here in the grocery store?". "Oh, it is ON!"..... *loudspeaker* clean up in aisle four...
I thought that was just in the movies I watched after everyone else has gone to bed.
TSC - I like your thinking. I don't like dating douches there are JUST SO MANY. ;)
I have to ask Rox if she's hiding a secret group of friends that I don't know very well. Hmmmm. Good luck with the studying my dearest.
Stacey - Dammit, I love nerd and awesome combined. And, dude, I dunno, "Hi, I'm Ron," sounds pretty romantical to me. Keep me updated.
Tsa - I wonder if my local Whole Foods is hiring. Or maybe I should just carry around my own fruits and veggies? Imagine if that worked! I'd write a book and you can have a percentage of the monies. You're welcome.
Ames! - That's why church is on my wishlist. It really doesn't seem possible at mine either. What's this you say about switching?
Public transportation is cool, but not plausible for me. South Florida = drive yourself. And OMG I have so many blog crushes right now. lol. Four to be exact. I had to take Evan off that list with the engagement and all.
I'm glad you made it out alive, but then I knew that you would. Congrats my love! :)
Robin - I really am hanging out in the wrong places. Must visit more doors.
Lost - It probably doesn't happen in real life, but a girl can dream, can't she? CAN'T SHE?? Except the Cornelius part. Ew.
Also? Peaches! :)
Lorraine
I met Kiefer through a site called Meetup.com. You join groups based on your interests and then meet people who are also into that same thing. Yo
There's eating out groups, hiking groups, etc. There's no because it's not a dating site. Some of the people are already married.
I met my roomie Blarney through the site, too. Good stuff all around.
This post cracked me up. I met Hubs (and all previous bfs) through a mutual friend. I was never one to go out and try to meet someone in a bar either.
Also? Are you going to clubs in NJ? I've never been to a bar/club and seen legit fist pumping and whooping. Color me jealous.
I hope you have a meet-cute in a grocery store and find out that he would also rather watch House in his boxers. Aww.
I'm going to need you to make a robot video about this Buffy girl.
I met my boyfriend at a club haha. Well, he was head of security and walked around making sure dumb whores kept their boobs in their shirt and that fist pumping dudes were put in their place when they got a bit rowdy.
He was also friends with a mutual friend of mine, so it wasn't a total blind bouncer man meets innocent psych major thing.
blind as in blind date, not blind as in he can't see. Oops
This is where I say something that will make me seem really pathetic and lonely:
I know you're not interested in the dating sites, however, I sort of (completely and desperately) wish there was a "friendship" site... as in, instead of perusing for men I want to hold hands with, looking for gay men I want to shit talk people with and ladies I want to get far too drunk with and end up spooning in the same bed with no pants on.
Basically, I know this is unrealistic because it would just turn into something where the guys lied to bone you and only oober pathetic girls were on it. So, I'm faced with this same dilemma. Where do I meet anyone I don’t already know? I want more, good friends. I am not saying that I don't love blogstalking people and having good comment conversations, but I don't know how to get out there and meet more friends when from where I'm sitting the general population sucks and I will only have both my sisters in my future wedding (imaginary, I know) and no one else because I don't like any of the people I know in real life.
Advice for us: ask someone else
The baseball one makes the most sense. If this is a sox/yankees game take the dang mets jersy off, really.
Also, take the yankees jersey off anyways--it's killlin me!
Rox totes needs a brother. Its part of her duty as a best friend. My best friend had one. Geez, get with it!
Your list is excellent because it says a lot about you...not necessarily the list items by themselves, but your explanations. Also I love that a baseball game is in on your list. I support it and and your reasons. That being said, I'm not going to lie, I tuned out almost immediately. At the beginning of this post you said douche-nozzle. My brother uses this phrase which, in turn, means I use it. I have been called out for the absurdity of this phrase on two occasions. The fact that you said it (1) makes my day (2) validates me (3) confirms that you're just one of my favorite people in the history of ever.
I would pick watching House in my underwear over going out. In fact, I generally do pick TV over going out on most weekends. People are exhausting. TV? Not so much.
I hate meeting people at bars/clubs- whatever. People are always trying to be clever or are completely pissed and therefore.. completely unattractive. I also feel rather anti-social at these places (because I would rather be watching telly).. plus I'm probably keeping an eye on my drunken friend waving her arms "dancing" with some sleazy fucks. Who has the time to smile at some douchebag?
I have always dreamed of meeting some cute, clever boy whilst at a book store or at a library. "Oh, that's a good book" or the classic, reaching for the last copy of OBSCURE TITLE HERE. Amaze. I'm not pretentious at all, shut up.
Switch baseball for tennis and I'm right there with you. Unless he was some douchebag tennis purist, in which case he can fuck right off. Same if he only watches GS matches or thinks women's tennis is a waste.
Lisa's parents met in a lift! In some random building! How AWESOME is that?
You're right, I'd like to meet someone whilst doing mind-numbingly normal things- nobody's pretending or putting on their best clothes. Everyone looks like a slob and is thinking about buying crisps or chocolate. If you can like that hot mess... imagine when they make an effort!
p.s: this whole re-connecting with old school friends deal... yeah, I don't know what that's about but it's been happening to a lot of people I was at school with.
Everyone's re-dating people they were with at 16 or whatever. My friend just got engaged to a boy she dated at 13 and the broke up with and then met again when she was 22. There are tonnes of these "getting back together" or "hanging out with school friends" scenes and I just don't get it.
Maybe I just hold a grudge.
That Buffy story was beyond ridic.
Angie - This Meetup.com sounds hella interesting. Do they have zebra cake groups? Haha kidding. Sort of.
Marisa - Apparently my problem is that I need more friends with more friends. :) I've seen fist pumping in downtown Fort Lauderdale. Identity crisis, maybe? And thanks I hope so too.
Sara - I know! I know! It's on my long to do list with the margin note, "For my nipples."
Jennifer - I KNEW at least one reader would've met their SO at the club. Though bouncer isn't exactly the same as what I had in mind. :)
Denise - Business partners? Friendship.com? Um, anyone? Helloooo?
Erin - YES. Yankees jerseys as a whole are totally uncalled for. :) And I tried explaining this to Rox but apparently it's too late to get a brother, or something.
SWEENEY - No, stop it. You are totally one of my favorite people in the history of ever. Even before I knew you said douche nozzle too. hey, maybe the slut tour will be amazing for meeting Mr. Right... Hahaha. Not.
r - We need to watch House in our boxers together. *SWOON* And you get it, the whole unassuming meet-up thing. To me, it seems tons more attractive. Sigh.
Lor
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