I looked at Penny's text dubiously as I considered my surroundings. Boxers? On. Room? Dark. House? On my TV and in my heart.
I knew somewhere in my head that I should put some pants on and go be normal and social. I knew that I could giggle, be charming and get flirted with by some guy I knew I wouldn't be interested in.
"Me, Anthology and J."
I looked back at House and that smoldering limp. Dammit, I would tap that. J? Not so much. Plus, I can't help if I still want to hang Anthology by the testicles. Penny dated him for five years, so maybe she can forgive him for being a first rate douche-nozzle, but I've only known him for the miserable last year he put her through. As the best friend, I feel less forgiving and more violent, in a dismembering, kick you in the shins, punch you in the teeth sort of way.
"No thanks. Tell them I said hi."
Since staying home won out again thanks to my need to avoid any possibly-socially-awkward situations, it got me thinking about a question I've often asked Roxanne, Penny, the Universe, Jesus and also myself: How am I supposed to meet people?
I just don't fudgin' know.
We started talking about this in the 20sb chat room yesterday. Someone said one of those annoying dating catch-alls, "all the good ones are taken." (Please, along with "girls like to date douche bags," remove that phrase from any and all conversation. Thankssomuch.)
I wish I could properly attribute who said what, but I mostly forgot. Just know that someone awesome said that she read in Reader's Digest (or something) that when asked what were the best places to meet other single people, women and men gave completely different answers.
GUYS, WE'RE JUST IN TWO DIFFERENT PLACES.
Now, I don't actually know what places were reported, or if this chat person is a big fat liar, but I'm going to entertain you (probably) with all the places I would theoretically like or not like to meet the man of my dreams.
All the Places I Would Theoretically Like or Not Like To Meet A Man
NOT LIKE: A bar or club.
Nobody kick me if you met the love of your life while wasted at a hip-trendy-club or small-indie-bar. Good for you dammit, but I just know this is not the way it'll happen for me. Firstly, I just don't go out enough to like my odds. And secondly I don't go out a lot because I don't like to. So, if you factor in the one and squint your eye, you can clearly deduce that because I don't like going out a lot, I would not appreciate the type of man I might meet while I am out.
FINE, that's a bit of a stretch. Look, I just don't want to be telling my kid the story of how I met his daddy all, "and daddy was so wasted! He was fist pumping and whooping and then he spotted me across the bar, where I was showing a little cleavage in exchange for a free drink. It was magical, kid."
Plus, my experience so far? The guys I've met while out all suck.
LIKE: The grocery store/book store/other general shopping.
No, no, no. Don't groan at me, get on my wavelength. Imagine the cuteness: A little, bitty Lorraine reaching for the top shelf in vain as she struggles to grab a box.
"Need some help with that?" I hear, as I giggle and turn around to see- SWOON. A cutie. He comes over and easily reaches for my zebra cakes and get this- he grabs a box of his own.
"I love these things," he smirks.
I'm just saying, the grocery store is the right sort of unassuming place that regular people go to. There are no expectations at the grocery store, everyone is going about their business, you have to have a level of responsibility to be a patron and well, how cute would it be to bump carts with your soul mate?
Bookstore is the same thing. Keep seeing each other down the aisles as you scan a few titles. Do you see where I'm going with this?
UNDECIDED: The interwebs.
I mean, I'm not knocking the interwebs, I just don't know that I would try it.
But, if some male reader happened around here, and we happened to get all flirty in the comments, and he happened to live around my area and he happened to be amazing, that could work too.
You know who would also like this? My mom. Also, probably God. He likes playing matchmaker. He's got this whole, "there is someone out there who is perfect for you," sort of thing going. Make it happen, God.
NOT LIKE: The doctor's office.
"Yeah, and it's sort of inflamed and itchy and it burns..."
STOP. No thanks. I hate doctors offices anyways, so chances are I won't be in a "falling in love" type of mood.
LIKE: A baseball game! OMG, how romantical.
But, this comes with a few caveats:
1.) He must not be wearing a jersey/hat/shirt/socks/underwear for a team THAT ISN'T EVEN PLAYING.
b.) He may only be rooting for the other team if he has a good reason like he was born there or grew up there. None of this, "they're just a good team," crap.
cat.) He must not try to "explain" the game to me. I got this dude. Thanks.
4.) NO KISS CAM.
Otherwise, baseball, you're in.
NOT LIKE: The past.
Rox and I are really good at re-meeting people. She and I re-met. We re-met with Penny. We re-met with the Gainesville boys. She re-met Goober, whom she is now dating. Penny was seeing Phinsfan for a while, and he's a high school boy. I've known Phoenix since middle school but we stopped communicating and re-met. Magpie was a re-meet. Brown Bag was a high school re-meet. Show-off in Orlando was a high school re-meet. Flava Puff was a high-school re-meet. See a pattern?
I don't know, guys, I think that's enough. I mean, there isn't another person I went to school with that I feel that I should incorporate into my current life.
Remember Stimpy? I knew Stimpy from middle school. We were middle school BFF's. One day, Stimpy decided that she wanted to speak to me about super private ish and so we went to the park next to our school before the bell rang.
I was pretty excited because I could tell it was gonna be something juicy.
"Do you guys know Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" she started.
I side-eyed our other friend Sabo who squeaked out an unsure, "yeaaaah..."
Stimpy: I'm her. I'm Buffy.
Lor: Uh... what?
Stimpy: You guys have to believe me. I know I don't look like her right now, but it's me that you see on TV every week. I fight those vampires and demons. You see this scratch? I got it fighting a demon who was drawn to a spell Willow put on...
Sabo: on Xander. Yeah, I saw that episode last week.
Stimpy: Yes! That was ME. And you guys have to help me because I believe that it's going to be the end of the world. If I don't stop the..."
- BELL RINGS -
Lor: OH THANK GOD. I have to go.
Now, you might say to me that people change, and that we were young and impressionable youth, but when Rox wanted to re-meet this girl earlier this year and be friends with her, I wasn't having it.
I guess the point is (besides telling you that awesome Buffy story) that if I didn't think them worthy of keeping in my life before, the odds aren't good on their being worth it now.
I'm just kidding guys. I'm not sure I care where I meet men. Mostly, because I know that 9/10 times I'll pick House and boxers.
Why couldn't Rox have a hot brother or something?
Thirty Days of Truth
Day Twenty One
Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Seriously? I know this is 30 Days of Truth and all but even if some jerk thought they would let their best friend suffer in a hospital alone because of a fight, they probably shouldn't admit it on the internet.
Well, Rox and I don't really fight. We ignore each other sometimes when we feel a little itchy. We put ourselves in time out before things ever escalate. If for whatever reason, we did, and she got into a wreck, I'd be there for her in whatever way I could.
And I'd be there for her afterwards while her father made fun of her for the wreck. He's a bastard that way. Or wait, maybe he only makes fun of me for my wreck. Hmm...
I'm drowning in paperwork at work and it sucks. I'm supposed to be doing all this crap fast, as year end approaches. Year end in an accounting department generally translates to hell.
Also, feel free to tell me I'm a nut and let me know where you met your significant other, or where you'd like to meet him/her. :)
Thirty Days of Truth
Something you hate about yourself. (2) Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20) views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .