Lorraine Says: Pay No Attention To The Recession Behind The Curtain
Roxanne and I once planned on becoming flight attendants because OMG-how amazing would it be to get out of south Florida, and we could travel and be awesome. Yeah, except I'm terrified of heights. After that didn't pan out and we figured out that NO ONE is making money off this blog deal (I promise I won't start begging you to make me famous) I'm pretty sure the 9-1-1 dispatcher thing started.
Rox had gone through the process of applying and with her connections through DaddyCop was quite encouraged to do so. I'm not sure why, but the idea of trying this out really intrigued me.
I stopped being a lazy bum who talks a lot and does nothing and drove my happy-pancake-butt down to the city's Human Resources department and turned in my application. The lady immediately handed me a paper that said I was to call the number listed and schedule an appointment for an orientation.
Don't even want to look over the papers I just gave you...? No...?
So the orientation was Wednesday. Tuesday rolled around and I was mega-psyching myself out of the entire thing. This is stupid. You're gonna kill people. Entire groups of people. You shouldn't be on the other end of a 9-1-1 call. Also, an orientation? You've got to sit in a room with people! And most importantly, WHAT THE HELL DO I WEAR?
Needless to say that I honestly almost didn't make it. But I forced my lazy-mutant-calves (because apparently it's pick on my body day) in motion because at the very least, I figured, I'd have a blog story.
(Hashtags all for Sara Nipples. If you find them annoying, go over to her blog and let her know.)
This fire station was in Bfreakin'E. Seriously, it was on the corner of nowhere and cow pasture. I didn't even know our city had any undeveloped land left. Cows. Firehouse. Make sense to you?
So basically the only qualifications for this not that awesome job are 1.) a high school diploma and b.) willingness to work shift hours. The guy giving the orientation went on and on about how people quit all the time, no one wants to do it and that 99% of people that sit in that orientation room have no experience when they start.
Fine. He then asks for introductions and a bit of information on what in our background would help us in this position, even though he was sure no one had experience for this basically entry level job. Here's how it went down.
WHAT THE HELL?! What are all these ridiculously qualified people doing here? Oh, wait? My turn. Uh... Uh... Uh...
So basically the orientation was two hours of them telling you why you shouldn't be a 9-1-1 dispatcher:
You are nothing. You will start working there and because you are new you will get the most crap-tastic shifts. Basically, you will not sleep at night.
No one cares about what you do. Firemen and policemen are gods.
You have to take two tests before we even look at the name on your application.
You have to fill out a 58-page background check package. We want to know every place you've peed since you were born. Ever seen drugs? Write it. Someone paid you $0.05 for a piece of gum? List them as a prior employer. Think nasty thoughts about your neighbor? WE'LL KNOW.
We're gonna take two months to read your background check. We're gonna talk to your neighbor.
Just in case you really were lying, you have to pass a polygraph. Oh, so you have seen drugs!
Now we'll fish out the applications.
Welcome to the team, amoeba. Have fun doing all the ish no one else wants to do.
Sounds riveting, eh? At the end of the orientation he said those who were still interested could fill out a paper and pass it to the front. EVERYONE DID.
Holy-freakin'-recession. People are desperate. (FYI, I totes filled out the paper. I don't know if I'll actually show up to take the tests, but eh.)
In other news, Penny, Rox and I went to dinner last night at the 'Bees. Penny and Rox both updated on their lives and well, me? Nothing.
Penny: Oh, so your life is perfect? Lor: It's far from perfect but I'm happy. And I can't help but be optimistic.
(It's okay if you want to gag now.)
In an attempt to distract herself, Penny is planning a romantic getaway with Pancakes, a guy she's been dating in the midst of the Anthology dramz.
Penny: Barbie told me I should go to Lover's Key. I can't go there! That'll scare him away. 'Hey wanna go to Lover's Key?' That's horrible.
Rox: Might as well be Date Me Beach.
Lor: Marry Me Pointe
Pen: Commitment Island.
I miss these girls.
Lor: Honestly, everyone keeps talking about boys in the 20sb chat room. And all I can say is, "I HAVE NO ONE." So that's been my mood all week. I want a boy. (insert pouty face.)
Rox: I'm not gonna lie. Having a boy is pretty amazing.
Somehow this led to the "Relationship-Tree" conversation. Penny was with Anthology for nearly 5 years.
Penny: How many people did you date during that time Rox?
Rox rolled her eyes way back in her head.
Rox: Oh God. Not this. I dated a lot of losers before I found Goober.
(You can keep gagging now.)
Penny: Well, I dated the same loser for five years so that probably equals dating one giant loser.
The night ended with us agreeing that Emma Stone was on our girl crush list, decideding to put-off Easy A in favor of Grey's Anatomy, Penny calling the Paint version of herself penis-looking birthing the new name Penny the Painted Penis, and an agreeance of some sort to have dinner with Phoenix soon.
I had a really warped view of what I thought you were supposed to be. Mostly, a crap-ton of rules. The rules my parents imposed on me that basically meant that I had no friends, no fun, no experiences, no will of my own, no mistakes made, no scars. I was barely a real person.
And I lived that way for almost 23 years. I was taught that if I did follow all of these rules, only good would happen, and I'd be awesome and go to heaven when I died.
I was behaving. I was 23, under the thumb of my parents, a virgin who never drank, never smoked anything a day in her life, and could barely say that she'd had a romantic relationship. I was behaving and my life still sucked. The things I wanted, I wasn't getting. I was restless and it felt like you hadn't done your part. It felt like you really didn't care.
I realize now that this wasn't fair, to put this all on you. I needed to find my own faith, I needed to decide who you were and put a personality to this God who was always presented to me as the boogie-man in the sky, ready to strike me down.
And then I started not obeying the rules and it felt like you were striking me down. Things were falling apart quickly and the thing I wanted most, the person I wanted most, suddenly decided he didn't want me. I built a crap-nest to hold this relationship and suddenly, just as quickly as it started, it ended and I was still sitting in crap.
I resented you for that and I'm not sure that was logical. I hated that you existed. I hated that I had to worry about actions and consequences. I hated that you were supposed to be the one with "all my days written" and yet things sucked terribly.
I'm not sure when I stopped blaming you. I'm not sure when I was able to look back and see all the red flags I missed and all the ridiculous decisions I made. I'm not sure when I was able to put a face and personality to the idea of God, but I think I've managed it.
I'm sorry for blaming you for my stupidities and then crying out to you when I wanted you to magically fix things. I think I learned that I can't both kick you out of my life and then blame you for ruining it.
This is already long and in an attempt to not have my blog accused of multiple personality disorder, I suppose I'll tell you about today's interview soon.
JOB, JOB, JOB, JOB, JOB!
Thirty Days of Truth
(1)Something you hate about yourself. (2)Something you love about yourself.(3)Something you have to forgive yourself for.(4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5)Something you hope to do in your life. (6)Something you hope you never have to do.(7)Someone who has made your life worth living for.(8)Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.(9)Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.(10)Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.(11)Something people seem to compliment you the most on.(12)Something you never get compliments on.(13)A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)(14)A hero that has let you down. (letter)(15) Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .