At any given moment, I have so much ish going on in my head that it might as well be a sewer.Did I just compare myself to a giant toilet bowl? Yep. Yep, I think I did. Oh well.
Anyways, the problem seems to be that my brain is always moving too fast. It’s why I can’t be creative on paper anymore. My fingers can’t keep up. It’s why my texts generally make me look like I’m uneducated and I end up typing things like “peepsqa.” It’s why half the time I trip over my own words and just end up ending every other sentence with “whatever, I can’t talk today.” Ask Penny and Rox. They’ll vouch for all of the above.
Anyways, the problem seems to be that my brain is always moving too fast. It’s why I can’t be creative on paper anymore. My fingers can’t keep up. It’s why my texts generally make me look like I’m uneducated and I end up typing things like “peepsqa.” It’s why half the time I trip over my own words and just end up ending every other sentence with “whatever, I can’t talk today.” Ask Penny and Rox. They’ll vouch for all of the above.
It’s why I love lists. I need some sort of structure, so that I slow myself down, and give myself an order to follow. This blog entry started two days ago, and since then I’ve been deleting, adding, rambling, and generally driving myself nuts with all the random tidbits I’ve wanted to share. My brain is running, my expressiveness is lagging and my blogging is suffering.
This morning, as I made my sandwich (which, btdubs, have you ever thought about how creepy yellow mustard is...) and planned out my day I thought of a great way to piece together all the random ish I want to say. Not because it makes any sense, not because it’s a particularly great idea, but just so I can feel better about myself, DAMN IT. Ahem.
Lorraine’s Friday Acrostic of Arbitrary Annotations and Anecdotes
(That’s an awesome title.)
Fainting – Okay, so I started working on this entry this morning when I got to work and just before I took a lunch about 45 minutes ago, I had finally managed to finish it in between all that pesky “work” they’ve been giving me at work. I decided to hold back and not publish so I could read over it one more time and make sure I cud spel gud. At lunch, as I was driving away from Embarrassing Fast Food Joint, I saw a Random Man standing at a curb, sort of behind his car but I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove past him. As I pull up to the stop sign, I look in my rearview and notice that Random Man is standing over the body of a lady, who’s passed out on the floor. Fainted Lady is not moving at all and Random Man is just looking at her and the cars passing by. I freak out.
Now, I can’t drive in reverse to save my life, or someone else’s apparently, but I want to do what any self-respecting American would do, and I wanna go see if there’s blood or something. Oh, and check if she’s alright. So I make the most illegal u-turn type motion ever. I think I maimed three small creatures on my way to save Fainted Lady. In my attempt to get back to where I was, I lost sight of the pair for a second and by the time I pulled back up to them, Random Man was helping Fainted Lady up to her shakey feet. I rolled down my window and ask, “Is she alright?” Random Man is really Random Man With An Accent and he says, “…”
Nevermind, I have no clue what the heck he said.
So I say, “Huh?”
(Un)Faineted Lady shouts as she’s climbing into her Random Man’s car, “Is okay! I fainted!”
Well, no kidding lady, but are YOU OKAY? And since you were fainted and all, I think it my duty to inform you that while you were being fainted, or whatever, your Random Man was bird-watching! He wasn’t even like fanning you. Or cradling your head which was totally on concrete. That couldn't have felt good on the way down. Of course all I said was, “Oh. Okay.” And I kept driving. That was weird, ya’ll. Just thought I’d share…
Recovery – A strange thing happened yesterday. ExMarine and I were BBM’ingand he asked for the story on Magpie. After a few warnings, I unleashed that gigantic wah-fest on him. It was a little therapeutic summarizing it. A little while later, ExMarine responds and says, “I hate to change the subject but…” and he proceeds to share his relationship story. EEP. It really put things in perspective.
Fainting – Okay, so I started working on this entry this morning when I got to work and just before I took a lunch about 45 minutes ago, I had finally managed to finish it in between all that pesky “work” they’ve been giving me at work. I decided to hold back and not publish so I could read over it one more time and make sure I cud spel gud. At lunch, as I was driving away from Embarrassing Fast Food Joint, I saw a Random Man standing at a curb, sort of behind his car but I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove past him. As I pull up to the stop sign, I look in my rearview and notice that Random Man is standing over the body of a lady, who’s passed out on the floor. Fainted Lady is not moving at all and Random Man is just looking at her and the cars passing by. I freak out.
Now, I can’t drive in reverse to save my life, or someone else’s apparently, but I want to do what any self-respecting American would do, and I wanna go see if there’s blood or something. Oh, and check if she’s alright. So I make the most illegal u-turn type motion ever. I think I maimed three small creatures on my way to save Fainted Lady. In my attempt to get back to where I was, I lost sight of the pair for a second and by the time I pulled back up to them, Random Man was helping Fainted Lady up to her shakey feet. I rolled down my window and ask, “Is she alright?” Random Man is really Random Man With An Accent and he says, “…”
Nevermind, I have no clue what the heck he said.
So I say, “Huh?”
(Un)Faineted Lady shouts as she’s climbing into her Random Man’s car, “Is okay! I fainted!”
Well, no kidding lady, but are YOU OKAY? And since you were fainted and all, I think it my duty to inform you that while you were being fainted, or whatever, your Random Man was bird-watching! He wasn’t even like fanning you. Or cradling your head which was totally on concrete. That couldn't have felt good on the way down. Of course all I said was, “Oh. Okay.” And I kept driving. That was weird, ya’ll. Just thought I’d share…
Recovery – A strange thing happened yesterday. ExMarine and I were BBM’ingand he asked for the story on Magpie. After a few warnings, I unleashed that gigantic wah-fest on him. It was a little therapeutic summarizing it. A little while later, ExMarine responds and says, “I hate to change the subject but…” and he proceeds to share his relationship story. EEP. It really put things in perspective.
Insomnia – Rox disappears mid BBM for random naps with her cat and falls asleep in bathtubs. Penny is a champion sleeper, who recently recovered from a trip to the emergency room with a 24 hour marathon of sleep. Me? I can’t even effin’ nap. Seriously. I cannot nap. I don’t know how to. I don’t understand the logistics of it. You want me to fall asleep? Right now? Just go? But it isn’t even night time! If I’m napping I’m either terribly sick or it’s 1986. (It’s never 1986, btdubs.)
Sleep has always been my body’s way of telling me something is wrong. Last summer when I was unemployed and unoccupied, I would stay awake until 2am and then sleep until 5am and that was all I could hope for. My body was saying: I’m unhappy.
Sleep has always been my body’s way of telling me something is wrong. Last summer when I was unemployed and unoccupied, I would stay awake until 2am and then sleep until 5am and that was all I could hope for. My body was saying: I’m unhappy.
A few months ago, all I wanted to do was sleep. I would get 9,10, 11 hours of sleep and still wake up tired as hell. I’d be out with the girls and just waiting for bedtime. My body was saying: uh… you’re pregnant? Hahaha. No, but seriously everyone was asking if I was pregnant, which NO. NOT POSSIBLE. Then Rox suggested an iron deficiency and I grabbed onto that diagnosis like no one’s business.
Lately? I’ll fall asleep and have uninterrupted slumber until just before 4am. Then I do an awake-half awake cycle until 10 minutes before it’s time to get up, and then I’m pissed cause I’d only just fallen asleep and it’s time to wake up. Someone interpret what my body is saying. After 23 years, I still don’t speak Lorraine’s Sleeping Patterns Are Screwy. Sigh.
Daring – I don’t know what’s come over Rox and me but since the inception of this blog, we’ve been pretty mum about it to people who actually know us. This past week, though, we got a little brave and a little share happy. It was sort of amazing to hear feedback that didn’t include, “what are you girls? Retarded?” So thanks everyone, for uh, not thinking we’re crazy. Mostly. And I’d like to give a 1999 style shout out to everyone at the Teets. Eff the Teets but you guys are pretty cool. Dr. Brian, GST. Holla.
Awesome Bacon – I often say that Rox completes me but Penny? Penny generally IS me. Seriously. It’s amazing. Rox goes out with Stimpy and mingles with people from high school and Penny and I stroll around like a couple of old ladies, and we laugh and laugh about it. And then go to sleep early. It’s a sweet deal. Plus, she keeps me entertained while I’m at my Cubicle. And in case you ever hear me (or read me…?) using the phrase awesome bacon, here’s what it means and where it comes from:
Me: Oh wow, Penny that’s hamazing..!
Pen: Uh, what exactly is hamazing? Is that like really amazing ham?
Me: Giggle.
Later.
Pen: By the way, the blog is the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow, really amazing ham and… really awesome bacon?
Me: Giggle attack.
Even more later.
Daring – I don’t know what’s come over Rox and me but since the inception of this blog, we’ve been pretty mum about it to people who actually know us. This past week, though, we got a little brave and a little share happy. It was sort of amazing to hear feedback that didn’t include, “what are you girls? Retarded?” So thanks everyone, for uh, not thinking we’re crazy. Mostly. And I’d like to give a 1999 style shout out to everyone at the Teets. Eff the Teets but you guys are pretty cool. Dr. Brian, GST. Holla.
Awesome Bacon – I often say that Rox completes me but Penny? Penny generally IS me. Seriously. It’s amazing. Rox goes out with Stimpy and mingles with people from high school and Penny and I stroll around like a couple of old ladies, and we laugh and laugh about it. And then go to sleep early. It’s a sweet deal. Plus, she keeps me entertained while I’m at my Cubicle. And in case you ever hear me (or read me…?) using the phrase awesome bacon, here’s what it means and where it comes from:
Me: Oh wow, Penny that’s hamazing..!
Pen: Uh, what exactly is hamazing? Is that like really amazing ham?
Me: Giggle.
Later.
Pen: By the way, the blog is the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow, really amazing ham and… really awesome bacon?
Me: Giggle attack.
Even more later.
Me: Pen, you need to comment on our blog!
Pen: Ugh, no! You guy guys intimidate me with your big words. All I have are “your mom” and “in your pants” jokes.
Me: Giggle seizure.
The latest of all the laters.
Pen: In your pants is awesome bacon.
Me: Giggle death.
Yams. Yesterdays. Years. Yeats. – this seemed like a great idea until Y. Ugh Y. Whatever. I got nothing else. I've got no more chocolate and I’m stuck in a cubicle. I have had the song "Yet" by Switchfoot stuck in my head all day long. So there is that. Meh.
And on that note, Happy Friday!
I’ve not much set in stone this weekend but there might be: dessert, sunrise at the beach, maintenance of the Lorraine, purchasing of contacts, (hopefully) recovering of check card, iglesia, beef and bestie time and UNO!
Let’s get to it than, shall we?
What?
Two more hours of work?
Balls.
&lor
Pen: Ugh, no! You guy guys intimidate me with your big words. All I have are “your mom” and “in your pants” jokes.
Me: Giggle seizure.
The latest of all the laters.
Pen: In your pants is awesome bacon.
Me: Giggle death.
Yams. Yesterdays. Years. Yeats. – this seemed like a great idea until Y. Ugh Y. Whatever. I got nothing else. I've got no more chocolate and I’m stuck in a cubicle. I have had the song "Yet" by Switchfoot stuck in my head all day long. So there is that. Meh.
And on that note, Happy Friday!
I’ve not much set in stone this weekend but there might be: dessert, sunrise at the beach, maintenance of the Lorraine, purchasing of contacts, (hopefully) recovering of check card, iglesia, beef and bestie time and UNO!
Let’s get to it than, shall we?
What?
Two more hours of work?
Balls.
&lor
5 comments:
omg i can finally comment! haha. this is exciting! it wasn't working for me before.
of course i have nothing substantial to say. except that yes - yellow mustard really is the strangest thing ever. i was terrified of it as a child and only ate the golden brown kind.
yeah, i'm weird.
-CJ
I had no idea the comments were being iffy... but I'm glad that's all cleared up. :)
And that is not weird at all. Yellow mustard is the weird one. I can't even think about it too much. Gag.
Lorraine.
My opinion? The ex is gay. Any man rushing to the altar after a month of dating is obviously trying to get his Beard in place before the family starts tuning into their gut feelings about his orientation. Gut feelings having been put into place when he was caught as a child wearing mom's Easy Spirit pumps while styling a Ken doll.
Buy yourself a drink - you're no longer dating a gay guy. Now that's cause for celebration. And possibly a Queen album.
I had no idea that comments were being iffy, either. Blogger wants to be that really mean girl in high school who tampers with your self esteem.
BTdubs, it never occured to me that Magpie might be gay...but I'm sort of intrigued at the prospect. The most amazing part of that theory is that...he reads this blog...so we might have just outed him for himself, lmao.
&Rox
Ms. A, you are totally my hero.
Also, Rox, I guess I never told you but after Mag read the blog immediately post break-up and I was blah-blahing about Phoenix, he said, "I'M NEVER READING YOUR BLOG AGAIN." I don't know how believable that is, but maybe he'll remain un-outed by our collective hand.
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