In the "Roxanne and Lorraine Do Everything" series, you'll get a tag-team, firsthand account of different events, trips and adventures as Rox and Lor attempt to do everything. Or at least enough to keep their incredibly short attention spans satisfied. Aaaaand go:
Lorraine: Holy mother of never again. A trip to the mall seems like a tame event to cover, but dear God. Dear sweet Jesus, was that ever interesting.
Roxanne: Hi, I'm purple!
Lor: It all started Thursday night. Rox had Thanksgiving off, and worked an afternoon shift on Friday.
Rox: HELL YEAH! First year in 4 years that I didn't have to be at work at 3am. This Thanksgiving, I was thankful that I got to experience that not ALL retail is the devil. Gracias, Jeezy!
Lor: Sawgrass Mall in Sunrise was opening at midnight for Black Friday (henceforth known as BlaFri) festivities. We decided, in all of our infinite wisdom, that a trip to the mall would be fan-freakin'-tastic.
Rox: I'm not really sure that it was wisdom that would have sparked this decision. I'd say a mix or boredom, curiousity, and tryptophan. I know that I wanted to go because A) I wanted to make sure that you didn't turn into a pumpkin after midnight outside of Gainesville, and B) because I could - amazing!
Lor: Now, I really don't know what was in my Thanksgiving dinner. I mean, I got to my family's house late and ate fast because everyone was looking at me. Maybe I went stir-crazy. Maybe it was all the cheesecake I had combined with the cappuccino. (Rox: The cheesecake is delicious, BTdubs. Nom nom. If it were a suitable breakfast food, it'd be right here with my coffee.)
Lor: The point is I went a little nutty. My driving was affected.
Rox: Affected?! We were doing 80mph down what is practically a SIDE ROAD!
Lor: My word vomit was intensified.
Lor: When we got there, we weren't counting on one itty bitty thing: waiting outside in the cold. I use "cold" here lightly because, it's south Florida. But it was nippy. And windy! I may have started Riverdancing to ward off the cold.
Rox: **TANGENT ALERT** : why the heck do girls in South Florida think it's okay to wear shorts and Ugg boots? Seriously, I need to know. SOMEONE needs to tell me at this very second. Now, we saw a girl in shorts and Converse - that's fine. You're still a duck, but at least you're not trying to hide anything - you just don't give a crap about the cold. But these girls with their Ugg boots?! EVEN WORSE when it's the ones with the fur. JUST PUT ON SOME PANTS! Shit!
Now, getting into the mall was a task in and of itself. At midnight the doors opened, but the police officer must have been some random Joe that they found on the street and gave a megaphone to. First of all, it's just the mall on Black Friday. This isn't a Jonas Brothers concert for a Furby launch - we're not going to trample each other. Second of all, it's not like it's a capacity problem...it's the SAWGRASS MILLS MALL, dude. This is the 6th largest mall in the world. JUST LET US IN. He kept yelling about how we needed to get back, how he wasn't going to let anyone in, how his tampon was obviously jammed way up in his vag...bleh.
Lor: It took us, oh about, two seconds inside the mall to realize a few things:
- Coffee was needed.
- Holy jeez, people are annoying. Gosh you're just the lady taking my coffee order and you screwed that up?! Ugh. Rox: UGH is right! First of all, the little pencil-neck that took my order only charged me for one coffee. I fail to see how this is my problem, but I decided that being chased by the police two minutes into entering the mall may not be the BEST start to the night, so I obliged. But this lady wants a different card than the one I originally purchased with because her system is going to tell her it's a duplicate. Now, that's REALLY not my problem...and also, I have no other cards, you insensitive hag! They're maxed out because I'm a reckless spender with no money management skills! *hair flip* Whatever. I'm good!
- We weren't actually here to shop, were we? Nope. Not at all. Rox: Nope. See above confession about being a reckless money spender. Lor and I have this problem about living outside of our means ;) we're diamond girls on a dollar store budget!
Lor: Of course the mall was packed full. Everything was chaos. I kept getting lost in the crowd.
Rox: That leopard print sweater was genius, though. Thanks for making me not have to put a leash on you!
Lor: I went from hyper bunny to sleepy bunny within 10 minutes. I got pushed. A lot. I wasn't tempted to buy a single, gosh darn thing.
Rox: Me either. Probably because there weren't actually any sales!
Lor: The best thing about the entire trip was the ish coming out of our mouth. A small sampling of the hits of the night are:
Lor: "Peepsqa" (still not really sure what happened there)
Us: "That guy's wearing a sombrero! *giggle*"
Guy: "DON'T LAUGH! IT'S NOT FUNNY, DO NOT LAUGH."
Penny: Your Mom is the end of the mall!
Pen: In your pants get backed up!
Rox: We ended up at the bookstore, where the only purchases of the night were made. And I read the end of a book, which apparently displeased Lor.
Rox: More like BlahhhhhhFri. I was supposed to cover the "Black Friday Work Experience" in here as well, so here goes: I've worked some Black Friday's in my time. Having worked at Circuit City, I was always deeply engrained in the BF process. This Black Friday with my wireless provider was so incredibly chill and amazing that I'm not sure I can ever go back. Not having to be at work til 11:30, relaxing most of the day, spending the last 3 hours of the night planning miscellaneous creative ventures and cruises...it was awesome sauce. That was my BF at work. Bliss!
Lor: I don't know what Rox thought of the whole mall experience (I will when this blog is done) but... people are nuts. (Rox: Co-sign.) BlaFri is retarded.
Rox: I just think that next year, we need a purpose. We need to stake out at Best Buy for a plasma or a $12 laptop or some shit. Meaningless mall wandering sucks on BF.
Lor: I'm sorry. I just... it all makes me itch. I love to shop! Really, I do! And I'm frugal. Who doesn't love a great discount or two? But GAH. I don't know what about me being anti-social, large crowd-o-phobic and allergic to disorder and chaos made me think it was a good idea.
Consensus: We SAY we'll never do it again, but FML, we probably would. Out of sheer boredom. Sigh.